Men's Health Forum
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I'm the 1 in 6 and I'm trying to get stronger

Hi, I was talking to a friend last night about the issues I've been having and he suggested trying to record my issues in a blog or a forum and see if anyone else is out there that might give me some advice given their own experiences.

I googled this morning and found this site. So I thought I'd give it a go.

I'm married and have been for just over 6 years. I've bedn with my wife for a liitke more than 16 years (since I was 19). We have one daughter aged 3 and my wife is pregnant - due at end of October. We both own my home, I've been paying the mortgage and all other household bills fir three years sonce my wife gave up work when our daughter was born. I'm a professional wirking for a large firm in a safety advisory role. I work away on average once a month for a few days at a time.

Around 2 years ago I noticed that we had started to argue a lot. No shouting, because of my daughter, but plenty of swearing. I made a mental note of this to see if there were any patterns, purely to fivure out if I was doing something wrong or not helping enough.

I eventually noticed a pattern and it was whenever we discussed anything that wasn't to do with my daughter. We would just fall out about all sorts and any decision I was asked to make was wrong. My wife is seemingly really indecisive but when we go through the options it's apparent that she's already decided for herself and the argument would start when my chosen option was different to hers.

Around 18 months ago, I was changing my daughter's nappy on the floor with my wife sat on a couch behind me. We had been arguing abd as I turned around to put a point across she kicked me in the face. I was pretty upset at this and it was painful but I concentrated on the pain and my daughter at the time.

Two weeks later I approached her about the incident while we made dinner and was told "next time I'll stab you!" while she raised a bread knife above her head. This had an affect on me. And we carried on arguing but I dont remember enjoying the marriage since then.

Six months later I was walking to work and found myself thinking about stepping out in front of the next car. I slap myself internally and walked to a cafe to reflect. I realised that for some time I had been unhappy and if anything miserable. I had also been having a few issues at wirk in that I didnt feel I was being rewarded as others were for what seened like more of an effort from me compared to them. I also realised my wife and I hadn't been sexual since we conceived my daughter (almost 3 years earlier). She had been sleeping in the spare room, her choice, for almost a year.

I took antidepressants daily from last July. There were no more occassions of violence but arguments became more and more vicious and hurtful. I would shout and she would call me names and put me down which would bring an end to the argument.

In December last year I told my wife I was leaving her. Her response was to tell me that I had changed and she didn't know who I was anymore. I went to parents to ask to move in and my father turned me away saying if I left and she changed the locks I would lose rights to the house. I've since found out this isn't the case! I felt I had nowhere to go so returned to the marital home. My wife and I talked and decided we would both try harder. She came back to marital bed and a week later offered me sex. It was this night my son to be was conceived.

Work had begun to improve too and recognition started to come in, my wife was back in our bed and we were having fun again. I decided to drop the meds and went cold turkey.

A few moths later we had started arguing again and at the beginning of April she told me she was pregnant. I was upset. We hadn't talked about it, I wasnt ready for another child abd I had begun to review whether I wanted to stay with her. All of a sudden I was overtaken with a feeling of being trapped. I felt like she had tricked me into another baby. She says she hadnt worked out her body clock and the pregnancy was a fluke.

Nothing really changed and we still argued, I was still being called names. In May of this year following another big argument I had a mental breakdown abd the remote control onto the couch in a rage. I stormed out and ounched an open door en route. I decided to go into town to find someone at random to best up. I dont think I've ever been so angry or desperate. She said she hated me and hated having to sleep with me.

Instead of finding a fight I pulled myself together enough to get off the bus at the hospital and asked to see soneone to talk to. A doctor put me back on the medication I was on before saying "what do you expect?! You were fine on the meds, now you're not."

