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[Dream6]

Hi... I've never really opened up about my PTSD to anyone. I never knew how to explain it nor knew what it was. I realized I have triggers, but never defined them as trauma until a few years ago. For me it stems from childhood back in my family household; my father's alcoholism, and my first relationship with sexual abuse. When I get triggered, I tend to zone out, I stop breathing, I get mute, and freeze up. In the moment I feel like I am paralyzed. I get flashbacks of my traumas. And when I come out of those memories, I hide and end up having panic attacks. It's weird going from instant numbness to feeling all those feelings all over again. Feeling helpless and or scared. I feel like my brain is stained with it all. And it's weird cause I don't remember some of the memories until I am reminded of it. For years I thought I've over come it, but I guess not. I beat myself up for even being in those situations for some reason. And I just don't know how to un trigger it all. I hate re living it. The past is in the past, but for some reason it's still a part of me. I don't know if therapy will help me move forward and get through it all. But if you've found a way to manage and overcome PTSD feel free to chat with me.

[BrainIsFull]

Hi Dream!Welcome to this group. I have found this group to be a great place to get support.

I understand the types of experiences you talked about and feeling helpless and scared. It's terrifying to find yourself back In that state of mind.

Many of us here have found ways to help ourselves deal with the symptoms of PTSD or CPTSD.

Psychotherapy has been vital to my healing. I also listen to affirmations on the podcast "Affirmation Pod". That helps me get through really difficult days.

I'm glad you took the step to join the forum here!💚💚💚

[mmb12497]

Hi there Dream6,

Me too - I can relate to sooo much of what you shared. Our minds have a wonderful way of protecting us from things our brain can't process (in a most primal sense, to keep us alive) and that gives reason to why we can't remember some of the worst - until or if we're reminded.

The triggers can be relentless, I know. Have you ever considered EMDR? Finding a good therapist whose trained/experienced with EMDR can be a lifesaver. It's not a fun experience. Not by any means, but it truly works.

[1949liz]

hi Dream, I understand where you’re coming from because it’s all happened to me, I’m suffering PTSD, I’m having counselling by psychologist called Charlott. She is amazing. She is helping me understand so much about myself. I have been seeing her for over six months now, and about a few months ago as I was about to leave her office. She said to me Liz this is not your fault you have done nothing wrong. I got into my car and for the first time I cried, and I cried, and I cried for a week, anything would start the tears I couldn’t understand it and when I saw her the following week I told her and again the tears started , she said to me you’re beginning to feel.

I started to understand, but it is strange because from my childhood of abuse to my ex-husband, and all the abuse I had an endured from my childhood and my now ex husband I am feeling for the first time and it’s scary but it’s liberating. As a Christian, I believe that memories hidden deeper in us, is like a plant in the dark soil and gradually with rain, and some care it starts to grow, and when it is brought into the light, it starts to blossom.. that is what is happening to us, memories hidden in dark place prefer to stay hidden yet bring them into the light, help us understand what we are dealing with it is one memory at this time, but once so many overcome us, that is when we panic. It Can be a colour, a song or something on which triggers memories I believe that God never gives us more than what we can cope it. so your memories of the past, are not the future.

,It’s frightening to remember what has happened to you, but memories can’t hurt you because that’s what they are memories. When it starts again, and you start to panic allow them to come to the light, look at them, talk about them and you will see in time that each memory takes on a new perspective, you will be able to feel again. and as I have said it is scary. The other thing that counsellor taught me was write them down,I didn’t do that, but I wish I had.some planning writing a small book because my memories don’t hurt anymore because I have learnt and I am still learning memories are of the past,I am trying to live in the future.

. I think maybe you need counselling with a psychologist is the best for you. Remember when you start to panic feel your feet on the floor, look around and see your pictures on your wall, feel the sofa look at the TV and slowly the panic will subside. it’s not easy it will take time but you will get there.Because you are very brave to write about how you are feeling. So as I have been told you’re stronger than what you think.. so I say to you, you are stronger than what you think, because you have overcome so much pain. Take care, God bless you, keep strong and positive and you will come through this and be able to help other people who are going through the same thing. Love Liz 🙏❤️

[Dream6 in reply to 1949liz]

Hi Liz, I meant to reply to your comment over a week ago, but I just wanted to say thank you for this. Your words really stuck with me. It really meant a lot, especially in the moment. And as an update; the other week I went to my neurologist for a few appointments. And it was funny because I asked them about this one medication that I've been taking since I was a kid. My doctor said they can no longer prescribe that medication, that I would need to go to a psychologist. And it that moment I was excited for some reason. I immediately said yes. I took it as a sign, because you mentioned to me about going to one the day before when I read your comment. However, they told me my hospitals psychology department does not take any insurance. Which I thought was insane. So in the moment I just started crying behind my mask. I was deeply upset, because I was comfortable at my hospital. Anyways, my mother confronted me and told me how I don't need to see one and I sort of cut her off and revealed to her that I've been wanting to go to one for some time now. Which was super awkward. I reassured her that I was okay, I just wanted to try a few sessions out. My mother without trying to find out why, gave me my space and supported me on it. So yeah, I will be looking into it further and hopefully I find a psychologist and connect with them as well as yours. I cannot thank you enough for your kind words and advice. I really resonated with it and it helped me pull through. May God bless you and I hope all remains well with you. Thank you Liz so much. 🙏

[Mamamichl]

it really is hard sometimes. I moved 2k miles away from family to have a physical boundary, but after 20 years moved back for a place that socializes similar to me. It has helped me thrive with my career for the first time. However, being near my parents (source of my ptsd with SA as well), I’ve had to come to terms and have other kids of strict boundaries just to function.

As for triggers, finding out what triggers me through talking with counselors, I’ve been able to avoid some triggers and avoid spiraling as deep with them. When I trigger, I scream and cry on the couch wondering if there’s any use trying so hard to continually fail. My biggest weakness is the behaviors that I have because of the abuse; the open talk about bodies, even of in a positive way. This is because I work in education.