I Want To Be Me Again!

[MadalynCarson]

Hello! I used to be somewhat happy & ‘normal’. As ‘normal’ as I could be with PTSD, depression, SAD & severe anxiety. I used to look forward to everyday things, my daughter, my husband, my sister, my precious dogs, cleaning house, taking care of my family, people, shopping, cookouts, family get togethers, outdoors, working in my yard, happiness, joy, laughter & to LIFE! Sadly now I care about nothing!

[kenster1 Moderator]

hi I am very sorry to hear of your situation I really do hope it improves.can you pinpoint anything in your life even from years ago that may have triggered this episode.

[MadalynCarson in reply to kenster1]

Hello kenster1, thank you for replying. I’ve had PTSD & depression since I was 12 yrs old. I was not properly diagnosed with PTSD until about 7 yrs ago. My baby sister, whom I raised till she was 8 yrs old, was murdered in 2012. That was probably the start of my spiral. But with the support of my wonderful husband, I handled my illnesses ok. But suddenly & very unexpectedly, my husband died on March 24, 2014. That is when I stopped caring about myself, anyone else & life.

[kenster1 Moderator in reply to MadalynCarson]

gosh sorry to hear that that's two awful losses do you ever talk about it with a therapist.how is your sister and daughter for talking to about how you feel.they could be the key and support you need into getting back into a routine and enjoy things in life again.dogs sure do help me my dog has got me through some terrible times over the last decade.

[MadalynCarson in reply to kenster1]

kenster1, thank you. Your very kind. I do not have a therapist, as they are all too far away/cash flow is the problem. As far as talking, my sister is one who was murdered & my daughter is handicapped. She has had 12 surgeries on her brain, has mild Cerebral Palsy & a seizure disorder. She’s 32 yrs old but mentally she’s only between 12 to 14 yrs old. I had 3 Dachshunds but they died in a fire almost 2 yrs ago. I now live in an apartment where I cannot have pets. I miss my fur-babies too...

[ali_zarein in reply to MadalynCarson]

Hi,

I am so sorry for the things that happened to you. I myself have alot of mental problem, at least i think by myself that it is like this, but now i dont want to talk about my own problems, i just wanted to mention this at the beginning to ensure you that i am not a perfect and complete guy who is going advise you and shiw you a better life or way of living or atitude etc. Yep as i said i have alot from that but exactly now that i was writing the first part, sth came to my mind, WE ARE ALL THE SAME, if the event of 2012 made you this, there is no guarantee that if the same has happened to me in the same time i would have made it even until now! But also there is no guarantee that i would have forgotten it within a month. You are made from the same thing that your husband was made, so, you are the same if he could give energy to you, you can do the same for your own, if you are waiting for some one to come and survive you, just remember you are not different from him or her. But of course having some one to fight for in this lonely live that is in the world of all, or sth to fight for, will make things different. some are fighting for their childs, some fir their god etc. When i read yours, i have forgotten mines somehow. Sorry if i wrote alot. I am always like this😬😁. Hope the best for you and your family ( anyone who loves you or you love them) and hopefully you will find yourself back, because you seeked it and when you seek for sth and do your hard work, you finally find it in your pocket or if not, you will find sth better than what you wanted, hope, hope, hope. One more thing, if you have any other social media please inform me that we can contact more there.I myself has a facebook account by name of Ali Zarei. Sorry if i got your time. Hope to be useful.

Lol

Ali

[MadalynCarson in reply to ali_zarein]

ali_zarein, thank you for you kind words...

[ali_zarein in reply to MadalynCarson]

Yourwelcome, but i really wanted to mentiin sth, you are tough, i am sure you really are, and this is so much that i am shaming on my own from you, as a man shame on me...

Thanks for reading my reply..

Love you...

And i dont know to hope better life for myself your you whi has already make it...

