Facing this new configuration of my life, I am obligated to walk over and in the shards of what used to be the wholeness of my former life.
I've lost everything that I thought I could not afford to live or exist in the world. I have to promote this new me, I have to find ways to get myself aware of my truth, no mirrors to hide under the lies that won't help me.
I am sadder than I have ever thought I could be, angrier than my emotions can create on their own.
my foundation has been blasted from underneath my feet, I am not off-balance, I am falling down and into a chasm no less!
I know that death is the constant companion of life, it has a symbiotic existence, maybe like the leaves that fall from the trees, we simply make way for new growth of life to have space. However, the emotions that are attached to the process are felt in ways that have resonance. Unlike the leaves I've seen on the ground, it appears that we as sentient life forms are acutely aware of the losses that take place.
I was asked by a close relative recently, (before the recent death of my wife) if I would come with him to meet another woman who is interested in me. I turned him down rather vigorously!
He asked me if I was OK, I told him no, I have a negative mental health condition. This scared the hell out of him! He thought I was telling him that I was dangerously insane! As usual, he went where most people go when they even hear the words, "mental condition".
PTSD, Severe depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder. I hate the word "disorder", it has a life of its own in the minds of outsiders who don't think they too can have a mental health illness or injury.
Maybe that's what the intolerance and stigmas are about, their fear of that possibility.
I'm not finished with this.
But I wonder if anyone else has any thoughts about this subject?
Written by
4merBassistMedic
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Yes I do have thoughts , or well, feelings about what you talked about. Your words grip me, as I have had to deal with the loss of everything I once felt like I knew and understood life to be. I can't seem to find my way beyond it, but yours sounds very fresh. I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife❤. You have multiple wounds but what about starting with grief counseling. It might help the overwhelm of all those things inside to just focus on the huge, but singular task of grieving this deep loss. Like maybe one thing at a time, and grief is necessary, but intensely painful, and if you can find a good therapist you could have one foot in the right direction.
I am waiting to see my therapist now, and as far as grief counseling goes, I have no idea when that will even be offered . It's a shame that mental health is a back-burner issue for insurance companies.
I was just thinking about you and wondered how you are holding up. Im feeling pretty defeated lately, like i cant seem to do anything to change whats been going on for too long.Did you ever get with therapist?
i don't want to do this, but my choices are to do it or cease to exist. I'm thinking about this, with vigor. I'm not suicidal, but I do have a death wish.
Talk to me. What do you need? What do you think might help you through this? I do understand, and have that same death wish. I just cancelled this weeks therapy appt, as I was feeling much too defeated about trying. I just watched all the simple things in life that o was unable to get done, and trying became equated with proof of failure and feeling 'done with the whole thing in life'. Sometimes i just cant.. for awhile. Cant anything... so for now, im just doing whatever to get through days. Whatever doesnt convince me that its pointless to keep going. Be it distracting, feels soothing, or is actually beneficial, im just here, not pushing myself to things i dont see possible tight now. Wherever that leads, so be it.
Just a question: how do feel about trigger warnings? Wondering why -personally- people add these, and how one decides when and what kinds of information you think they should be added to? I say this because i know you were a former first responder, no? (..and because Im trying to distract you for a few..😊)
It almost seems that outsiders think that I'm being silly to share any of this with strangers. But my experiences with my family who "care" so much, is that they want one of two things: Me to forget the illness I'm living with.
Or, for me to just kind of fade into the background and leave them away from ever having to deal with me and the illness. It's a strange brew of BS at times.
I'm doing what comes to mind, but admittedly, I'm not doing all that well right now, I'm just going to keep living into this new life I'm stuck with, until some of this pain is not so strong. Thanks, for looking in on me, it helps.
Yes, I understand all of your points, having felt this way myself. And I'm just relying on what I can at this time, like you, to get through. Its all I can do too right now. Let's just be with that. 🙏
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Whats happening really!!
Am I a monster? What am I? 
I know there is something wrong with me, I just don’t know what it is. 
Something is wrong but I don't know what?
Totaly lost without her
