Feeling alone and lost..

[acoffeediva]

Hi.. first time here.

Feeling alone in my life and searching for connection has led me here. I’ve suffered from really bad depression and anxiety on and off my whole life. It’s been worse the past five years or so. I recently lost my husband, dad, then my sister.

The grief of all of them I’ve never really come back from. Mostly my sister. I went on medication for the first time 3 years ago and it’s been a roller coaster up and down. What works. What doesn’t. What makes me worse.

I have remarried and moved. I have a house now. Things that I should be happy for. But it’s hard for me to feel joy most days. Which then leaves me to feel guilty. Like I’m wasting my gift of being on this earth.

I recently went off of my anxiety medication abilify because it made me gain so much weight and it’s made me horribly depressed. It’s awful.

I don’t work anymore. I wouldn’t be able to even keep a job if I wanted to. I have fatigue all the time now between the meds and low iron. I’m thankful I can stay home and my husband works, I just want to be happy. But lately I’m so lonely. Isolated. I feel no one understands what it’s like. I told my mom today I was so anxious. She told me to “just fight it”. As if I don’t do that everyday of my life as it is.

I’ve lost pretty much all my friends over the years. I have some people I text with but no one I can go see in person or connect with. My sister was my best friend. My world. Without her I don’t understand what my life looks like anymore. I don’t have kids either. So I feel like I’m just completely alone. It makes the depression worse.

My mom lives close and I see her often when I’m in a good mood it helps. But when I’m bad like today or this week I’m numb to it, if that makes sense.

I don’t want to go back on the anxiety meds so I’m hoping with more time I feel better.

I hope maybe someone can relate or connect with me on here. I’d love to talk or find a friend. I don’t know what else to say and I’m sorry if I’m all over the place this is what I could sum up right now.

[gajh]

Hello and Welcome. I am so sorry for your losses. There is a lot of support available here.

[acoffeediva in reply to gajh]

Hello thank you so much. I appreciate that.

[gajh in reply to acoffeediva]

I have a couple of questions, if I may ask. Are you on antidepressants? Are you in therapy? I want you to know that I have made some really good friends here and their support has made and is making a huge difference in my life. I am happy to talk with you.

[acoffeediva in reply to gajh]

I’m on an antidepressant, Trintellex and a mood stabilizer . I am in therapy twice a week. It helps some weeks but then I go downhill the rest of the week depending on where my mood .

I was doing good for a while then after the holidays I went downhill very quickly.

Thank you again this is great to hear.

[gajh in reply to acoffeediva]

It is so nice to see you here talking to people. That is nice that you are in therapy twice a week. Sometimes a week can seem so long and so far away waiting for your next appointment.

[acoffeediva in reply to gajh]

I’m trying to reach out in any way I can to be honest. It’s nice hearing back from people on here.

That’s so true! A lot can happen day to day. I know especially for me. My moods change drastic with the mood disorder. I can be really good at times but then when I’m bad I’m really depressed.

Having my therapy sessions once a week definitely help. They can make the week go by better.

[gajh in reply to acoffeediva]

There are always people to talk to here whether you are having one of your really good times or your really depressed times. You don't have to go through it alone.

[acoffeediva in reply to gajh]

Thank you so much. Sorry for the delayed response

[GreenDinNE]

Welcome! I can relate to the back and forth / on again off again experiences with medication and anxiety. You are not alone in this battle and we are here to support you on your journey!

[acoffeediva in reply to GreenDinNE]

Thank you so much for responding. It means so much. I woke up again today super anxious. My little dog has been having stomach issues. She’s a shih tzu so it’s common but I’m new to it. I never had a dog before her so of course I’m anxious lol.

[acoffeediva in reply to GreenDinNE]

Hi Greendinne.

Thank you so much for the welcome.

Yes it’s been such a rollercoaster with the medication. On and off. What works. What doesn’t. It’s hard to know a baseline anymore. But I’m trying my best. Some days, weeks, or months are better or worse depending on different situations.

[Indiegal]

I'm sorry you had so many losses in such a short time. It's been 11 years since I lost my dad and I still feel the void. But it does get better over time. I've also been on Abilify and hated the side effects. I've gone the natural route now because I was so tired of all the ups and downs with prescription meds.

