Can't explain what I am feeling.

[Ersa_20]

I just joined here following a post. However, I see almost every people here feeling sad and emptied. At first,I used to think that I might be the only one who is feeling this way and probably I can never explain others the way I feel. I am not the kind of person who is always quite. Generally,I am very talkative and loud but there are times when I feel different. I don't have any reasons to be sad. I am fortunate to have a very good family,cheerful friends,studying the subject i wanted in a very good college. But still I don't like doing things like a normal person. I don't like socializing much,going parties,meeting friends,going out with friends. I can spend all of my time staring at walls for no reason. I like watching the mountains and hills from my college and just watching it without any one bothering me. I just like using social networking sites rather than going on a get-together with friends. Most of the time I feel like I should not be here and I just would like to leave everything here and go somewhere very far where I don't have to think about anything. I get tempered even in very small matters and most of the time I don't care about people. I search a lot about similar cases in Internet and try to match my feelings. I read many anonymous quotes and I feel like it was meant to be written for me. I feel like crying without any reason(actually there is a reason that I am feeling..I don't know what though). I feel so many things and it is very difficult to summon up everything. But i feel emptied inside. Probably being lazy has brought up all these things.

[mooshelley]

Hi ersa, I have these feelings almost everyday. I suffered a very tragic loss of losing my 16 year old by suicide back in early may. I went back to work after only a few days but that was just to take my mind off the current situation. After a month and half I started to lose control of my feelings just wanted to go away forever so didn't have to face reality. I had a break down at work with which resulted in me being admitted into a crisis house for 11 days. Being in the house the staff was so caring I began to trust them and broke a brick wall down that I was hiding behind. Resulting me having bad memory recalls and severe panick attacks. I was scratching at first, now I cut myself with a knife at the top of the legs, this as become extremely impulsive wanting to do it every day to release tension with out talking to my loved ones. I feel they can't trust me and judge me which is an awful feeling. I do try to keep my self busy. I have no appetite at all lost tons of weight. Most days I am so depressed I don't even want to move off the sofa or even see anybody even though my husband is off work at the moment. So I just go for long walks to clear my mind then I will always try to do lots of things. It does make me feel paranoid as if I am being stared at in public. I lost a 5 day old baby boy Dion 18 years ago, was very badly mentally psycally and sexually abused as a child until the age so 16 that as also popped into my head all those bad memories makes me feel I am unworthy and ugly and stupid. I do have many acheivements like just getting a level 2 diploma but in my head it's only paper and that don't matter. Yesterday I went to clean up my baby sons grave because it was over grown and dirty spent all afternoon there. For the first time I felt an achievement that I was still looking after my boy. Life is so cruel I so lots more people can understand mental illness it's so stigmatised. They are not in our thoughts or head. I have learnt to crochet basic at the moment, I colour and just can't keep still at times walking up and down the garden, because I am so confused at times just don't know what to do with myself. I do hope that you feel better find things to do to stay focused you don't want to go under like I did. From shell

[Ersa_20 in reply to mooshelley]

Hi shell. I am really sorry for your loss and the trouble you're going through. Actually this post was a random thought that came in my mind last night. I feel everything written in this post but not gone through any tragedy like you'd faced.I am not good at consoling but believe me I really hope you get a new meaning to your life and you get something to focus on which you'd really love to do. I've been telling my friends and family that I'd like to go on a trek to a near by hill near my college. I mean I am not a person who loves travelling but every time I see that mountain covered with fog,I can't stop myself and I love to watch it all the time no matter what. I feel connected deeply to the nature. I feel like I need to go there and I'd love to get lost over there. I have a dream that I will someday go there for sure. May be you do have some wish too or any place you'd like to visit. May be you should go somewhere far from your hometown with you husband or alone. This might take your mind off for few days and who knows, you might get a new meaning to your life.

I am in a country where poverty is everywhere. Whenever I see people begging at the streets or old people doing hard work, I feel so hollow inside. I've having a very comfort life but still I am so emptied. I imagine myself in the old days when i see those people and I feel life is so unfair. I feel like crying. At that moment I feel like running far away where I don't need to see these all. But this is reality and I have to deal with it. I need to make myself strong. I am usually not the kind of people who loves to chatter but I felt like sharing. I just want you to be strong. Not every people having a comfort life is happy but try to find a meaning to your life. I wish you a very fun life.

[Allic97]

I relate to this so much! I feel the same way most all the time, I just feel like I'm not actually living in just going through the motions of life. I don't feel really anything anymore and I cry more than I have in my life. I am so blessed in my life so I really don't know why I feel this way. I get very easily triggered at little things but I have no idea why. It makes it frustrating to not know why because it's hard to solve something when there is no clear cause. I feel like I feel every emotion but also I feel none at all.

[Ersa_20 in reply to Allic97]

Hi Allic97 . I find more people feeling this way when i start expressing my feelings with them. I don't know why we do feel these way but I think we could overcome these feelings once we start getting occupied with something else. Not all the time being occupied is good but I am sure we can find a way to manage everything.

[Fettan in reply to Ersa_20]

Omg that's the same case with me. I have been fixated on little things and having a harder time letting them go, feeling like crying a lot more than I used to. I feel like my emotions and feelings have been thrown into a bowl and mixed all together and I feel so weird.

I have been dealing with OCD for the past 2 months and a emotional trauma very recently, maybe that's triggering them, I'm not sure anymore. I feel like I won't be the bright optimistic carefree guy I was before everything started.

[manny1502]

hi ersa, i can relate to how youre feeling. in the sense that i dont like talking to people either, i have two friends with whom i talk to on a regular basis. even though there is nothing wrong with my life, i feel like crying as well and i manage to cry atleast once in two days. i just wanted to say that youre not alone

[Dimebag]

Ersa - I don't know how things have gone for you since this post, but I hope well. And just so you know, you're not alone. Much of what you've described is how it is for me too. People like us are just unlucky, I guess. I think working out, eating right, etc is important for everyone, but unfortunately, I think it's even more crucial for people like us. Being lazy will only cause us to be our own worst enemy, just extremely exaggerated.

I'm awful about it. But I know how important it is. So I'm going to try to make a change. Plus, I've got Lynch Syndrome (greatly increased risk of colon/stomach cancer) - so it's even more important for me to live a healthier lifestyle.

But I'm here if you want to talk. I'm an open book.

Good luck to you, ma'am.

[AnnaDyt]

Hi, I feel myself exactly like you do. It's horrible and I don't know how to deal with it. I have good family and friends too, but I don't appreciate this. I do not feel love inside me. Instead of heart I have extinct fire. I'm afraid that my fire won't burn again.

I laugh, like have fun with friends, I hung out. But when I'm alone I'm a different person. I suppose no one know me, maybe I'm too.

If now you feel better, please, say what have helped you

[Brynlee_A]

I feel exactly like this.