Lol really,

Ali

[lovetodance2018]

I am so sorry for your struggles and your losses. It is so hard to lose a love one and losing one at a young age is very detrimental. Have you ever been to counseling for your PTSD? I can't imagine what you are feeling. Depression is an illness that stems from pain we haven't dealt with in life. In order to feel better and learn to enjoy life, you have to heal from your losses. This is done through talking with a professional and going through the grieving process. You can't do this on your own. You need support and help. I am glad you reached out here at this community. We all understand how hard things can get and the difficulties of coping. Here is a podcast bit.ly/2VOl3a4 that I think will be helpful for coping with losses. Also, I do recommend if you are not in counseling to please start. There are also grief support groups through churches. They understand you pain and wanting to give up and can share with you inspiration how to get passed the loss. Know you are not alone, we are here and care. Please continue sharing we want to know how you are doing. I will keep in my prayers. I know God can give you the strength, comfort, love, and peace you need. Hugs and Blessings.

[MadalynCarson in reply to lovetodance2018]

lovetodance2018, thank you so much for all your kind words & the podcast info. I am 54 yrs old & been dealing with all of this since I was 12. Let me tell you 1st, I feel no pity for myself, nor feel sorry for myself in anyway. My bipolar disorder was inherited, so I came to terms quite a while ago that it’s not my fault. I’ve been on every med/med combo over the last 34 years & nothing seems to work. My shrink is at a total loss on what to do med wise for me. She’s to the point that she says I just need to change my ‘attitude’! Well she doesn’t have bipolar, PTSD or anxiety, so that’s so easy for her to say. I live in an extremely small town & she is the closest shrink to me, 1 hour away. I am on a very fixed income & it’s difficult for me to even get there once a month. As for support groups, there aren’t any around my town. I’ve looked for a while now. They have groups for lots of different things, but none for my issues. Thank you for all the things you’ve said/suggested, your very kind & I don’t feel so alone anymore. I am going to speak to my shrink about that ECT or ETC therapy, the one where they shock you multiple times into a seizure to reset your brain? I’ve read up on it & I think I would like to try? What do I have to lose? I am an expert on seizures. I have a 32 yr old disabled daughter with mild CP who also has Epilepsy, among other issues. She has had seizures since she was 14 yrs old. So I know a lot about them. I’m hoping my insurance will cover it & I can get it done. Thank you again & bless you...

[lovetodance2018 in reply to MadalynCarson]

I appreciate you sharing with me about how you are doing. I am sorry you don't have the resources to join support groups. Here is a podcast that you might find encouraging. bit.ly/2u3njhQ

Also, I am learning about how to reprogram my thoughts and mind. This is done through revising my beliefs about myself. For example if I say I am not worthy to myself, or I don't matter - I change those words to saying I am worthy and I do matter. I am learning too about EFT - Emotional Freedom Training. bit.ly/2Hi1dko

I have tried this technique with repeating my revised beliefs about myself and it really helps. Here is a youtube video to show you the technique. bit.ly/1QEc4DZ

I will continue to praying for you. Contact me anytime if you want to chat. Hugs!

[MadalynCarson in reply to lovetodance2018]

lovetodance2018, thank you so much for the links! I appreciate them so much more than you know. I am so glad the things you’ve tried have worked for you! Thank you for sharing with me as well. I will def check out the EFT link. HUGS back to you! You’ve made me feel very welcome...

[Natsteveo]

Hi @madalyncarson

My heart does go out to you hugely you have been through so much in your years and you are still being strong.. having ptsd and anxiety is a battle on its own but to go through your losses as well wow it must of been devastating to lose your little sister at such a young age to such a awful tragedy there are no words to describe what you must of gone through and still continue to go through even now and then to lose your loving husband too I wish I could give you a huge “hug”... I’m like you was diagnosed with severe ptsd a few years ago after suffering with bad health anxiety depression and GAD for almost 20 years they didn’t know what it was until a few year ago not that it makes any difference to what you go through I suppose it just puts a name to it doesn’t it..we are all here if you need a chat

Nat xx

[MadalynCarson in reply to Natsteveo]

Thank you Nat for your very kind words! I know what I’ve gone through/continue to go through is not any worse than anyone else’s disorders. I’ve just felt alone because I’ve not been friends with or around anyone who has suffered as severe as I seem to. I’m either calm, handle things ok or cry all the time & have suicidal thoughts. I’ve attempted before, but realized after several attempts that it’s just not might time. Also, how absolutely selfish I was being! At this time, in March, it’s a bad time for me. The 24th will be 5 yrs that I lost my husband. I am still having a very hard time with it.

