Hi everyone! This is my first post here and I'm a bit nervous. For the past few months I have been feeling really weird. I feel like there's something wrong with me mentally but at the same time I feel like I'm being really over dramatic. I don't even really even know how to explain how I feel. I have recently been very overwhelmed with the thought of how useless I am. Last semester was my first semester of college and I did horrible. I feel like I'm throwing away my mother's money and time. The new semester started two weeks ago and I try really hard to motivate myself to do better but everything is just so hard for me to handle mentally. A few months ago my boyfriend wanted to break up with me because he just didn't feel happy in the relationship. In the end we fixed things and are still together but I get so paranoid that he is going to want to leave me again. He has reassured me several times that he is happy now and that I shouldnt worry but I think about it every day. Every time he seems uninterested in talking to me or something I instantly assume he is getting bored and that I'm not good enough. My boyfriend is basically my only friend. I have pushed everyone away in the past 5 years. It's really hard for me to make new friends. I feel like I don't connect with anyone and I feel like there's always something better than me. Why would anyone want to be friends with me when there is probably someone better. I'm really hard to get along with I guess. I don't really know. Also when ever people try to get to know me I just get really awkward and weird. It's really hard for me to talk to people. I'm scared to contact some of my friends I'm usually close with because I feel like their lives are so much better than mine and they are always doing important things or doing things with other people. All these thoughts constantly overwhelm me. I'm always worried and I feel like there's always something that has to go wrong in my life. There is never a time where I can just be happy. There is always something to worry about and it makes me feel nuts. My brain is consumed with so many thoughts and worries and I feel like it's just going to explode. I worry to the point where I just end up feeling apathetic. I don't even know if that makes sense. There have been a few times where I have thought about suicide. Sometimes I just really want to leave all these problems behind and the only way I can truly escape from everything including myself is if I die. I don't know what I'm feeling but I'm just so tired of crying and worrying. I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm going insane. Do you guys think there is something wrong with me? I have done a lot of research on disorders and I have tried really hard to not self diagnose myself. I have considered seeking professional help but I don't even know if there is truly something wrong with me. I don't want to go in and waste someone's time. All these "problems" I talked about can't even compare to things other people have faced. I know other people have dealt with much worse. Please let me know if you think I'm just dramatic or if you think there truly could be something wrong with me. I'm sorry if I offended anyone in any way and I'm sorry this post is very long. Thanks guys.
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