Older!Feel like a loser, need help, support

[Mtndogg12]

Hello,

I’ve had MDD since around age 18, maybe younger and I’m now 64! It’s been an utter nightmare. Long story short, ended up marrying an abuser ( I can see why) was so ill I couldn’t function, so many different meds with awful side effects. So many years gone… I finally walked out 4 years ago with everything I could fit in my car and the dog! Went to stay with my daughter in another State.

I cannot describe how sad and lost and what a failure I feel like .. I cannot shake it. The time has gone. My husband loved to hurt me and to keep me down and I fought every single day to try and get better but how can you when you’re on the wrong meds and being abused. I do try to think come on.. you can do it, but that lasts for a while then it’s back to feeling so sad and lost. My family didn’t care.

I feel I’m actually grieving a life I could never have. I wanted a career and it was never remotely possible, I was too ill. I work as a caregiver and I do try to think be proud you’re doing something but it’s this grief….

I looked to hike and I keep fit and feel much younger but can’t stand these feelings as not being good enough.

Just wanted to vent I guess, I’m on Wellbutrin which does work, it gets me out of bed and I can do things, it’s these overwhelming feelings.

I’ve been to quite a few therapists but then they hear what happens to me always just say it’s amazing you’re still alive, you’re so strong but I don’t need to hear that, I need help.

Thanks for listening xxx

[ziggypiggy]

You sound like a beautiful amazing person. I'm glad you finally have a medication that works with side effects you can tolerate. No answers for you in the shame department. Lifetime of that as well. Hard to shake.

[Mtndogg12 in reply to ziggypiggy]

Thank you. So sorry you’ve had a hard time. For years I was on Paxil then Zoloft, awful side effects and I felt even worse but Wellbutrin works so much as I can get out of bed.

[Marilyn1Raloh2 in reply to Mtndogg12]

Hi Mtndog! Do you like dogs ?

[Marilyn1Raloh2 in reply to Mtndogg12]

I used to have 12! Only one now tho named Kobe!

[PeaceNeed]

Im 65 have mdd and gad w/ptsd. My family literally told me to get lost.I identify with ur story. I tried to start careers and had them all blow up in my face.

Im still fighting and occassionally I have good days.

I wish you well and the hope you can experience some good days in the future.

[Mtndogg12 in reply to PeaceNeed]

Thank you for your reply and I really hope you can have good days too. This is so hard.

[roses4all]

A lot of that is similar to my life. I am sorry you have gone through all that too. Sorry you can't have the career either. And I've had the people say ''oh you are so strong''... and you're right.. it doesn't help. I do have a therapist that helps. I've had him for about a year. He is trained in trauma and personality disorder (not me... the people who were in my life). He asked me an interesting question at the beginning. He asked, ''Do you need me to understand?''... I said: ''no''. I just need help getting from where I am to somewhere better. And he has been able to help. Congrats on being in shape... cause I'm fighting that battle too.

[Mtndogg12 in reply to roses4all]

Thank you. That’s so interesting what your therapist asked. That’s the thing, you need help getting to somewhere better, very hard.

My ex was a full blown narcissist, most likely sociopath.

[Amen9771]

You're not alone. Stay strong and be proud of all the little wins in your life. Being grateful is a very good coping tool.

[Mtndogg12 in reply to Amen9771]

Thank you. ❤️

[Marilyn1Raloh2 in reply to Amen9771]

That's a really good point. There's always something to be grateful for and concentrating on those things always helps me. Thanks for mentioning it as I tend to get bogged down with all the disappointments I face everyday.Im 77 and don't have many happy things in my life and feel pretty useless to the world but I did rescue a bird the other day that had his head caught in the feeder and that gave me a lot of happiness. I love waking up and seeing the birds outside waiting to be fed some birdseed.

[NeuroSeeker in reply to Marilyn1Raloh2]

Birds are a solace to me, too. ❤️

[Moongazer9 in reply to Amen9771]

I get anxiety, panic and depression in cycles......things seem okay and then not okay.....it's like a cycle ....I try to find things to be grateful for each day!

