I'm Tired of Being a Loser

I don't know how this is supposed to work, but I'm going to give it a try. As the title says, I'm tired of being a loser. I've been one my whole life, and I don't see that changing. I can't make friends, let alone meet somebody, and I'm so lonely and depressed I cry almost all the time. I've gone through so many therapists over the years, and none of them seem to understand the depth of my depression. My most recent therapist tried CBT with me, but how am I supposed to replace a negative thought with positive ones when all I have are negative? I don't know what to do anymore.

[Cookie2217]

Your not the world's worst writer or a loser. You have depression and it's telling you to beat up on yourself and self loathe. I do that all the time. I isolate and try and sleep night and day because I think that there is nothing to look forward too. I need to begin journaling again to get those negative thoughts out in the open so I can deal with my emotions. Have you tried journaling ever? I find it very helpful. I also practice slow breathing method where you breathe in for 5 seconds and then hold it for 6 seconds and then breathe out slowly for 7 seconds for anxiety. I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder and PTSD and adjustment disorder. I've been on multiple medications to try to combat the depression episodes. I've been in a depressive episode for the past 5 years since before covid in 2020. It's been the toughest of my entire life. I been in online cbt therapy but don't think it really helped much. Then in 2023 found an excellent psychologist Dr. Nover who was extremely helpful, warm, inviting and I was able to successfully complete that therapeutic process and service. Since then, I lost my job, my house and had a resort to living in my sister's basement for 7 months which was absolute torture. She never wanted us there and made sure we knew it everyday. Things came to a head and we've been out on our own for a while now 7 months and struggling to make it. It's scary. Trying to find a job that I love so living in Pennsylvania doesn't suck so much. We had to up and leave our friends and everything we knew due to our financial situation and just been looking hard for sustainable full-time work as I'm the Breadwinner in my family. It's up to me if my husband and I make it or not. Hopefully we'll get some sort or brake. One has to come our way sooner or later. Hope you feel better soon. Hang in there. Ok

[Hidden in reply to Cookie2217]

I'm no Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings (Shout out to everyone who knows who she is), but the one thing I want in my life is to publish a successful book. If my life would have gone to plan, I wouldn't be in a MFA program trying to get my degree. I wanted a family that I could have dedicated my life to, but it didn't happen. Now I feel like I'm grasping at straws and do something that has a one in a billion shot of working, because I want to feel like I accomplished something in my life. I've worked it into my mind that if I could do something like publish a book, then I would matter. So, will I have a successful book, probably not. Will it get published at all, again probably not. I'm sorry those things happened to you, and I know living like that is hard on a relationship, but you have the trust and support of your partner and take solace in that. Don't let that fall apart, because the world is a much darker place with out a good, honest person by your side.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for the positivity. I needed that about now. I've been in a rut for the past few weeks now. Not getting out bed all day. It was my husband's birthday yesterday and I slept all day. I'm just glad that I gave him a cool party this past summer for this year's birthday. I still feel somewhat guilty though. 😔 I have to remember to have some happiness in the small things in life. I think you should journal a lot put you life's story in a journal maybe that would help feel accomplished. Just remember you are someone who is special and worthy!!

[Hidden in reply to Cookie2217]

One thing I can't stress more is talking. Don't ever keep your husband in the dark. It's good for him to know where you're at mentally; it's good for yourself, and it's good for your relationship. I'm not a therapist, but I can't see how anyone could complain about keeping the lines of communication open between partners. And don't feel guilty about your illness. Everyone knows that it takes twice, 3 times, or more effort to do things when you're suffering. So just talk to him, and help him to understand how it is for you.

I don't need to have a whole journal for my accomplishments.

I graduated college

That's it. It's the one thing I'm proud of. I'm the first and only member of my family to do so, but that's the only achievement I've had in my life. I try to appreciate the small things, but it’s like two or three bricks to stand up to a tsunami.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Hidden]

I'm a college graduate too. Put myself through college on my own. I didn't want to go when I got right out of high school and my father forced me to go to college and take a bus to get there meanwhile he gave my sister a car to get to her college I felt very disrespected so I failed that on purpose. I was very rebellious as a young person but in hindsight I now realize that I had a lot of childhood trauma at the hands of my parents I was physically abused by my dad and emotionally psychologically and verbally abused by my mother who is also an alcoholic so I didn't really have the best home life if you know what I mean. Things really went downhill when I turned 16 and it was like constant fights daily. But that was then and this is now I need to make peace with what happened and move on with my life. My husband, Paul and I are very close until each other everything we even have a radio station together and go on air as a Duo he's the Duke and I'm the Duchess! If you ever want to listen in it's 929fmradio.com. I do all the station tags myself and Paul is the Maestro behind the computer he's like The Wizard of Oz literally. It's more of an 80s type station but it's rock and roll I hope you like it. Nice talking to you. Hope to chat soon again. Where are you from. I grew up in New Jersey and now live in Pennsylvania. Quite the culture shock for us. Lots cheaper out here accept for the gas.