Oh my, I just go on & on. My ADHD! Please, if you would like to chat, I am here as well. Thank you again. I appreciate your kindness...

[Natsteveo in reply to MadalynCarson]

March is a bad for me too 25th will be 12 years I’ve lost my mum and it still feels like yesterday....I think in my experience that every anniversary of my mum was pure pain as I would go through the pain all over again the loss the hurt the dread all of it what I felt that devastating day I experience it every anniversary I’ve tried everything to console myself but no joy then I saw on the internet “name a star” you can buy a star in the sky and name it after a loved one you get a certificate to prove you own that star in the name of your loved one so no matter what your loved ones star will forever be in the sky looking down on you.. that brought me comfort and it still does...grief effects everyone differently and we all deal with it in different ways

Just be kind to yourself.

Nat xx

[MadalynCarson in reply to Natsteveo]

Nat, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom! I know it can be very difficult, especially when your close. My Mom passed in March as well, 12 yrs ago! My Mom & I were closer after she got sick. I lived in Illinois with my husband, daughter & fur-babies, but would come visit her here in Iowa where I live now, twice a month. I knew she was going to pass. She had diabetes very bad & also Huntingtons disease. The Huntingtons was eating away her nervous system, so it was only a matter of time. I will sound horrible saying this, but it was almost a blessing when she finally passed. My Dad passed 20 yrs before her & all sje wanted for that whole 20 yrs is to be with him. After losing my own husband, I finally understand her wanting to go.

This Sunday will be 5 yrs that my Bobby is gone. It’s so difficult to be without him. Sleeping alone & living day to day without him. The worst part is facing the future without him! We had our future all planned out & then one morning 2 sheriffs just show up at my door? It shattered my world. On top of that, every person I thought was my friend & even my family just walked away! I was crushed. On top of all yhat, I lost every single thing I owned of my husbands, my daughters & my own in a fire in May of 2017! That would include my 3 fur-babies. I couldn’t get back in to sve the babies nor anything else. My husbands Urn burnt along with everything else we owned.

I honestly cannot believe I have survived all this! I figured I’d be locked up for good in an institution, sitting in a rocking chair, staring out the window talking to the birds.

I love what you said about ‘naming a star’! What a beautiful sentiment. Unfortunately Nat, that takes cash & that’s one thing I don’t have any extra. But great idea, thank you. I will keep that in mind if any extra ever comes along.

Nat do you live in America? I love the way you say ‘Mum’. Just curious, writing with you helps me feel better. Thank you for that! Have a great day & thank you again!

~M~ {{HUGS}}

[Natsteveo in reply to MadalynCarson]

Hi Madelyn

I’m from uk haha..

Madelyn my heart is literally breaking for you....you have lost so so much and yet you still carry on that is pure strength in my eyes..losing your bobby must be absolutely devastating it brings tears to my eyes the mere thought of it...My thoughts and love I send to you I know it’s nothing compared to your bobby but I just want you to know I’m here for you and that you are not alone..and sitting in a rocking chair watching the birds would be my way of relaxing I love the wild birds I’m always keeping them fed and watered take care and have a blessed day

Nat xx

[MadalynCarson in reply to Natsteveo]

Nat, thank you once more! You do make me feel a bit better. Here I am at 4:00 a.m. just 3 hours before my Bobby died. I can’t sleep & couldn’t eat today...When the sun comes up, I’m going to close blinds in my bedroom & go to bed for the day. That way I won’t cry or hurt all day... Thank you so much for your support...I know you lost your Mum on the 25th, so I will definitely be thinking about you💕💕💕

