Where Are My People?

[RottieFlood37]

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder over 5 years ago. It started with speech therapy but didn’t seem to help. I’ve been medicated since then but it doesn’t feel like it’s doing its job anymore. The last couple years have been a rollercoaster with changing meds multiple times, worsening depression, and what seems like a never ending list of side effects - either from my meds, my diagnosis, or an undiagnosed additional issue that hasn’t been identified yet. 😔

Unfortunately, I’m realizing I have been a depressive my entire life. I remember having episodes when I was younger but sometime in my early tween/teen years it laid its claws in and never let go. I feel like I am alone all the time; it’s hard to connect with others when it feels like they just don’t understand you deeply. I have my husband and three amazing children but it just feels like they don’t get me on my level. I’ve also suffered a lot of trauma in my life. Things I didn’t realize were traumas until now; until I was much older and realizing how much those experiences shaped me - triggers and such.

Lately, there’s been no light at the end of the tunnel. Every morning I wake up angry and then immediately tearful. I don’t sleep. I am in pain all the time - emotional , mental, and physical. The physical pain keeps me from doing so much. I can’t concentrate at work or do anything at home. There are so many important things being missed because of this pain. My kiddos have suffered because of this too. I have so much anger and resentment because of it.

About a year ago now, I think I had a breakdown. I woke up one morning and I could barely function. I couldn’t put pressure on my feet to walk myself to the bathroom, my hands hurt so bad I couldn’t pull the covers back to get out of bed, my stomach was in knots all the time, I had a never ending headache, and I couldn’t stop crying. It didn’t stop for two straight months. Eventually, the crying slowed, the foot pain got better, the hand pain shifted, and the headaches went away. With different meds, the crying slowed and my mood lightened some. I was able to go back to work full-time but still worked from home half the time. My pain has intensified again. I’m not able to stay in one position for too long. Concentration is hard to come by. I’m tearful 24/7/365. I can’t stand talking to anyone on-the-phone or in-person; I can’t get through a full sentence without crying. I’m so tired all the time but I can’t sleep without being medicated and it’s not restful. I don’t enjoy anything, especially my favorite things. I work from home. I hardly leave my house.

I cannot live like this. I cannot let the people down who depend on me. My boys means everything to me. They are the reason I don’t let the darkness win. But I don’t have anyone to share this with; not on this level.

[Hidden]

TWI feel the same way. I don't have kids. I have a husband that does not care and he is abusive. I chose not to have kids because I didn't think I would be a great mom, generally, after all the trauma I went through. Thank goodness I didn't have kids with my husband. I can't leave, because I had a breakdown years ago, after I was laid off from a job, plus my depression and I was all alone. When I felt better and started looking for a job, I couldn't find one. Then I started to actually have physical illnesses, which I really feel were brought on by my MDD, plus PTSD and just too much time alone and the abuse from my husband. I feel very scared, because if something happens to him, I would be on the street. My sister doesn't care about me. So I don't care if I am here or not. Once my dog goes, that will be it for me. So, I know the feeling.

[RottieFlood37 in reply to Hidden]

PoseyLane, our situations are different but I hear you. Please message me if you need a friend; I sure do.

[Hidden in reply to RottieFlood37]

Thank you. I am having a tough day. You may get a message from me.

[omlovepeace]

Please read a book called Learned Optimism, it may really change your depressed mind. I think it's author is Martin Seligman.

[RottieFlood37]

LovePeace I've added this to my wish list. I checked out a sample with a couple chapters…

I find myself in a conundrum, however. I am an optimist. At my core, I don’t believe I’m a pessimist. I always approach things strategically; I always look at all possible avenues. I have to be reasonable and honest about my future because I have a family to support. My choices haven’t gotten me where I am today. Someone else’s have.

If optimism is just hope that something will have a successful outcome, it can be false hope. Pessimism is the lack of hope or confidence. And I don’t have a lack of hope, but those outside influences I don’t have control over sure do leave me with zero confidence in my future.

I appreciate your Reply, LovePeace. And I’m going to get/buy this book. I’ve made a promise to be honest with myself, and with everyone, going forward because I haven’t been for a long time. I hope you can appreciate my response. 🙃

[designguy]

Finding the right medication can be a real challenge, I went through a half-dozen different meds of which none worked. I then did a psychopharmacological test that used my dan to determine which meds were best suited for me genetically. The test showed that none of the meds I had tried were right for me and I started on one it recommended and it has worked well. My test was from Genesight and paid for by my insurance.

another thing that helped me was reading that a lot of depression can be caused by repressed anger which fit me because I realized I had been repressing it and the rage I felt form the way I was raised and was even shamed and punished for showing any signs of normal healthy anger. I started working with a therapist to get in touch with it and process it and even started beting the crap out of a pillow at home when I was triggered, it all really helped.

[RottieFlood37 in reply to designguy]

Hey designguy, my PCP actually switched my meds because of the gene testing you’re referencing. But I’m not sure they’re doing the job. I have a follow-up in a month; I’ve been on them for about a year and my dose has been increased during that time. This is also the fifth med I’ve been on.

I also have a lot of anger and resentment; I know this. Part of my issue is that I experience debilitating back/hip pain; I have for quite a long time. It hasn’t been determined if there is an underlying issue or if the worsening is a symptom/side effect of my MDD. I have very low mobility when it comes to anything high-intensity. 😔 Low-intensity (walking/standing/sitting) gives me a decent 10-15 minutes, and I can barely move to sit and rest.

[designguy in reply to RottieFlood37]

My gene test showed that I also had some gene mutations that my Functional Medicine Psych practitioner was able to advise me of which natural supplements to take to help my medication work better.

Another important thing is to make sure your hormones, thyroid and adrenals are functioning properly, they can cause or contribute to depression/anxiety if not. Getting my low testosterone fixed and the right med for my hypothyroidism really helped.

[RottieFlood37]

I’ve been seeing my doctor since I was a teenager. I have a great relationship with him. We do full blood panels often and everything is fine. It’s very disheartening. 😞

[teakabeagle]

have you had TMS/TBS( transcranial magnetic stimulation/ theta burst stimulation) It’s a long treatment at 5 days a week for 6 weeks, then two taper weeks. Since you have what sounds like treatment resistant depression, your insurance company may cover. Medicare does cover it.

I too have been drpressed most of my life and tried se real medications, talk therapy, hypnosis EMDR with no lasting relief. I am now in remission for the first time ever.

Even though it sounds scary, modern ECT can also be a game changer. Ketamine and Spravato and a new medication Avuelity have also worked well.

It sounds like you need to get more aggressive treatment, and these are some of those options.

Good luck! Ask for these treatments. If you see a primary care doc for your depression, you need to get with a psychiatrist.