Hi, I was talking to a friend last night about the issues I've been having and he suggested trying to record my issues in a blog or a forum and see if anyone else is out there that might give me some advice given their own experiences.
I googled this morning and found this site. So I thought I'd give it a go.
I'm married and have been for just over 6 years. I've bedn with my wife for a liitke more than 16 years (since I was 19). We have one daughter aged 3 and my wife is pregnant - due at end of October. We both own my home, I've been paying the mortgage and all other household bills fir three years sonce my wife gave up work when our daughter was born. I'm a professional wirking for a large firm in a safety advisory role. I work away on average once a month for a few days at a time.
Around 2 years ago I noticed that we had started to argue a lot. No shouting, because of my daughter, but plenty of swearing. I made a mental note of this to see if there were any patterns, purely to fivure out if I was doing something wrong or not helping enough.
I eventually noticed a pattern and it was whenever we discussed anything that wasn't to do with my daughter. We would just fall out about all sorts and any decision I was asked to make was wrong. My wife is seemingly really indecisive but when we go through the options it's apparent that she's already decided for herself and the argument would start when my chosen option was different to hers.
Around 18 months ago, I was changing my daughter's nappy on the floor with my wife sat on a couch behind me. We had been arguing abd as I turned around to put a point across she kicked me in the face. I was pretty upset at this and it was painful but I concentrated on the pain and my daughter at the time.
Two weeks later I approached her about the incident while we made dinner and was told "next time I'll stab you!" while she raised a bread knife above her head. This had an affect on me. And we carried on arguing but I dont remember enjoying the marriage since then.
Six months later I was walking to work and found myself thinking about stepping out in front of the next car. I slap myself internally and walked to a cafe to reflect. I realised that for some time I had been unhappy and if anything miserable. I had also been having a few issues at wirk in that I didnt feel I was being rewarded as others were for what seened like more of an effort from me compared to them. I also realised my wife and I hadn't been sexual since we conceived my daughter (almost 3 years earlier). She had been sleeping in the spare room, her choice, for almost a year.
I took antidepressants daily from last July. There were no more occassions of violence but arguments became more and more vicious and hurtful. I would shout and she would call me names and put me down which would bring an end to the argument.
In December last year I told my wife I was leaving her. Her response was to tell me that I had changed and she didn't know who I was anymore. I went to parents to ask to move in and my father turned me away saying if I left and she changed the locks I would lose rights to the house. I've since found out this isn't the case! I felt I had nowhere to go so returned to the marital home. My wife and I talked and decided we would both try harder. She came back to marital bed and a week later offered me sex. It was this night my son to be was conceived.
Work had begun to improve too and recognition started to come in, my wife was back in our bed and we were having fun again. I decided to drop the meds and went cold turkey.
A few moths later we had started arguing again and at the beginning of April she told me she was pregnant. I was upset. We hadn't talked about it, I wasnt ready for another child abd I had begun to review whether I wanted to stay with her. All of a sudden I was overtaken with a feeling of being trapped. I felt like she had tricked me into another baby. She says she hadnt worked out her body clock and the pregnancy was a fluke.
Nothing really changed and we still argued, I was still being called names. In May of this year following another big argument I had a mental breakdown abd the remote control onto the couch in a rage. I stormed out and ounched an open door en route. I decided to go into town to find someone at random to best up. I dont think I've ever been so angry or desperate. She said she hated me and hated having to sleep with me.
Instead of finding a fight I pulled myself together enough to get off the bus at the hospital and asked to see soneone to talk to. A doctor put me back on the medication I was on before saying "what do you expect?! You were fine on the meds, now you're not."
I went home eventually, I didnt go around the corner to my parent's becsuse of how they were ladt time I needed help. I told my wife we were done and I couldn't keep doing this but that I was scared people would hate me for leaving her and that she would hurt my by denying the kids to me. She said she wouldn't do that. But that I was in no mental state to make that decision. "Wait until your meds kick in and you're fine, before you secide that". I was also upset at being responsible for dumping my kids into the welfare system. This was why we bought a home in the first place! There were a lot of tears that night. I moved into the spare room and have been there since. We havent talked more about splitting up but I have accepted buying things for the house and garden. I think she thinks I'm going to stay, but I only want to be there until my son is born and has got through the first few important months of his life.
Last weekend we were looking for storage boxes for the garage (because it's a mess and I figured they'd be needed). Long story short, I asked her why we were looking here ehen she clearly decided to get what she wanted elsewhere. Her response was to say "why dont you just go and die?!". The following day we were visiting friends and their son she told me before we arrived, not to swear in front of the kids "because it's not good for kids to hear naighty words." I reminded her of the say before and told her it was confusing how swearing in front of a child was bad but it was ok for our daughter to hear her mum tell her dad to go and die. Her reaction to this, as we drove along at 80mph, was to tell me open the passenger door and fall out the car. This came after the previous weekend when she spent an hour calling me names and putting me down ("thick, stupid, useless, pointless") in car as I drove. I didn't reply, I didn't want to fight.
There's been two other occassions where she hit me and laid into me with fists despite my hand and knees being up in defence. It's mainly verbal abuse and the odd item tbrown at me or a punch on the arm during fall outs.
I've been recieving councilling for the last 5 weeks and I'm still on my medication. I've started writing things down and telling people what I'm going through because I see it as a pre-emptive strike before I leave and everyone judges me.
Im not a small guy, about 16 stone and 5'10" tall, not much of a belly. I play rugby in the front row as a prop and I've always been physically strong. I thought I was always mentally strong too but I cry in bed alone almost every night. I worry about my kids, I worry about being hated, and I hate the thought of having to justify myself to everyone.
I'm hoping by writing here soneone will connect can offer some advice, or at least give me someone who understands to talk to.
Everytime I leave my councilling sessions I feel stronger and empowered but each time I get home I feel anxiety. My focus at work had been affected and I've bedn placed on a warning. My clearance for access to sensitive information is under review now that I've been diagnosed with a "mental health problem". So I'm also now worried about my job and career. I'm scared that if I dont do something I'll lose my home, my kids and my career having already lost my wife.
I'm trying to be strong but its so hard.