new to forum; lifetime member of MDD

[apathetic]

Hi, posting for the first time. I'm in the grips of a years+ episode of depression and just tired of it all. It is my 3rd major episode since diagnosis in my early 30's (37 yrs ago). I've had remission from the first two episodes so I know it is possible, but I'm feeling pretty hopeless and just wish for nonexistence. My therapist suggested I look into support groups. My depression is treatment resistant and drugs no longer work for me. I'm on the 24th out of 36 sessions of TMS. So far it seems to have given me the energy to get out of bed yet I feel no change in my mood. Right now I feel no pleasure, I have no motivation to do anything. Everything is hard. If I'm not careful, anxiety rears it's ugly head. From reading other posts, I'm guessing many can relate. Giving up feels so seductive to me. I've had a good life, I'm o.k. with it ending. As much as I desire it, suicide is not an option for me, I can't cause that pain for my family. I've seen what it can do to those left behind. Thanks for listening (reading). I'm not looking for answers, just a little peace of mind.

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I hope the TMS helps you. This is a great place to get support.

[apathetic in reply to gajh]

thanks for the welcome!

[Irishmexi35]

Hi there you are not alone and im rooting and cheering for you

[apathetic in reply to Irishmexi35]

best wishes for you as well!

[Catsuit53]

Apathetic, it’s good to know that you have recovered in the past. What worked for you then?

I have treatment resistant MDD too. I don’t have much enjoyment or motivation. TMS didn’t help much, but you never know how it will affect you.

[apathetic in reply to Catsuit53]

Catsuit53,

What worked in my first major episode was Prozac and therapy. It is harder for me to say what worked for my 2nd episode. Maybe medication, maybe ECT (I do not recommend - Side effects for me were devastating,- it left me with huge holes in my memory. It got me out of being suicidal but still left me very depressed). As you mentioned, one never knows how treatments will affect you.

I am sorry to hear you don't have much enjoyment or motivation. I can relate. For me, life without joy is not worth living. The only thing that keeps me here is not wanting to cause others pain. And maybe the slightest hope for a third remission.

How long have you had MDD? Has it always been treatment resistant? Are you currently trying any treatment?

I hope you find joy and desire to enhance your life. Have a restful afternoon.

[Catsuit53]

apathetic, I’ve had MDD since May. I’ve tried meditation, TMS, therapy, exercise, journaling. Thanks for your reply.

[Catsuit53]

I hope you find joy and remission

[apathetic in reply to Catsuit53]

Hi Catsuit53,

Thanks for the hope. It is so hard to hold onto when I'm down.

It sounds like you have been trying a variety of treatments, which is the best way to see if any of them work for you. I don't know if you feel like your depression will never end. I know I have, and that feeling can be paralysing. I also know that remission and even recovery are possible. Hold onto that if you can. It may not feel possible (even though I've experienced it twice, right now it doesn't seem possible for me). But try to hold it anyway. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. I'm sorry your life's path has led to depression. I hate it, and would never wish it on anyone.

Here's hoping your down is a little less down today.

[Catsuit53]

thanks for the thoughtful reply

[Sqlguy]

I had 2 courses of TMS 3 years apart, the full 36 sessions each time, and neither course did anything for me, I mean NOTHING. They talked me into doing the 2nd course by saying they knew better now how to position the magnets, what strength magnetic field to use, etc. I guess it works for some people. I am now maintaining on a very high dose of Ativan, 2400mg/day of gabapentin, and Parnate. Like someone else here mentioned, probably first go back to whatever got you out of other episodes. If for some reason you can't do that or what worked before isn't anymore, first look at how big a component anxiety is; in MDD, it is sometimes hard to tell what is coming from anxiety and what from depression. If anxiety is a major problem, have you ever ben on a benzo? If not, ask your doctor if you could get a low dose of Ativan or Klonopin to see if it helps. The other thing I would say is look a the anti-depressants you've tried; if they are all SSRIs (which doctors overwhelmingly tend to precscribe), try something from a different drug class, an SNRI like Cymbalta or an MAOI inhibitor like Parnate (which many doctors have never even heard of and if they have, they are afraid to prescribe it due to 1 or 2 flawed studies on blood pressure from 50 years ago). STAY AWAY FROM ECT. And what about ketamine? I would take a course of IV ketanine if Medicare paid for it, but I cannot afford $4- $5,000 for the initial course plus the boosters evrybody needs. Keep trying, and don't let yourself be too influenced by the Internet. before I tried Cymbalta, all i was reading was about the bad side effects and how hard it is to get off of; I didn't have a problem with either. Good luck.