Don’t want to be alive, can’t be dead.

[JulBean]

Note: I am not suicidal. The only thing heavier than my depression is the responsibility as the only support system for my children. I. Will. Not. Leave. Them. No. Matter. How. Bad. It. Gets.

Yes, I am aware that this is Suicidal Ideation.

And yes, the program that I am waitlisted for is aware of this.

I’m low. Belly on the ground low.

The only thing that keeps me from ending it all, finally, is my children (teens & 20’s). They have no other adult support network. I have to hold on. I also would not ever leave them to clean up the messes that I have created (my “stuff” and the estate).

I get out of bed every day only as a responsibility to them. I leave the house only on their behalf - to drive them to work and school or to buy the minimum of groceries.

If I didn’t have them, I know how I would die. I would do it with the least amount of trauma to anyone. Either by taking something and then just going and sitting myself in the ER waiting room without checking in. They know how to deal with death there. Or by disappearing deep into the north woods where no one would be traumatized by finding my body.

But it won’t happen. I have felt this desire to die at various times since I was a teenager. My sense of obligation to others is too great. I’m not of the mind “let’s see who would really appreciate me if I wasn’t here”. I know that it would irreparably traumatize my children. My mother was selfish with her own needs over that of her children. I won’t be her.

Although, I do worry that once/if I start therapy that works and start to focus on my own needs as a priority that I might somehow be convinced to put my needs first…

I’m rambling. I’m sorry.

None of the “reasons” not to die apply to me. I have no hopes or dreams. I have nothing that I enjoy doing anymore. I can’t remember anything that made me feel positive in so long.

And the only thing that I can even remember that was positive is times spent with an old male friend 3+ years ago - we dated for a while - who no longer wants to speak to me because of my mental health issues. He told me yesterday not to message him again. I messaged him in the middle of a panic attack over how could I ever date anyone - I have a history of sexual assault and the thought of being physically involved with someone sends me into anxiety overload. I had a full panic attack. I have been trying to figure out how to ease back into the world. And I joined a local singles group and created a Match profile. The focus on sex discussions overwhelmed me, and Match paired me with a man that I know is out on parole for beating a former partner to death (he’s local). I reached out to one man with mutual friends in a platonic way and he rebuffed me. I asked a question of the group about male/female relationships that are intimate, but don’t necessarily involve sex (or at least not for a long while) and I was told over and over again that there is something wrong with me and that no man would ever agree to such a thing. And all of the anxiety from each of these things together crashed in on me. So I messaged my old friend (who I saw a few days earlier). He’s dating someone else, and he felt that I overstepped boundaries in sharing this upset with him and he said that we should discontinue all communication.

I tried these groups because the therapist told me that it was the way to beat my anxiety over forming relationships. Instead, it made everything worse.

I have been on a variety of antidepressants for more than a year without any relief. I am on an extended leave from work because I can’t face people. I can’t check into an inpatient program because there is genuinely no one else to support my children. The youngest two don’t drive and can’t look after themselves well enough for me to disappear for a three week inpatient program.

I’m on a waitlist for an outpatient self-directed program. I got to choose one issue to focus on and I chose anxiety. The other therapist that I saw (and used all of my benefits coverage on) just wanted to give me pep talks about “thinking positively” and finding my “energy” and told me that I just needed to put myself out there and that everyone is nervous about meeting new people…

And I have nowhere else to turn. And no hope that anything will ever change.

[TankGirl1]

I know exactly how you feel. I just joined this this morning because I feel the same way. And my child is the only thing keeping me anchored down here. And no matter how hard I have it, I imagine how hard it would be for her without her mama. And that keeps me grounded. 🫶🏼

[simone68]

Hi JulBean;

Your daily struggle sounds very familiar. Please consider that the things we do each day should be, first, for the love and care of ourselves, and second, for those whom we must care for. One example to support this is when we do a trip on a plane and the stewards always explain about the oxygen masks in case of emergencies. They stress that when we have children with us, we must first put the masks on ourselves before doing such for the children.

The therapist you had before sounds about as helpful as one of my oddball aunts when I was growing up. Upon meeting me again after months or years, she would comment with such loving things as, "I see you still are biting your nails," or "Why do you act so sad? You have to pull your spirits up and see the sunshine of our Lord." Needless to say, those comments only forced me to keep away from her, for decades. I was taught to have respect for elders, etc, even when they had zero respect for me. In spite of my finishing a PhD program w/such visual handicaps. We can't choose our relatives or our birth family, but we can choose to be with those folks who tend to give us help and hope.

One thing we can try to do for ourselves is to remember, to recount those things we have achieved. Recall for yourself how you got to where you are now.

Oran

[Luvmyboston]

You are seen. You are heard. I have felt those very same things. My kids were my saving grace for years! If I couldn't do it for me, I could for them. And I too didn't want to be my narcisistic mother. I don't think either of us are our mothers. And we DO need to put our NEEDS as a top priority. It sets an example to our kids. But the pressure you are under being the sole care giver, that is huge! Also, let me say this... therapists are people, and they screw up. Yours did NOT see you. If you have past trauma from sexual abuse (I relate) a dating app is not a good space. PTDS is something you may want to look at. You are carrying a heavy, heavy burden. This is a place you will be heard. You will be supported. One baby step at a time, that's all you need to do right now, which sounds like you are. Hold on my friend, we need you in our community.

[BlahhYataYata]

Hi JulBean,

I can also relate to how you’re feeling. I am also the sole support for my children and hang in there for them. You’re not alone and I hope you find comfort and strength in this community. You deserve happiness ✌🏻🫶

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hi, I really struggle when I am not in a relationship and let whoever walk all over me out of fear of being alone. I decided I had to learn to let go of the idea of dating. I am a mess. I would be no help to anyone and I don't want another person criticizing me. I struggle with acceptance but I am turning a corner. I am 56 accept my body, I have a lifetime fighting depression. Today I am here. We have an illness that attacks our will to live. People who don't have depression can't understand that. You are not alone here. Set small achievable goals for the day and soak up any good feelings after doing one. You might try living for yourself. I stick around for my three little old dogs, but I try to set myself up to have one thing to look forward to. Get an Amaryllis bulb or similar winter flower The first peek of green can lift your spirits and all the way to beautiful blooms is rewarding. I know it is hard when you are scraping the rocks. Don't watch any news, the world will still be there when you are feeling better. You should talk to your doctor about trying a different medication or adding something. You need a break from the darkness. Keep breathing and check back in with us. hug

[Downinil]

Hi JulBean! I feel like I’m in a very similar situation. I do have debilitating physical pain as well so that limits my use as a volunteer. I hope you feel comfortable connecting with me. It seems like we could both benefit from an online friendship. I hope you’re feeling better today.