I went home eventually, I didnt go around the corner to my parent's becsuse of how they were ladt time I needed help. I told my wife we were done and I couldn't keep doing this but that I was scared people would hate me for leaving her and that she would hurt my by denying the kids to me. She said she wouldn't do that. But that I was in no mental state to make that decision. "Wait until your meds kick in and you're fine, before you secide that". I was also upset at being responsible for dumping my kids into the welfare system. This was why we bought a home in the first place! There were a lot of tears that night. I moved into the spare room and have been there since. We havent talked more about splitting up but I have accepted buying things for the house and garden. I think she thinks I'm going to stay, but I only want to be there until my son is born and has got through the first few important months of his life.

Last weekend we were looking for storage boxes for the garage (because it's a mess and I figured they'd be needed). Long story short, I asked her why we were looking here ehen she clearly decided to get what she wanted elsewhere. Her response was to say "why dont you just go and die?!". The following day we were visiting friends and their son she told me before we arrived, not to swear in front of the kids "because it's not good for kids to hear naighty words." I reminded her of the say before and told her it was confusing how swearing in front of a child was bad but it was ok for our daughter to hear her mum tell her dad to go and die. Her reaction to this, as we drove along at 80mph, was to tell me open the passenger door and fall out the car. This came after the previous weekend when she spent an hour calling me names and putting me down ("thick, stupid, useless, pointless") in car as I drove. I didn't reply, I didn't want to fight.

There's been two other occassions where she hit me and laid into me with fists despite my hand and knees being up in defence. It's mainly verbal abuse and the odd item tbrown at me or a punch on the arm during fall outs.

I've been recieving councilling for the last 5 weeks and I'm still on my medication. I've started writing things down and telling people what I'm going through because I see it as a pre-emptive strike before I leave and everyone judges me.

Im not a small guy, about 16 stone and 5'10" tall, not much of a belly. I play rugby in the front row as a prop and I've always been physically strong. I thought I was always mentally strong too but I cry in bed alone almost every night. I worry about my kids, I worry about being hated, and I hate the thought of having to justify myself to everyone.

I'm hoping by writing here soneone will connect can offer some advice, or at least give me someone who understands to talk to.

Everytime I leave my councilling sessions I feel stronger and empowered but each time I get home I feel anxiety. My focus at work had been affected and I've bedn placed on a warning. My clearance for access to sensitive information is under review now that I've been diagnosed with a "mental health problem". So I'm also now worried about my job and career. I'm scared that if I dont do something I'll lose my home, my kids and my career having already lost my wife.

I'm trying to be strong but its so hard.

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Marital therapy with a counsellor and your wife is the way forward. It sounds like you haven't involved your wife in this. Christian counselling again with your wife. Many church organisations run course for couples in difficulty. Although there sounds little hope for your relationship with your wife, you have your children and your assets to decide about. You can live separate lives under the same roof. Hopefully have an amicable separation.

You write very much as the innocent victim, but doubtless your wife has a different take on things.There are always 2 sides - may be she feels unsupported, unable to pursue her career ambitions, outside interests, sport, socialising, enjoyment

Ultimately you only have two options and both have to agree whether you are

1. Going to try and work to find a way forwards with both of you living together

2. Going to find an amicable way of separating

The idea of getting "stronger" to continue your fight sounds a really bad idea - you will both get badly hurt

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I've been advised to look into marital councilling to help try and keep a breakup amicable. I have considered suicide. The first time was walking to work and the thought struck me. But I realised that was selfish and wouldn't solve anything. So I sought help.

Recently I considered that the only way to guarantee my kids would be financially stable, people wouldn't hate me and I wouldn't have to go through repeated explaining was to end my life and leave everything to the kids. But that would mean dying unhappy and everything I've achieved so far would have been pointless.

It's why I cry a lot. I don't feel any other way to resolve it without more pain to me. But I'm starting to get a "man up" feeling back and want to get to back to my previous stronger self.

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The legacy of suicide is terrible - never mind the finances - your children will be at increased risk of suicide and ashamed of you - do you want that?

