torture and darkness

[DonnaEll]

I just wrote a post but it got lost so I’m gonna write again. Tonight I lost all control and had a scream fest. I am completely overwhelmed by my mom no longer being here and her sisters all being gone as well. I have no one to take care of me and the pain and feelings of sliminess are just unbearable. I have been the closest I have ever gotten to being actually suicidal but I still can’t bring myself to do anything. I am so glad I can come here and bear my soul with no fear of judgement. Thanks for letting me vent this evening…I appreciate it.

[gajh]

I hope you are feeling better since you posted this. I am thinking of you.

[Pilsner123]

DonnaEll - your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry about how you feel. Can you call 988 (suicide hotline number). I haven't tried it, but maybe it will be helpful to talk to someone. I'll be checking in to make sure you're holding up ok. Thinking of you.

[Pilsner123 in reply to Pilsner123]

Hi DonnaEll - How are you feeling today?

[DonnaEll in reply to Pilsner123]

A little better. I just hate it when the tears come. It’s like my body is being held hostage and there is no escape.

[Pilsner123 in reply to DonnaEll]

Let the tears come. (Although I admit that's hard if you're in public). It's probably better to let that sorrow and and tension out.

[DonnaEll in reply to Pilsner123]

I cry everyday. It makes me so tired. I just want to be normal and the crazy, hilarious person I am. I’m so tired of living in despair everyday!

[Pilsner123 in reply to DonnaEll]

I wish I was normal too. I liken myself to living in a prison, just waiting for death to take me away. Maybe someday things will get better for us.

[DonnaEll in reply to Pilsner123]

I so hope so. I know that you deserve it and I probably do too.

[Midori in reply to DonnaEll]

Tears are a release mechanism, please don't try to stop them. They can help you . Think of them as taking all the bits of pain and taking them out of your body. It may build up again, but let the tears flow.

I know it's difficult when you realise you have nobody left to advise you, or to look up to. I'm now the matriarch of my small family. It can be hard at times, but accept it and try to work with it .

Cheers, Midori

[JulBean in reply to Midori]

Tears are TOTALLY a release. Actually, physically.

I have an autoimmune disorder that means that I can’t physically cry (I don’t make tears). This is something that we’ve talked about in that support group. Not crying is SO bad for your mental health.

There’s obviously some sort of hormone or something that is released when tears build and fall.

[Midori in reply to JulBean]

That's difficult.

Cheers, Midori

[Marysblue]

I have no close family either anymore. It's tough.

[Snowydoe]

DonnaEll, I feel your pain. I’m so sorry for your loss. I too feel like I have no one to turn to when I need someone to talk to. I hope that just posting on here at least helps you feel like you’re not alone.

I do believe that people that have left this Earth can still see and hear us. I quite often talk to my Dad even though he has been gone for about 15 years. Just believing that helps me.

I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you. You are not alone.

[Pilsner123]

Hi DonnaEll - How are you feeling today?

[DonnaEll in reply to Pilsner123]

I’m hanging in there.

[Swilly97]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm glad you're not acting on your thoughts too. Your situation is understandably frustrating. Hang in there

[DonnaEll in reply to Swilly97]

Thank you, Swilly!