C-ptsd, the hell of the last years

[No_Longer_Human]

Woke up from nightmares of my mom emotionally destroying me and my sister. I can't eat. Not like there's what to nor money. Im so cold. Grandma called me and i got triggered and started screaming. The divorce, dad's baby, mom's abusive behaviour, alchoholism, unkown mental illness... Dad abandoned me absolutely since i graduated and he moved to other city, sis abandoned me absolutely as she got a toxic boyfriend. Dad's side of the family doesn't understand, mom's blames dad and makes her a victim and i go crazy trying to protect her... from herself... and always failing. That's not my duty. It's his. I'm crusified for his sins. I can't get one night of normal sleep. I can't talk without mentioning my trauma. I can't listen without thinking about my trauma. Without getting triggered. I'm as stable as uranium. I can't live with mom as she's pure poison for my psyche and even the smallest interaction leads to tremendous breakdowns that last days, but i can't live alone as i don't have income and a place to go. I saw dad's appartment and nearly puked. His baby has turned it into a dumpyard museum of trauma and garbage. There's no hope for me

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

No_Longer_Human

I'm so sorry you continue to struggle with all of this. It must be very draining.

There is hope for everyone, we have to believe it and work on it. Please do not give up hope.

We are here to support you

❤️🐬

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you. Im all alone and crying. I can't live alone nor with mom. And it's only getting worse - mom's getting older and my sister will soon be 18 and might leave us two alone and take the appartment. Not only hope for things to get better but they're getting worse

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I am so sorry, No_Longer_Human, for the level of complexity and trauma in your situation.

I feel your being is so much in between other people in your family and their crossfire.

I feel that every situation is unique and I can't compare...and yet...

I too come from post communist block country.

I escaped physical situation and came back to live in a place that reminded me of trauma. But it at least made me safe in immediate sense - I didn't have the fear of being killed. What made a huge difference eventually was some family helped renovate - paint.

I did decorating, added some things, made it more modern (I enjoyed this project so it's not tough if it's enjoyable).

I didn't have basic necessities (heating, bathroom, toilet) and no electricity at times, no warm water etc.

Moving out was better for me but it was very tough. I didn't see any other way. I tried other options- no go.

Initially I was scared, was in shock but eventually it was like small steps. Without all those people doing my head in, I could actually think and concentrate, sleep a bit better. It was just a start.

I know it is such a scary situation and especially when unwell.

I really wish for you that you find a truly safe place...your own identity...

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Nathalie99]

I'm so sorry. These communist countries take souls out and make people live in misery and alchoholism. You're strong but i don't think i can do this. Not before my sister takes the appartment. Family is not helping. It's making it progressively worse. They're used to places being miserable. Idk how elderly thinks communism was something good. I can't even argue with them. Meanwhile im absolutely ruined by the consequences

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to No_Longer_Human]

I'm sorry your family is making things worse.I agree, I couldn't look at that sense of misery and alcoholism, it was horrible. It is totally understandable.

Changed things as couldn't stand certain reminders. I have triggers to this day regarding those things.

I lived for the day I would have a proper safe place. It meant so much to me. No more chaos.

I hope somehow, you will find it...

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you. Rn she's not home but i just can't take care of myself