Talking with your wife and an independent counsellor (not your counsellor) is the way forwards for all of you. Ask her if she will agree and then make that appointment with someone she is happy to see.

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No, of course I don't want that! I wont be doing anything like that. The reason I'm miserable is because I keep getting told I cant do anything right. Dying wont solve that, but proving to myself I can live a happy live will (I hope).

I'll be looking into a neutral counselling service this week for us both to attend. Money is tight right now with only my income and another baby to prep for. I'll be taking legal advice this week too to see what the options are too.

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Don't forget that the decision about who to involve in counselling needs to involve your wife. Maybe ask her for suggestions so that she feels some ownership of this

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Meet a psychiatrist

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To try and...?

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You already know the answer friend. You just have to tell yourself it. Domestic abuse never goes away.

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Artyfartblast I do already know the answer. The hitting first happened 10 years ago but it was 8 years since anything else. And now the name calling and wanting me dead...!

nickItaly I will research independent counselling and I'll offer it to her but to ease the breakup.

I've already decided I'll do everything I can to help her. She doesn't work (despite having better qualifications than me) and is the mother of my children after all!

My biggest issue is my struggle to face up to leaving and having such young children. It's the realisation that the life I wanted to give them won't exactly happen. But I keep telling myself that it isn't because I left. I'd be happy if it wasn't for what's happened. My main concern is trying to be the best dad I can be, but I know she'll make it difficult. I know I need to be strong but I'm starting from rock bottom and struggle to pick myself up.

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At times like this you have to be the best for yourself to be the best for others. Good luck.

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Thank you!

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Dear friend, I think you need a psychiatrist yourself to help against your depression feelings. And a neutral cousellor to decide with your wife your future. Me too, I think that if she hit you, it is difficult to come back with her, but you have to try to make the better decision for yourself and your children

Good luck

Nick

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nickItaly I will research independent counselling and I'll offer it to her but to ease the breakup.

I've already decided I'll do everything I can to help her. She doesn't work (despite having better qualifications than me) and is the mother of my children after all!

My biggest issue is my struggle to face up to leaving and having such young children. It's the realisation that the life I wanted to give them won't exactly happen. But I keep telling myself that it isn't because I left. I'd be happy if it wasn't for what's happened. My main concern is trying to be the best dad I can be, but I know she'll make it difficult. I know I need to be strong but I'm starting from rock bottom and struggle to pick myself up.

I'm beginning to feel better though now that I have begun to work out finances. Sounds shallow but I need to do that to know how to start again and support my kids.

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Divorce is always difficult, but sometimes necessary. Children usually suffer less than we think IF the parents do their job well with them. They need to feel that they are loved by the parents, but it is less important for them that the parents love each other. So be optimistic and do the father as good as you can. You will have good results. However, a consultant psycologist/psichiatrist can be useful for you to tackle better with the situation. If you are more serene you can do all things better.

Bye

Nick

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Thank you for the encouragement and optimism Nick! I am seeing a councillor at the moment and every time I leave I feel more empowered. I'm starting to care less what other people think of me. I'm only concerned about my children and their view of me. They will be loved!

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You've got it. You have to learn to love yourself first, to be able to love your children or other people. You do not have to care about what other people think of you. What does it matter? It is not their business. If your marriage has not proved well, you do not have to feel guilty. Sometimes happens, that's all. Maybe you were right when you got married, and then something changed in you, your wife, or both. You must build a stronger self-confiance. Little by little, with the help of your coucillor, you will succed.

See you!

Nick

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If your wife is well qualified, it may be that she wants to return to her career and you could take a go at the house husband!

Certainly it needs an independent joint counsellor, preferably one chosen by her (or jointly agreed if that is at all possible)

Some people do recover from these situations and their marriage is much stronger as a result, but it does take mutual respect and mutual caring

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Hey V1nn1e,

I think everyone on here has provided with a lot of insight and different options for you, so I wont beat a dead horse in that nature.