[Hidden in reply to Cookie2217]

I went to the website, and I like the music, but I also saw that there is a cryptids and paranormal conference, which I'm interested in. Unfortunately, I live in The South, and getting to NJ takes a little coordination to arrange. I’m not a believer, but honestly, something about cryptids and paranormal things reminds me of my childhood, and it’s a comfortable feeling. I feel less depressed when I think about the stories about aliens and Bigfoot. Part of it is because I’m a huge X-Files fan, and I have such great memories about the show. As a matter of fact, I rewatch the whole series each year starting in June.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Hidden]

I so happy you listened. Were you from South Carolina tonight? Did you listen tonight? We were on live. Did you hear us. I'm so proud of how far the website and station has come. I hope to come back and listen again. Yes the Cryptids and paranormal conference is run by our very good friend Michael Connor and there are lots of vendors there who are authors that sell books on on the subjects and we even have guest speakers it's really cool and interesting. My husband and I even went on a ghost hunt once which was very interesting as well. So you're a big X-Files fan huh that's cool. The conference will be on June 7th. Maybe you could make it up for it.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Hidden]

There's also another event that happens yearly up here called I heart horror and it is a charity event that helps Deborah Hospital. Plenty of vendors and people from the entertainment industry that have been in horror movies from Years Gone by and authors and it's a really cool event that just happened February 2nd in Sayreville. There's a lot of people that go to that event. My husband Paul and I go each year but as I said this year I missed it due to my damn depression. I'm really sad I missed it I heard it was really great. I met a woman Karen Temper who's an author who has toured the Annabelle house and was a paranormal investigator for many many years and has been all over the country doing ghost hunts. She led our group when Paul and I went on our Ghost Hunt and it was so fun talking to her all night I had a great time that night. She's going to be at Mike O'Connor's event June 7th I'm excited to see her again. We helped out with a cat rescue that she's involved with and did a commercial for them so we hung out there too.

[Hidden in reply to Cookie2217]

Yes, that was me. I enjoyed listening to the station, but I wasn’t about to call in. I’m a really shy person, and talking on the telephone is difficult for me, let alone talking on radio, lol. I would really like to go to the conference, but with school, writing my book, and family stuff, it’s going to be nearly impossible for me to attend, but I’ll keep my options open. I’ve always wanted to go on a ghost hunt. They seem like fun since, most of the time, they’re held at spooky places or old homes.

As for the I Heart Horror event, you couldn’t make it. It’s no different than missing it because you had the flu. You can’t hold yourself accountable because something that you couldn’t control happened to you. You have to let that go. I was told a long time ago that depression is worrying about the past, and anxiety is worrying about the future. You can’t change the past, and the future isn’t written yet, so think about them but don’t live them because the most important time is right now. I know it’s hard to follow advice, especially when your brain is telling you other things, but if you can change one thought, I think honestly, you can change them all. I believe in you.

[Cookie2217 in reply to Hidden]

Awh. So you heard our banter back and forth then. I come alive when I'm on the radio with my husband, Paul. We have a good vibe together on air. Did you ever hear of Korey Burris over on the suicide prevention and God's helpers I belong to that organization as well and interviewed him on air he is a suicide Survivor as am I and for suicide prevention month I usually do something special to bring that to the Forefront. Maybe next time text in what you wanna here ok.

[Pennygirl5]

We all know how this feels. Please take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. First take a shower. Then get dressed. Then eat something healthy. Take a walk or go for a drive. I know it sounds like the same old stuff, but it really does work. Ive been divorced for 11 years, and recently my 2 grown children have moved out into their own lives!! I’m alone most of the time. It is sometimes difficult, lonely, whatever your word is for it. But you have value and purpose I recently went to the movies alone and it was great. Keep going, you got this!

[Chofum in reply to Pennygirl5]

I know how you feel, you are not alone

[Hidden in reply to Pennygirl5]

Four years ago, I set out to change my life by being more active and trying to make friends, but I failed to do so. People treated me with disrespect by either lying to me or ghosting me. I took several suggestions on pursuing my hobbies and interest, but nothing came of it. I didn't think I was asking for much to make one solid friend, but I guess I was. I wasn't even hoping to be their best friend. I just wanted someone who I could talk to and to have a common bond with. And let's not get into relationships. I am a fat, ugly man, that no woman wants to be seen with let alone be considered romantic with. I don't have a thread of hope left.

[Depressed_Individual]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. Your pain sounds unbearable. I don’t think you are a loser. I have like one friend and cry all the time. I don’t feel like a loser. Are you close with your family at all? I think that you are being too hard on yourself. I am sure you have a lot of good qualities. Try to be gentle with yourself. Don’t give up. Keep fighting. I believe in you. Take care

[Hidden in reply to Depressed_Individual]

I'm a scientist, and as such, we look for patterns in our results. If I keep striking out with different people all the time, I'm the common element that causes everything to fail. I know psychology has conformation bias, but how can it not be true if it keeps happening. I'm getting to a point where I'm tired of trying different things.