I'm underwater.

[4merBassistMedic]

I lost my wife recently, less than two weeks ago, and my emotions are crushed underneath the weight of the grief.

I admit that I'd rather be dead right now, but I don't want to harm myself.

I just want to be able to breathe a little bit, to break down and cry without having to paint on a face that says "I'm OK, it'll just take me a while to become better!" because that's not what's happening inside me right now! right now, I'm falling apart, I'm busted, not just fractured!

I have had the best part of who I've become taken away from me.

How do I want to even open my eyes tomorrow, assuming I can get to sleep tonight?

[BrainIsFull]

Hey. What you are in the middle of right now is incredibly painful. I know that it seems unbearable but in my experience, giving myself permission to FEEL is a good start. Bracing myself against the pain makes it worse.

Numbing it with maladaptive coping mechanisms helps me but makes it worse in the long run. Eventually I crash. Reaching out here is a VERY good step and a sign that part of you is fighting for survival.

So I would suggest trying to let yourself feel. And know that none of this healing is linear. It's jerky, messy and confusing. We keep trying and eventually we find some things that help. And we build from that.

It may help you to try to bring your focus back to the exact moment that you are in RIGHT NOW and remind yourself that all you need to do is get through this moment. Looking at the future from an overwhelmed state usually makes me way more overwhelmed.

I'm sending you strength and comfort.💚💚💚

[4merBassistMedic in reply to BrainIsFull]

Thank you, for saying this to me. My focus is off center, it is off point.

I will try to keep on track, but this is truly more difficult for me than almost anything I can recall in my life! It's going to take a type of energy I'm not sure I have, but know I've got to find to accomplish all that i must.

[BrainIsFull in reply to 4merBassistMedic]

As you know, we are often stronger than we think.

I wish for you strength and comfort 💚

You can reach out in this forum. It doesn't replace other relationships but it can be helpful. Sometimes it is simply helpful to me to have written it all down.