me and my brother!

[bowJim]

I am struggling, I have struggled our entire life, my brother and I, that is we are fond of each other, we do love each other I know that, it breaks my heart, gives me that deep sadness in my body that our relationship is difficult.

We both experienced the same parental abuse, and until recently I sought private proffessional help to understand what was going on with me, I recognised the changes in my own mood, my difficulties with relationships, yes, I finally owned up, told them I have a transistor radio blaring in my head full of negative thoughts, finally I got help, support and above all understanding.

The difficulties are, I so want to be closer to my brother, to share my life with him, but as you may guess he is suffering, I can see his suffering now, as I kind of feel I am moving forward, like looking back with some curiosity to how I was, I do feel different,

Can you help me, I just do not know how to form this bond, how to let my brother trust me, I have pushed him away from me most of my life because I could not cope, (i never told him or anyone else) they are thought I was fine, I was not, I was chocking, feining it, trying to act normal, laugh it off crack a few jokes, inside my mind it was hell. I feel my brother is still there, i have tried to share the things I have learnt, encourage him to get help, I feel he is sliding further, he seems to be experiencing Psychotic depression.

Have you some experience how to improve our relationship, I am worried about him.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi bowJim,

I am very sorry that your traumatic childhood has impacted so much of your life and the relationship with your brother.

I think being honest about your healing is a good thing but it might be scary for him if he isn’t ready to face things in therapy.

I think he might appreciate knowing that you are there for him but I wouldn't push him to do recovery work if he isn’t ready.

You are responsible for yourself and as much as you love him, you can't do things for him, he has to do his own healing. I know it's very painful to see a loved one in a bad place, not be able to do anything about it.

I think just being present and there for him if he needs you would mean a lot for him.

I hope you both get through this and that your bond will get stronger...

[bowJim in reply to Nathalie99]

Thanks for your reply, very reasuring, helps me not to feel responsible, like I am not doing enough, feel I should be able to do more, it is painful to watch and as much as anything I feel guilty for not being able to make things better for him,

I have supported him in the past, normally ends with him not feeling I have done enough for him, like I don't care, I feel I am treading a very thin line, that ends negatively.

Your advise gives me so understanding of how to behave, to know my position and how to handle myself towards my brother, I will be mindful of my actions and support him where I can, I find it difficult, it is extremely sad.

I feel he is slipping, in fact he has told me so, I will respect and support, he becomes very angry quickly, agitated, talking about things that have never been said, like imagining things have been said or discussed, I feel his pain.

[Shy_Guy]

Hello Jim,

I grew up with neglect and abuse and my brother and I lived through it together. I got a lot of help in understanding my pain and anger but my brother never did. We still love each other but it is difficult because we deal with trauma very differently. Our relationship is strained but love ties us together. He live on the west coast and I live on the east coast so that does not help our relationship either. He is a very closed and intellectual person and I am a emotional basket case so we really come from different places.

One thing that helped was finding common ground. Things that we both have in common. There are few but there are some. I don't worry about the many things we don't have in common. I also try not to judge him. He is dong the best he can and I want to fix it but the does not want any help. So I observe the tiny steps he does and try to be happy with the crumbs he is capable of giving.

Good luck to you.

[bowJim in reply to Shy_Guy]

Thanks for your reply, it genuinely helps to know your expereince, reading your post helps me to make sense of some of my own thoughts, my emotional feeling that I should be doing more, yet could cause harm, I also share your thoughts on personality, I have touched on this subject with my brother, we are very different personalities too,

My brother is very wanting of me, like he want me more in his life, yet I find it difficult to step around the differences, like he looks at me as if everything is ok, it is not it is still very difficult, it is just that I understand the Why, why I am like I am, how the past truama has affected me, has stopped me judging myself, enabled me to live a more meaningful life,

I kind of feel I have just accepted, the acceptance of what happened as opposted to the victim to what happened, I know you will understand this, of course it took me years too.

I will try to focus on the things you mention, look for the common ground, (you are so right it is the personality), we were getting along fine, until I laughed at something he said, well that was that, he took it personally, it was not meant to harm, it was just my way of dealing with what was said, no judgement or negative feelings, he blew up and next minute I am this awful person. I can feel his vulnerbility as well as mine.

Your advise is hepful I see what you are pointing out to me, I will try harder, be more careful, mindful, I said to my brother, I mean no harm to you, we are different this can take time, we can work it out, he does not look convinced.

[Stippler]

It is very good of you and noble to care about your brother as much as you do. I believe more forgiveness, empathy and understanding should happen between my brother and me. Right now, it is not happening, and right now it seems as though it never will. But if it ever does, it will involve change and growth for both of us, but I don't think we have enough time left in our lives to do it. We have a lot in common, we have similar stories and we understand each others experiences. But I don't feel like he accepts me at all, and I have trouble trusting him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess I need to grow past it and somehow love him unconditionally because he may never accept me. It keeps my mind tied in knots.

[bowJim in reply to Stippler]

Stippler your account of your relationship is a help to me in understanding my own struggles, thank you, your account gives me comfort I am not alone, I wish things could be better, I just do not know how to improve things.

I do try to build a better bond, I assume we are each others trigger to our anxiety, and both of us are vulnerable to this, I like you feel it a great loss to not be closer,

I know our personalities are very different and this can make situations difficult as I may laugh at something that my brother then feels is directed at him, it is just my way of handling things and that is the way my brother handles his.

Assume we are not unusual and this is a natural response after our childhood events, I would like an explination or method that we may learn to improve things, I will speak with my therapist next time, see if there are some ideas. best wishes.

I was close to my mother and reading your other post about the relationship you now have with your mum is just great, - I did take the choice to stop speaking with my mother 2 years ago as the anxiety was too much for me to handle, I had some guilt at first but with my therapy and understanding I now know this was best course for me, I feel I have moved forward and life is more calm.

[SavingGrace Administrator]

I've witnessed and come across some sibling 'issues' during my life and also, personally. My brother I adore - absolutely would want to move Earth and mountains for him. I also have cousins at odds right now - and it feels as if our family is in danger of becoming fragmented. I do believe in deep resolve, however. Whatever it takes....

I have been talking to extended family members, to try and expand upon my 'immediate' family issues.

Dialogue, compassion, understanding - these all take time.

It is an ebb and flow of movement: one step forward, two steps back..... but I think it is important to keep on thinking of the art of the possible... and to look for those three steps forward, where a narrative is concerned. Yet never pushing for that end point.

And I always reflect upon my own anger, when thinking about how it is feasible to move forward. Anger makes us respond unnaturally - although, it is true I feel, that anger is a natural response to trauma.

So, allowing for that space - to allow for 'anger' and whatever emotions are required to heal - in total: allowing for a time of peace: it is important to factor that in. Rather than just expecting answers or immediate resolve.

Love heals.

I don't know how - but it can and does.

Compassion and understanding and dialogue - keep them up ? [As will I be continuing to aim to do ]

Sending blessings x

Saving Grace. x