[LiveandLetLive42]

Hi Madalyn, I love your name. I read your post and absolutely relate to how you are feeling. I always wish to be me again. I think most of us feel that way. We ask ourselves “Why did I lose such interest in everything?” And “What’s it going to take that interests me enough to get back to being me?” I go round and round with so many questions. I believe when we experience any kind of trauma at a young age goes into hiding for a long time. But the burden of it still being inside of us becomes unbearable and that’s when we must address it. A lot of our depression and anxiety are from trauma. I just recently started serious therapy to start talking about my trauma so I can release it eventually and be free of it. It’s going to be hard work, but we need to fight and just know things tend to get worse before better. Obviously dealing with the trauma will be challenging, but as we release it, the more we open ourselves to positive things. I just want you to know I understand and I’m here for you 💕

[MadalynCarson in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

LiveandLetLive42, thank you so much, your very kind. My struggles as of late are dealing with my husbands death 5 yrs ago today. I lost interest in ‘life’ in general when he unexpectedly/suddenly passed. My world was turned upside down & is still not upright. Honestly don’t know if it ever can be again...

P.S. That isn’t my name...It’s one of my Dachshunds fur-babies that died in a fire...But thank you...

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to MadalynCarson]

Omg hunny I’m so sorry about your husband. A lot of people have depression from genetics or trauma but when you experience a loss like you have, it’s so heartbreaking. But it makes you strong. And you seem very strong and I’m guessing probably stronger than a lot of people in your life. This whole “getting back to me again” is what we want most, but what if we were to change our thinking to “getting to the person we want to be and are supposed to be?” I’d love to keep parts of my old self but turn into a better person overall. I want to be strong enough to help others and just live in the moment. I’m always worrying about what I have to do or what I should be doing instead of just enjoying the “now.” I am going to PM you. I’d like to connect with you more. Oh and I have fur babies too and I understand that pain. They are like our children. Xo

[MadalynCarson in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

Thank you, your very kind...

[MadalynCarson in reply to LiveandLetLive42]

LiveandLetLive42, thank you so much for personally reaching out to me! I promise to respond, but am going through an extreme crisis right now, well to me! 2 nights ago I dreamt my husband came back! I just walked in somewhere (not sure where) & he was just there! I was so overjoyed, speechless & stunned! But so very happy! I could feel him touch me, I could feel it when I touched him, it was spectacular. Then, horrifically, I woke up, crying uncontrollably! And I can’t stop crying, for 3 days now. It’s as if my heart is crushed/broken all over again! I know it sounds stupid, bit I want him back so badly. Or just to be with him! I cannot take this pain anymore! I feel like it’s breaking me!!!

I apologize, I wasn’t going to share this with anyone, but it just all came pouring out....I need to go take some anxiety meds now.. Thank you if you read this...Really, no need to resppnd...😊💕

[LiveandLetLive42 in reply to MadalynCarson]

Madalyn my heart is breaking for you. Losing a spouse is devastating. My husbands Father passed away years ago and his mom struggles so much with the loss. He was her soulmate. It’s okay to grieve and cry. The more you release, the more you will heal. You know I love signs and spiritual things and I believe your husband reached out to you. I like to believe that loving someone is so powerful that when they pass on, they have the power to contact us. And you embraced it by feeling his touch and love. And I know it was just a dream, but it was also a beautiful experience; kind of like an escape from everything.

I don’t think there is anything someone can say that will make it all better, but I am here for you. I’m here to listen, I’m here to understand and I’m here to support you in anyway I can. Maybe you should talk about him. I’ve noticed when my mother in law talks about happy memories with her husband, she feels good that we listen and that we are genuinely interested in hearing her stories. I’d love to hear your memories. You can talk to me about anything anytime. My thoughts are with you. All my ❤️