I'm in a similar boat not really having any real friends anymore. I have a fair amount of acquaintances but not really close friends I can talk to about stuff with or that I can count on. I have been joining some groups locally to meet people and it's been helping me feel better. While I know it will take time to really build friendships, it helps me to feel less lonely.

Do you have any interests you can look into groups locally? Or places you could volunteer to be around other people. I'm sure you can find all types of groups for things like hiking, bowling, book clubs, religious, political, knitting, crafting, etc. They may also help with some of your anxiety and depression symptoms. If you're on Facebook or Nextdoor I would start there. Meetup and your local library are also great resources to find local groups. It can be hard to put yourself out there to meet people, but I find groups are a good way to ease into finding new friends.

[acoffeediva in reply to Indiegal]

Hi Indiegal.

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

Yes abilify is dangerous because at first it is a gift. It took away my anxiety, my ptsd, my sleepless nights. But gave me intense fatigue, tiredness all the time. I gained 30 pounds within a year and was hungry all the time. Then whenever I did try to come off I was so depressed beyond belief I would have to go back on. I'm hoping I am kicking it for good now. I'm one month off of it. I am still struggling with my emotions but I think I need more time.

I think those are amazing ideas. My husband always asks me to go to church with him. I always say no lol. I grew up in a mixed faith household and my mom is Jewish so it seemed weird for me to go, but I do believe in god and he has taught me so much. He thinks it would really benefit me to go. I feel it would in a way too i'm just nervous to go or nervous to feel like a fraud if that makes sense.

Someone was just mentioning to me this week about getting out of my comfort zone. That while isolating and being at home kept me safe and healed me from all my traumas it may be hurting me now and keeping me more anxious. Now you saying this, I feel it to be true. I'm definitely going to look into it. I was very into instagram and youtube. I was trying to do it as a business and a way to meet people but now it's too saturated and I kind of gave up and my creative juices aren't really flowing anymore. But i do have hobbies and things I love.

Thank you again for the suggestions. I think that's why i came here i was searching for "community". Even this was pushing myself out of my comfort zone a little to connect and reach out. I always loved to write so I thought this could bridge the two.

[FightingTheDark]

I have both Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety. A lot of the members here emphasize with what you're going through. Depression takes a lot of one's energy and willingness to fight away. I have been fighting with my insurance company over meds so I feel much as you do at the moment. Much love and I hope it turns around soon for you.

[acoffeediva in reply to FightingTheDark]

Hi fighting the dark.

Thank you for not making me feel alone. It helps so much. IT really does. Some days I am just so tired wondering why! I'm so sorry you are going through that. The health system is so frustrating. I'm here if you ever want to talk about it. I hope you have a good day. It's friday. That's good right

[FightingTheDark in reply to acoffeediva]

Those of us who have this disease have all had our insurance issues. I was a COBRA administrator before I retired, and I often had to call insurance companies and try and get people reinstated whom had been termed. Now, I am fighting for my own coverage.

As to your situation at home, I see from your post you write very well. Try journaling or writing here. You relate the impact of depression in a way that's very relatable.

[acoffeediva in reply to FightingTheDark]

Yes you definitely are correct about that!

Oh wow, so you definitely know the ins and outs of the business. Good and bad. I hope that helps you in dealing with your insurance problems.

Thank you. That means a lot. I actually love to write. Some days when I’m sad I write random poems or sad stories. Or just journal. I appreciate your encouragement so much.

[Waterfun]

I’m sorry that you’re going through so much. I don’t know what it is like to lose a sister but I have lost friends and know what that feels like. Maybe you’re still grieving and would do well joining a grief support group in person. I know that most cities have them. I would like to be your friend. I also have depression but I am trying whatever I can to get through it. You don’t have to be alone.

[acoffeediva in reply to Waterfun]

Hi Waterfun,

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate it very much. That sounds like a great suggestion. I would like to be your friend too! So sorry for the delayed response I didn't see this notification in a while. How are you doing? How was your week since you last wrote?