I’m spiraling and I don’t know how to stop it

[Luna-Belle]

Hi everyone - I’m new here and I found this site after I had a mental breakdown 2 days ago. I’ve dealt with depression since I was a preteen (I am 32 now), and it comes in waves, but right now I feeling like I’m drowning in said wave. I take meds, I see a therapist, gotten sober (3 years), I’ve been to in-patient facilities, and I feel like I’ll never be fixed. I have a good job, but it’s been stressing me out lately and I’m burned out. My last relationship was my first serious relationship and I fell in love with him. We haven’t talked in over a year, and I still feel like there’s a chance for us one day and I hate it. I know the ending of that relationship hasn’t helped how I feel about myself and the direction my life is going in. I want to be over him and I feel like it’ll never happen and I hate it. I genuinely feel like I’m going insane, that I’ll never be happy, and that I’ll never be in love. I keep daydreaming of an alternate reality of us still being together and the comfort I felt with him, and how my life would look like if we were still together. Right now I feel so disassociated from life and I don’t have the energy to get through this. I’m just tired and I felt like I needed to share this with people who may feel/have felt similarly. Thank you!

[Lovestoeat4me]

Hi, Luna. I completely understand. What are your interests and or hobbies? Are you a religious person? Have you tried church or close friends?

[Luna-Belle in reply to Lovestoeat4me]

Thanks for your reply! I’m not religious, but I have made a lot of new friends this past year at my current job. I hang out with them regularly and most of them know how I’ve struggled with depression and getting through this break up. Having this new social life distracted me for awhile, but now I feel like I’m regressing. Going to the movies is a big interest of mine, and I used to do hot yoga. I’d like to get back into hot yoga and maybe another hobby.

[Lovestoeat4me in reply to Luna-Belle]

Glad you've found something that helps. I'm still searching. The thing's that I used to LOVE doing seems so far from me. I either don't have the energy or desire to do them anymore. Is there anything prohibiting you from enjoying hot yoga again?

[Luna-Belle]

ugh I’m sorry! I’m in a similar boat - lack of motivation and/or energy. Hot yoga can be expensive but that’s a bad excuse for me to use given what I spend on take out during a depressive episode. I hope you’re able to find something new that you love, or something you used to love, soon. Even if you do it in spurts - baby steps.

[MisterMimi]

It really resonated when you said that you find yourself daydreaming of an alternate reality. I’ve definitely found myself doing this while thinking of my ex husband (divorced almost a year) and with a lot of things. I’m feeling very burnt out at work and I feel like I have been robotically going through the motions for almost a year. I’ve had a lot of thoughts and worries lately that I too will not be in love again or happy in the way I was before. Not sure how encouraging my words are, but when I read this I found myself relating to a lot of it. You are not alone. ❤️