Am I a monster? What am I? : Hi, I just... - Above & Beyond

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Am I a monster? What am I?

Asuka44 profile image

Hi, I just created an account because I need to talk to somebody, really I think anyone could do as long as it’s a stranger. I think that most of you can understand (well I hope at least). You don’t even have to read it I just needed to write it somewhere. I’m 16 and I never felt like I belonged here. I just can’t seem to be able to think like other people. I just don’t understand most things, I wonder about stupids things like why is a fork called a fork and after that I think about the meaning of life. I live more in my head than in reality, it just always felt more like home to me. Because of all my weirdness I have trouble communicating with others. I think that I am scared of other people because there aren’t predictable, I don’t know what they think, how they will react to what I’d say and that scares me. Is that normal? I mean I guess not but whatever. Since 2 or 3 years I have been trying real hard to act like other people but I’m just getting tired and I don’t see the point of living anymore because I don’t fit anywhere. I always hated everything (myself included) since I can remember. I now see myself as a monster, I must be some sort of psychopath. My mother might have a cancer (not really deadly) it would be located in the mouth and the first thing I did and though after looking for the symptoms of it (problems to speak and stuff like that) is smiling and telling myself that I finally won’t have to support her annoying me every day now. Who thinks like that?!? She ain’t even a real bad person but yet here I am hoping she gets a cancer and maybe hoping she dies? I never felt sad about death, not in the real life, but I can cry when it’s a fictional character. I know I am crazy but I don’t even feel so bad about it. That is what makes me feel bad. So my question is, what am I? And does someone like me gets to live? What I am supposed to do with my life? Thanks and sorry for those who wasted their times reading.

43 Replies

Hi Asuka44

So sorry you are feeling this way there's nothing worse than feeling like this but you need professional help my friend having this requires medication and councilling

I hope others can also offer you some sort of help and advice


Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Natzsteveo

Thank you Nat for your reply but I cannot see any professional help right now without my parents knowing and i’d rather keep it for myself at least for now. I appreciate that you took some of your time for me. Take care

Some of your feelings may be generated by being an introvert; a person who is considered shy and feels uncomfortable interacting with others. Look up the definition. When you learn there are others who share some of your feelings, you may feel better about yourself. Be sure to follow up on Natzsteveo's advice about getting professional help about your impulses.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to jaykay777

Thank you jaykay777 I do think that I am an introvert and I’ll make sure to see professional help as soon as I can

Hi Asuka,

I agree that seeing a therapist is the way to go! A professional can help you really figure out what's going on.

That said, I'd like to point out that psychopaths/sociopaths/character disturbed indivicuals generally do NOT concern themselves with whether or not they are psychopaths. They could care less. They are most concerned with getting what they want and how to get it. They do not question whether or not they are bad, nor feel an ounce of guilt or shame about whether or not they are "bad". So I am very doubtful that you have that kind of character impairment.

At 16, I think it's pretty common that a kid would have thoughts like that about a parent. Parents are very annoying to 16 year olds! At 16 I'm quite certain I had thoughts like that (it's been a long time, hard to remember:)) So if a startling, negative thought like that crosses your mind again, just let it pass and understand how common it is to have thoughts like that.

So what are you? That's your journey and trust me at 16 you're not supposed to know. But I think you are probably a very normal 16 year old kid who is doing a lot of overthinking. Anxious people tend to do that, so perhaps there is a strong anxiety component here.

Do see a professional to talk all this out. Let your parents know it is important to you and push until you get the help. Therapy can be amazing in helping us figure ourselves out and getting to a place where we can feel calm, peace and joy again.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Calm_mama

Thank you so much Calm_mama I kinda feel relieved that I’m (probably) not some psychopath or something and you made me feel more normal. I might talk to my parents about seeing professional help but I don’t feel ready for now. Thanks again for replying it certainly helped. I think I will try meditation until I feel ready to talk about professional help to my family.

Calm_mama profile image
Calm_mama in reply to Asuka44

I also wanted to add this link to a video- it's a TedTalk, called "The power of introverts":

I loved this TedTalk. One of my daughters (age 14) is a bit of an introvert. I have some other friends/loved ones who lean that way as well. BTW they are fabulous people, just more comfortable on their own much of the time :)

Asuka44 I am sorry to read about your troubles, but you sound completely normal to me, it sounds like you have a bit of social anxiety, and putting pressure on yourself to fit in may make this worse. Try to be yourself and find your tribe as it were.