[Chofum]

Hi there, we are the same age I understand your pain , I am divorced it’s been a long time now but I to was emotionally abused and was married to an alcoholic, I was sick as well and ended up getting out , I’ve never remarried , if you need to talk reach out , I’m here , many days I feel like a looser to, I see so many couples together and I’m alone , I pray that someday god will answer my prayer and bring me a loving partner

[Mtndogg12 in reply to Chofum]

So sorry you had a terrible marriage, I so understand what you’re saying, I’ve never had a loving relationship and feel so alone. I often see couples too and it really hurts.

[InvisibleGal]

I share your feelings (and age, no family though). For me the book from Kristine Neff "Self Compassion" was very helpful.

[Mtndogg12 in reply to InvisibleGal]

Thank you so much and I’ll take a look at that book.

[catdogmom]

Start living now, try sell-love, maybe you need a therapist who specializes in trauma recovery

[Mtndogg12 in reply to catdogmom]

Wish I could find a good therapist, a lot of this is because I hate myself most of the time and feel like a loser. Don’t know how to get past that. I know we can’t help having MDD but I hate myself for having it as it’s crippled me.

[NeuroSeeker in reply to Mtndogg12]

It's not your fault. We don't blame people for getting a disease, say Parkinson's or whatever, but MDD is a disease that is sneaky and mean and invisible (most of the time...).

It's not your fault. Now you get to choose what to do next.

I've found therapy to be critical for me. If there are psychologist's in your area, getting on a wait list is a good option!

❤️

[Gramas]

I understand a lot of what you’re saying. I feel like life has passed me by and I never accomplished what I really wanted to. It’s definitely too late now as I’m 64 and there’s a lot that I can’t physically or mentally do anymore. But I still get up every day and give it my best, that’s all I can do at this point. I guess all we can do is talk and support each other, which helps to keep us going.

[Beavis2022]

I'm the same, only I'm 69. It has been so hard. When I was younger, I had more happier moments. Now that I'm old, there's been too many losses, including my youth and looks, along with parents and friends. Nothing to look forward to. Some days are better than others, though. Just today is not one of them. I wish you some good days!

[Mtndogg12 in reply to Beavis2022]

Thank you and I totally understand, it’s such a feeling of overwhelming loss, grief. I try to think only I can change this but so hard when this depression hits and feels like walking through mud. Really hope your are ok today.

[stmachir]

Stay the course - you are incredibly strong!!

[NeuroSeeker]

It is appropriate and natural to grieve. You are not weak or fouled because of grief. Grief is, to me, a soul-deep recognition of loss. It deserves to be acknowledged.

And so do you. You are not a failure. We do the best we can, and sometimes the world is simply too hard. You're not flawed for that.

I've had depression my whole life and denied it for much of the time, thinking I was "better." Of course, soul wounds are deep and difficult to understand, much less address.

I hope you can give yourself grace. It's natural to mourn the life you thought you would have.

And also, it is okay to begin thinking about what your new life can be. What life will be like without the dark clouds of abuse.

You are healing. Sometimes, healing hurts more than the original wound. Love on yourself. Buy yourself flowers. Watch birds. Be quiet with yourself.

I'm struggling with many similar things. We are both worth the time and effort to find healing. 64 is not to late. Not at all! We are never finished, just growing

My heart is with you.

[Mtndogg12 in reply to NeuroSeeker]

Thank you so much for your kind words, they made me cry but more in a good way. You are so right. It’s also the “too late” that kills me and so hard. Thank you and I hope you can find peace. ❤️❤️

[Mamabear49_]

keep your head up

Keep putting one foot in front of the other each day

I too have MDD since childhood

I’m 55 now

I learned that this is an illness that is treatable not curable

And it takes a PLAN

Meds alone won’t do it

My plan is- daily sunshine, journal, a purpose, a support system, spirituality, a hobby, walk/exercise, positive self talk, stay in the present, talk therapy, and be kind to yourself

I have bad days still- and fight to stay on the right side of good

I know who I am now , an empathy in a overstimulating world

I need to do self care - nothing is perfect

But I am still here, find the small gratitude in each day and guard my mind and heart

You can do it! One day/moment at a time and reach out to others for support

Glad you are here ☀️🌼♥️