But, I had to write because this is a topic that always strikes a chord with me and I wanted to just show my support to you. When it comes to violence in relationships it very difficult as many people point out because we hear one side of the story, Your side. However, I don’t think that this should discount that you are the one reaching out for support of some nature. So this is what I wanted to provide for you.

Firstly, don’t discount your own self worth because you have negative influences in your life. I know that sounds like “Just stop feeling down” but I mean it in a constructive way. You have identified many things that have been influencing how you are feeling. You identified it, now its time to work on it one step at a time. Inherently as humans when in situations we automatically look big picture and can overwhelm ourselves with life situations. Reframe it, Take you time and reframe the entire situation and work on a plan that you can see either where you are able to adapt or make small changes to make your life better in the moment. Kids are your main priority like with all parents, but that’s difficult when you yourself are not well mentally.

I’m not going to play devils advocate, you are the one feeling victimized and yes there is another side to the story, however you are the one needing the support. If you feel that this situation is having negative effects on your metal health, you need to address that. Just by the text you provided it appears the relationship is over. I think that is something you acknowledge and are ready to act on. So I know you have a fear of making a bad situation for the kids, or you might be denied seeing your kids by doing so. You want to do what’s best for the kids, and sometimes doing what is best for you is best for the kids. I’m not a parent or have any insight into your family/religious values. But having your head on straight is what’s best for you and the kids. Also, just throwing this in here, don’t worry about the “what ifs” until it becomes a potential. There are many social services that assist with this exact situation. Kids make everything difficult, but should not affect your own personal happiness.

So to end this long message. I must say I am super impressed with how you are dealing so far. You flagged suicide as and issue, took the steps to seek professional help and are continuing to seek support through other means. Unfortunately, its time that Is needed to heal some wounds. I think already you are stronger by identifying the above and continuing to work through this.

Chin up buddy! Things will get better! You just need to get through this rough patch.

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Hi jdb3

Thanks for showing your support as others have. It means a lot to talk to people and get a different view than my own. And it's strengthening to hear others agree it's not a good situation to be in.

I will admit that I'm not an entirely innocent party in my marriage breakdown, it always takes two. As someone else has indicated I think my wife and I have both changed as people. Since my daughter was born my wife has dropped me as a priority at all and has admitted as much. She has no interest in making time for me or us, even when my daughter sleeps. I started a new career just after we marrried and it's been going extremely well but like most jobs nowadays you get back what you put into it. Now that we only have my wage it's important that I do well, for them. I think once you take the kids of it for a moment we now have different goals in life. She has no interest in working again whatsoever.

We didn't plan on a second baby but the one time she came back to our bed, she happened to ovulating. Within weeks she turned nasty again. Of course she denies this more than a coincidence but given I told her I wanted to leave a month earlier I can't help but think this was all planned. Now when we talk we only talk about the kids and every conversation is pretty much one way and I have no correct input according to her. I will admit I get angry sometimes. I've never hit anyone (outside of rugby and karate training) but I do shout and can seem aggressive. But like my parents say, that's the passionate Glaswegian in me. She knows I won't dare hit her. I couldn't live with myself.

She gets vicious with her words and at times hits me.

I just feel it's been so long since I felt respected, thanked and loved by the one person who vowed to do so l that I can't live this way anymore. My depression is triggered by rejection and thoughts of others hating me. I fear that everyone that knows me will hate me for leaving a pregnant woman or a woman who has two young children.

Now that I'm recording things for others to see and speaking to neutral people I'm starting to see that I'm not the only person to be in position in history and that if I can be happier then so can everyone around me.

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Well man! Im glad that you find some comfort in posting and communicating with others. Forums provide great connections with others that maybe going through the same thing or have had experience with similar issues.

It might not seem like right now, but you have your head on straight and will get through this man. I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to message me if you ever just need someone to talk to.

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