I believe most people have some form of social anxiety or awkwardness but overthinking is the worst thing to do. You are not your thoughts and just because you think something it doesn't make it true. People have wierd and wonderful imaginations and having random thoughts is a part of this.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, focus on the parts of your character you like and try to develope those, are you generally kind, honest, helpful, loyal trustworthy? Your worth is measured by what you think of yourself, not how others see you. Im sure it will all fall into place for you.

Learn to laugh a little, if you have nothing else to give a person offer them a smile. And dont take the opinions of others to seriously, they are after all only opinions.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to IamLikeu123

Thank you, really, I will follow your advice and I’ll try to stop overthinking everything. Thank you for your reply it means a lot

Your not a monster, and in this world we all feel like strangers and do not fit in. At times like this we put out our frustrations on our parents , if you love living in your head as a way to escape world problems try reading a novel or doing something that makes u laugh. I do that

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to 5BABBY

I do that as well, thank you for your reply 5BABBY

Hello Asuka44 my name is carlos i am also 16 I don't have any help because we seem to be having the same problem i to think about needless things and constantly try very hard to act like a normal person and don't do to well. i feel unmotivated about anything yet at the same time feel like i could do anything i want because i am capable i constantly wonder what the meaning of life is and often think it would be easier not to live, not because of sadness but because of boredom i love the way i am but often time feel like it would be a lot easier to be like most people(sheep), I have never really cared for anyone(family included and never feel guilt), i do not appear as rude person because i don't fail to consider people's feeling it took me awhile to understand psychology well enough to use it to my advantage or disadvantage more often then not(procrastination). For the longest time i thought i was i sociopath but i went i went to a psychiatrist they said i have emotions and can process them were as sociopaths don't so it kinda made me feel worse because now im just a normal person with very bad thoughts or to the eyes of normal people cunning thoughts anyways i got diagnosed with ADD and will soon be examined for what type of anxiety. I wounder if there's a partial emotion loss mental problem because i dont feel Guilt and lack the ability to truly connect with people unless there like me. Anyways ur not alone lol #socio gang also do you also have a disconnection of fear and death because i feel like everyone i know could die and i would be affected mentally and i do have a loving mother and sister. lastly you really remind me of my closest friend do to the fact that he's the closest i could find to someone like me your not chase right if this is you are omg that would be hilarious.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Carlleon

Hi Carlos, I feel like I just met my twin, I feel exactly the same way as you do. It’s good to know i’m not alone. I also think sometimes it’s pointless to live in world so boring. I also feel like everyone I know could die but I wouldn’t be really affected? I often imagine how they would die and I sometimes do it while they’re in front of me which is kinda ironic. I’m glad to know you have a friend like you (with isn’t me since I’m a girl), I don’t have that chance but knowing I’m not alone is comforting enough. It’s really weird but great to read your reply because I feel like I’m the one who wrote it, I also consider feel like I rather be like those sheep but if I had the choice I don’t think I’d choose to be one caus even if I don’t give a damn about death (mine or other people’s, well except for some cases like people like us) I believe we’re better than most humans because we think you know? We don’t just live without wondering about anything, I don’t know you but I appreciate and see small details that most wouldn’t even think about. That’s one of the few reasons I live for. Maybe it sounds weird but it’s like I can “feel” things around me, I really see them not just look without realizing i’m looking at it. Anyway I got a bit off subject, thanks for your reply and take care mate good to know I ain’t alone.

Huh that's good to know I appreciate your reply aswell lol, sorry I have no advice and all I can offer is letting ya know your not alone. I'm wondering whether or not we have similar interests and finding out if it's common with people like us so I'll name what I like and you can answer with yours if you like so ya. I like anime a lot it is one of the things that I haven't got bored from in the 3 years that I've been interested in it It make's me feel like I've escaped this boring universe for the little time it takes me to finish them, they always leave feeling sad because of how stupid this universe is. Another interest of mine is video games but I can never stick to a game for to long unless they come up with new mechanics. My last interest is science I find it very fascinating on what the future is gonna look like which is one of my only motivations I watch Tedx videos constatly if I'm not gaming or watching anime if you like futuristic fantasy then definitely look into it, it's like there many future TV shows are converging at one point for instance space travel is becoming far cheaper becuase of Elon musk, AI is advance at an alarming rate, genetic modification is becoming more accepted and cheaper more and more, there are multiple facilities working on age reduction there are robots that can open door and artificial eyes for people that were previously blind so ya I feel like things might get better and sooner then you think so I try my hardest to be optimistic anyways I went on a tangent lol that's about it font have much other interests.

