I turned 47 yesterday, and I've never bothered about aging before but today I feel sad and old and ugly.

[StillClimbing]

I've been in remission from severe MDD for over 3 years. I had minor bouts when younger but I developed peripartum depression with my last child and it lasted 4 1/2 years. I was hospitalized 10 times, tried 16 different medications, ECT, ketamine, TMS. It was a horrific time of my life and I never want to experience that pain and humiliation again. I've gradually worried less about relapse, and I'm certainly usually able to feel a normal range of emotions and have bad days or weeks without feeling overwhelmed. But I just had back surgery and so I'm out of work and I can't do most of the things I do for fun like hiking or swimming. And my birthday really wasn't the best. Today all I can think of are all the many ways I'm unhappy with myself and all the things I've done poorly or not achieved. And feeling so sad and tearful brings back a terror of being depressed. I do have a therapist who I have seen for 2 years; she is nice though she isn't the one who got me through the depression. And of course I always take my antidepressant.

[AM2004]

I hope you get better soon It must be very challenging being tired of being depressed sort of disappointed at disappointment maybe ? Would love to hear more if care to share 🙂

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hey I am checking back. How are you doing?

[StillClimbing in reply to Raggedy-Ann]

I'm better! I had a date with a very nice, interesting person, which was fun. I'm recovering from my back surgery really, really well. And I'm trying to focus on doing the little things, making small steps on feeling more in control and competent in my life. Most of the time I am able to see the positives and feel proud of myself for surviving my depression. But you know, some days it's easy to see all the failures instead. I try usually to just have a cry, and then maybe go for a walk and listen to music or call my sister or a friend. It's not perfect. I wish so much that depression and PTSD hadn't affected so much of my life and my achievements. But I have it so good compared to so many people. Thank you for checking in- I really appreciate it!