Mental Health - shame

[Jburr84]

Hi, am not really sure how I have ended up here but think I have realised I need some help to change my situation.

I am living with partner, 3 kids, 1 x 16 (not mine) but treated as without question, 1 x 5 & 1 x 2 months.

Me and partner been together for 10 years and during this time I have now seen that I have been abused by isolation and coercive techniques. I haven’t spoken to my siblings 3 sisters and 1 brother for at least 9 years nor met any of my nieces or nephews. Haven’t spoken to my mother or father properly for 6 years (parents separated) and relationship is currently non existent with either, and neither of them have ever met my 2 kids.

Over the years I have lost all contact with friends and don’t even have a single contact in my phone other than work contacts or partner and her family. Never been allowed to work Xmas parties etc or when been invited for days out paintbal go karting etc.

Am constantly questioned about my job who I have spoken to what they said anyone new work there. Currently working from home and partner listens to conversations and then pulls me apart on anything she thinks suspicious.

Over the last couple of years I have started to become aggressive and have even broken stuff or hurt myself by getting into a rage. I want to leave but know I will struggle to see my kids as she tells me I would never see them and I believe her. Her mother hates her father, my partner hates her father, her brother never had a relationship with his father and my step daughter has stopped seeing her father over the last 2 years and I believe this to be because she is fed up with getting questioned from her mum everytime she saw him.

I can’t continue my life line this but feel I have no option available to me as she has told me everyone will hear what a bad man I am and all the bad things I have done and how I have treated her.

[Hidden]

I am sorry to hear your story. It makes sad reading. If you are in the U.K. then this link might help: relate.org.uk You need to speak to someone or things could deteriorate. Look after yourself.

[JohnNicola]

Get out NOW, then get a legally drawn separation agreement including visitation rights and perhaps even custody of the two of yours. Your family needs you too!

[Misty-Loves-Tea]

Hi Jburr84

My heart goes out to you .... many years ago I was in a very similar scenario...... I somehow found the strength to flee my then husband and never looked back!

You can do it, you must do it for your own sake! It’s not easy, but I think you know already, it is time!

Coercive control over so many years will have worn you down physically and psychologically, however, you have taken an important first step in posting on this forum. That takes courage and humility to admit.

Please do not feel ashamed, as your kindness, support and love for your partner and children, has been used against you. She clearly needs help, however, for now, I urge you to focus on your needs and get out, get the appropriate help.... the National Domestic Abuse line is 24/7 tel [phone].. there might also be help more locally too. Also, go see your GP....... the level of stress you are enduring needs multi-dimensional support.

Please remember that YOU count, YOU matter and with the right legal and emotional support to guide you through, you should not fear the loss of contact with your children ..... this can be put in place via the Courts. Thankfully in today’s times, they are so much more aware of all forms of domestic abuse; 30 years ago things were very different!

In stepping away from the abuse, you are sending a powerful message that this is NOT how things should be. Finally, do reach out to your friends and family and reunite those bonds and let them be there for you!

You CAN do this, you are so much stronger than you know! x