I don't want to exist: The sun is shining and... - Above & Beyond

Above & Beyond

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I don't want to exist


The sun is shining and I can hear people chatting and laughing while I sit in my room wanting something to take me away from this life.

I hate my life. I probably shouldn't but I do. Today I have lost two more 'friends'. One of them is a new acquaintance. Texted her twice asking if she fancied doing something over the weekend but heard nothing back. Another a friend I have known for longer. I visited her a lot when she was off work on long term absence. In fact I drove her to hospital when she had a fall (she lives alone) I have sent her a few friendly messages over lady couple of weeks but heard nothing back.

Everyone dumps me in the end. My husband is just on his computer all the time. He says he cares but he doesn't really.

I wish I didn't exist.

Everyone gets sick of me and I have no one. No family no friends nothing

12 Replies

Hi Holly,

It sounds like you are a really good friend and have been there for people when they have had some low points. Do you ever confide in those people so they can return the favour? If your friends and husband knew how undervalued you feel they might respond more proactively. It is super important to remember that other people might not be as thoughtful as you and might not realising the impact they have by not responding. Remember you are a fantastic person who has a lot to gain and offer the world and the people in it that deserve your attention, today may have been a bad day but tomorrow might be a little better.

Holly- in reply to Dan126

Thanks Dan - I am going out for a walk with my husband in a bit.

Still heard nothing from my old friend. I have told her that her silence has upset me - still no response.

I am trying really hard but everything is a struggle. Today I will fight the inertia but it only takes one thing to put me back where I was.

Dan126 in reply to Holly-

A walk is good idea! If you can (and believe me I know it’s difficult) try not to allow anything that you cannot control bring you down. Enjoy your walk and remember there is always someone there to listen when you need to talk.

No change...I am back in my room. Managed two days away but now I am home and all same problems are there. My friend got in touch to say she wanted some 'peace and quiet' so that's the end of that.

My new job is a complete nightmare and I can't seem to sort any of it out.

The sun is shining but I am back hiding in my room feeling as lost as ever.


Dan126 in reply to Holly-

Hi Holly,

How have you been? When you say two days away do you mean keeping out of your room or have you been away?

Starting a new job is such a big change to someone’s life and it can be a lonely experience but that doesn’t always last, have you met anyone in your new job your glad you have met?

Keep well and keep an eye for those good things and hold on to them!

kellypmsw in reply to Holly-

I hear you - I constantly feel and have felt like I give and give and give and do not get the same back in friendships ...so then I either end them consciously or they dissipate over time, both of which make me feel sad and isolated . It’s a tough balance and my husband is always telling me to “stop giving so much” to people but the end result is I feel that I don’t have many friendships now :(

I understand exactly how you feel. I would do anything for anyone. I don't understand where everything went wrong. I took 5 yrs from dating to raise my son in a stable home and now that he's a young teen I wish to start dating again but can't find the right person. Not that I date at all but completely understand feeling alone. It's worse having a partner who doesn't understand or care enough to put in effort. Life's to short and love is priceless. I desire to find someone call my princess and bring a coffee in bed to each morning. Try and stay positive, which I know is never easy. We all deserve a break from this chaos at some point, don't we?

I hope these things can be overcome but like yourself, I feel totally lost in this world of shit.

Hi everyone, a month on from that post and some things have changed but my feelings about myself haven't.

I had probably the worst meeting ever with a colleague who lied about me. I tried to defend myself but it was absolutely soul destroying. My boss after the meeting seemed to believe me when I told him this person had lied. Two weeks passed and the colleague apologised to me. I accepted the apology but now feel really wary of them. Will be careful not to be in this situation again.

I have not heard from my friend who it seems has decided to stop communicating with me. No idea what I did or didn't do but will have to accept that it is over.

Trying to get some enjoyment from my job and make time for me to do something I enjoy each day. Watching a TV programme, reading a book, walking...trying not to retreat to my room whenever I can't cope.

I want to try to reconnect with my sister. She I think also suffers with depression (we had the same crappy childhood) I would like to be able to rebuild that relationship but it needs to be done carefully as she has really hurt me in the past.

Exhausted today after down day yesterday. One month on I still feel that depression has the upper hand but I am learning what it means to look after yourself a little more.

I feel your pain. I can become completely obsessed about what I think others think of me and even when my worrying proves to be all in my head (which is almost always the case) I only get temporary relief before I get all over sensitive about something else and the whole cycle starts again. It has meant that I’ve been a people pleaser all my life and my self worth seems to be linked to what I think others think of me at any given time. It’s exhausting and demoralising. I have a low opinion of myself despite the positive things I do and I wish I could care less about what others think or better still get a realistic perspective on it rather than the negative narrative in my head! You’re not alone!

What helped me a lot is reading a self-esteem book. I could recommend you one. Dr. GLENN R.SCHIRALDI, THE SELF-ESTEEM MANUAL. I know this sounds simple, but complex problems come with simple solutions.

Also I respond this to you based on how I saw that you think. You think that others are more important than you. That is wrong. You are really important just because you are living. Just because you are, you are really important. If not for anybody, for you.

The truth is, everybody is important. However the crappy television doesn't support that statement; you are only important if you do have lots of money, cars, houses, fame and other stuff that the media advertises. And social media may be a factor of your self-esteem issue too if you do have facebook, snapchat, instagram. I only have instagram for sharing my art and seeing another one's. I don't watch television because I don't want anybody to dictate me what I should or should not be, or how important should I feel.

Understanding this is might be hard. Four months ago I was destroyed🤕. I did not feel like doing anything and I did not know what to do with my life😣. I still have one friend from the country I come from because now I live in Spain and shit is though when you have to make a change. And I sometimes feel bad because I don't do stuff. Like going for a run or just not getting angry at my mother because🙄 she is too over-caring. But I improved a lot. And I go to the church because it helps me feel relieved. Seventh Day Adventist.

I hope this helps you. Have a beautiful day.😍😍🤗🤗

I'm divorced not fun, been divorced for about 16 years and I have 2 adult kids and grandkids no parents no brothers or sisters. Just try to be happy because the other side of the coin sucks.

I wish people would appreciate you. You sound like an amazing person and people take advantage of that. I hope that one day someone see you for who you really are and that don't let go of you because they couldn't imagine their life without you. I think everyone deserves that, but especially the good people like you.

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