- Carlos

Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Carlleon

Ment extention

Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Carlleon

Age extension

I also like animes and video games a lot, actually that’s pretty much all I do of my free time. I can watch one for 5 time and I’d still enjoy it like I’d watch it for the first time. I like fantasy, medieval and futuristic robot-like anime, movie or book. I also enjoy reading novels, mangas and sometimes book if they’re really good. I’ll go for Tedx videos when i’ll have some time. I like video games like MMORPG specially because we are all equals (except for cheaters or rich people that spend all their money in the game) there ain’t natural difference like men being stronger than women. I can be strong as much as anyone, it’s more fair than the real world ya know. I also like games with choices where I can choose to be myself without any real consequences even if I still take so long to choose because it still stresses me. I like animes and series with heroes but I prefer antiheroes, some might say it’s for kids but I don’t care I like it and I love their angst, dark past and all. Anyway I’m also interested in health, medicine you know and also science. Sometimes I start to write my own fictions but I never finish them. I hope that we’ll get to see the future with artificial eyes and AI maybe cybernetic prothesis and an actual virtual reality like in the anime Sword art online. I'm not as optimistic as you thought, i’m afraid that we were born just a bit too soon but don’t give up maybe i’m wrong, I always prefer to expect the worse so I can’t be disappointed. Well that was for my interests too bad we couldn’t have met in real life i’m sure we would have get along!

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Asuka44

I also like pirates and everything that happens on the sea but in the past with sailboat. I really like crime fictions, most of police novels but specially Sherlock Holmes and stuff like that. I’d like to know what your living for, ya don’t have to say if you don’t want to but I think it could be interesting.

Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Asuka44

Omg dude we like the exact things I love anti heros I offen imagine what I would do if I got a very overpowered abilities that's why I love vampires and not the twilight type the awesome type like in hellsing ultimate or castlevania and I'd definitely be an anti hero/ Villain kind like loki I like rpg games as well and very much so I'm currently grinding on ark survival evolved lol dont worry I'm PC master race but have an xbox one wow its confirmed and this is with my other friend that is also almost like us aswell people like us like Video games, anime, and like being anti heroes specifically love being a villain as well but not the stupid type the overpowered intelligent type that has mercy but won't be disrespected in any way kinda like the character death one of the four horsemen from supernatural or like the main character from overlord wow that's so cool that me you and my friend all are so similar huh weird this cant be a mere coincidence it must mean we all have the same type of mental problem(in the view or normies) or advantage

Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Carlleon

I like pirates aswell I actually used to play sea of thieves but stopped since nun of my friends play it anymore

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Carlleon

I was writing when you posted lol, great to know we have the same interests

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Carlleon

Yeah I guess! I love Loki as well! I won’t say anything in case u haven’t seen Avengers 3 so I’ll just say I hope we can see him fake die and manipulate others again. I was thinking of watching castlevania the other day so again we must like the same stuff. If you saw SAO though I love Kayaba, he’s definitely one or if not my favorited vilain because I see me in him. I prefer demons or beast over vampires but I sure do enjoy a cool vampire that ain’t there just for the other girls to fangirl on him. You might get mad if I tell ya I’m a PS4 kinda gamer PC ain’t my thing except if I can play with a remote. Well I might like it if I’d really try playing on it but I prefer consoles sorry ;). But I agree you, your friend and I must have the same “mental problem”, it’s great! Or not depends of the point of view I guess!

Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Asuka44

1 I have seen infinity war 2 I am a master anime watcher or I'd you know the term otaku so yes I watched SAO and every main stream anime to the newest episode and so bunch of non main steam anime. I also love demons as much as vampires but I love the immortality aspect of vampires where demons live long but not forever and sometimes aren't as powerful. I just recently got a gaming computer and love it especially cuz I can use my xbox remote in most games with windows 10 and I am more of a console gamer myself it's just there more games on PC so ya.

Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Carlleon


Carlleon profile image
Carlleon in reply to Carlleon

Ugh sorry for all the typos was kinda in s rush

Sometimes we have really disturbing thoughts. I found help at or 1-800-New-Life. These guys are great and can help you. Yes, its a Christian counseling site but they don't just look at the spiritual side they actually have phychaitrist that look at brain chemistry and help you as a whole person. Hope you will check them out.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Cassie2178

Maybe I will thanks Cassie2178

I feel the same. I am an introvert and I find it very difficult to communicate with others as I am worried about what they will think of me. I barely have any friends and I’m not social because I feel safer and comfortable in my own mind. I’m constantly thinking about things, curiosity is my main aspect of thoughts. I’m constantly thinking about how things work or why things are the way they are. Whenever I start talking about these types of things, I’m always seen as being weird or odd. I’ve never been one to fit into a crowd, but I’m finding it more difficult to go out and socialise now I’m getting older. In regards to your impulses, I don’t share this, but I really hope you can learn to control them, so you’re happy: but everyone has negative thoughts..... some we regret. It doesn’t make you a bad person (I don’t think so anyway).

Thanks for sharing, always good to know I ain’t alone and you aren’t either.

Hey, Asuka44.

I used to be exactly the same but my advice to you is just to fake it till you make it! Find friends that don’t care about your faults but are aware of them. Make sure you feel comfortable telling them about anything. Then, once you have that reassurance, just keep on telling yourself it will be ok and try to be confident around other people. You will soon get used to this. Xx

Thanks for your advice I still wish I wouldn’t have to fake who I am but I guess that’s what we’re supposed to do. Finding good friends is more easier said than done but i’m still hoping that one day I’ll find them.

My throat is suck on some sort of thing and i hate it when i talk i even sound DEEEPP and also i smash my toes into a table every single day also my dogs smell bad which makes me sad and i vomit on my self for writing an long thing.

It will all be ok

I'm kinda rhw same, u ainr alone

I don’t get holidays too, probably because I never understood the importance of family too. I just don’t, I mean it’s not because we have the same blood and that parents gave us life that they have any rights on us and that we should forgive them everything right? I think I never felt love for anyone close to me but I can be over loyal to a stranger like another gamer I just met depending of the person. Anybody feels like that?

Hi I actually kinda experiencing what you are experiencing so I know how you feel not able to get help without your parents knowing it was hard for me and still is and I hope you find joy in life.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Titain

Thanks for your reply, I hope you find joy in life too. I was able to find objectives in life, realizable little dreams I guess. 1. Going to London (no matter how long it takes I will) and 2. Having a dog, so that’s my advice to anyone not wanting to live but not wanting to die right now, find goals and remember you’re not alone (you have yourself and i’m sure someone can understand you) I guess, just live if you can, at least live long enough to do some stuff ya know. Good luck everyone and please keep going if you can.

Hi what you have to do is find somewhere that you want to go and try to make a life somehow I can't to old now and ill and I have low self esteem me don't go out cos of what other people say to me doing my head in I stay in place lock doors and lye in bed so down you are just young try and get some help from doctors might help ok

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to Mony1234

Thank you Mony, just the fact that you are kind enough to reply to me means that you are a great person, i hope you trust yourself more and thank you. I feel much better than I used to, 9 months ago, about this topic but of course i now have new issues and i want to thank you for worrying, I will follow your advice and try to make a life somehow and go where i want to. I hope you will get better too

You don't need to apologize. A lot of what you said really surprised me because we think the same things that no one else does. (Ex:cars. Isn't it wierd we get in metal boxes and roll around?) (Why don't animals make years like people do?) (Why is a pickle called a pickle instead of a shark and vice versa). I used to feel bad about being different but now I've come to enjoy it. I'm memorable, and it's obvious that I'm not scary abnormal, so I'm ok with being harmlessly odd and so are the people I consider ACTUAL friends.

Asuka44 profile image
Asuka44 in reply to 1947treble

I’m glad you understand me and even more glad that you found actual friends, i did myself found one even though i still hold back in front of anyone her included, its still something. Maybe being “different” isn't that much of a bad thing after all.. Thanks for your reply it means a lot

You’re not a monster! You’re a sick person. Your mind plays tricks on you but that does not make you a bad person. The first thing you need to do is to start to love yourself. You can do it!

You're not a monster. Monsters don't ask if they are monsters. They don't care. Check out the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. It can help you find your type and see that you might be a rare type, which is cool! Please seek out a therapist asap. You're not broken or messed up or anything of the sort. You're probably depressed and anxious. Have you considered you might be on the autism spectrum? That is not a bad thing, either! Check out Temple Grandin on youtube if you can.

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