need to start dealing and healing

[Jcwy]

hi everyone. I’m 40 years old. At the age of 3-5 years old my brother and I were physically and sexually abused by our “babysitter” and her kids. She knew that her sons were molesting me and even walked in on it happening a couple xs. I remember specific details and I can see it clearly in my memory. They told us if we told anyone they would kill us and bury us in their yard. I remember the absolute terror I felt each and everyday. When finally my mom took us to our dr because she suspected something was going on, no action was taken to press charges or get my brother and I help. To top this all of my dad was a raging alcoholic and was abusive to my mom and brother and I. So growing up was like holding my breath underwater and walking on eggshells. Then I found out at 31 years old that my uncle whom my brother and I were not only around Daily but left alone with was arrested when my brother(1981) was born for raping a 6 year old. We were never told of these events. I just started therapy for the first time in my life when in October of last year when I lost my furbaby of 12 years. A lot has come out in sessions but I don’t feel like I’m getting the help I really need. I’ve had post traumatic stress disorder for along time ,depression,anxiety. I also have endometriosis and intersistital cystitis which adds to the depression and anxiety. I will have almost blackouts when I’m having an episode (not sure if that’s the right word for it)I get lightheaded and foggy headed I feel exhausted and drained. I want to deal with this all , but don’t know how

[Dolphin14 Moderator]

Jcwy

Welcome to the community. I'm glad you are here. This is a caring place where you will find support

You have been through so much from a very young age. Healing from this takes time. Try and be gentle and patient with yourself. There is no quick way to open these wounds, that could be more harmful to you.

What type of therapy are you doing? Is it talk therapy with a trauma specialist? Have you tried other therapies?

I know exactly what you are describing with your episodes. I've often felt I'm not in my body. I'm conscious but my Adrenalin is so high that things feel surreal. Panic is powerful and very draining.

I'm glad you took this step to join and post.

We are here for you

🐬

[Jcwy in reply to Dolphin14]

Hello, thank you for the reply. Yes it is talk therapy but I don’t think she is a trauma specialist. I’m kind of at the beginning of this whole process

[Dolphin14 Moderator in reply to Jcwy]

There are specially trained trauma therapists. You may want to ask.

I'm very glad you are in therapy, this is a big step toward healing.

I hope you find this group helpful. We understand what you are going through.

Please don't ever give up hope.

[Jcwy in reply to Dolphin14]

I know I have to start looking for that , I tend to procrastinate but I know it is important. Thanks again!

[hypercat54]

Hi I am so sorry you went through this hell. I will say you are doing the best thing getting therapy. Think how long it took you to get into this state so it will take longer than 5 months to start seeing any results. Therapy isn't quick or painless but persevere and I believe it will help you.

Very small changes at first but with a few of them they become larger and then become like a domino effect. There is an awful lot for you to deal with so be patient please.

I had a lot less than you to unpick but after therapy I went past a group of people laughing and my first thought wasn't they are laughing at me like usual. I just thought must be a good joke. I stopped dead in my tracks absolutely amazed and a lightbulb went off in my head.

You will start having your own lightbulb moments too - trust me. Its far from a easy journey but so worthwhile. Its an exciting trip of self discovery and finally finding the person you were meant to be without all this traumatic past.

Some things we are often not able to heal completely from but as long as it is enough for you to have a much better life that's the most important thing.

Well done.

[Jcwy in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you so much for the reply back. I appreciate the support because it is hard for me to see it for myself. That is another thing I’ve struggled with, thinking people are talking about me or like you said laughing at you. I also have body dysmorphia. Which is a whole other demon. I do really like my therapist but I need intense help for the trauma and she isn’t doing that.

[Mamamichl]

welcome.we are glad you are here. I’ve been through a some similar experiences, although the sexual ones were in my teen years. My parents are both addicts and my mom was a stripper/escort. I’ve had to go no contact for the last6 months because just seeing them wish triggering to me.

Start making a list of things that trigger you into your spiraling cycles, or “events” as you put them. When they have been identified, write a plan for what you want to do when triggered (call 988, do a meditation, find a safe place, etc). If you can, write down ways to avoid some of your triggers as well. It has taken me 20 years of counseling to be able to take charge of my abused situations in some ways, and taking those steps helps a lot in recovery. However, baby steps initially, like seeing a counselor, is still beneficial. It’s important to feel vulnerable and safe with your counselor. Keep in mind,they don’t take things personal if you need to find a better fit. I’ve been through some that were judgmental and it took me too long to get a different counselor. Having a good support group is helpful for this, so find people to reach out to.

We are an ok place for this too. Zen hugs! 🫂

[Jcwy in reply to Mamamichl]

Thank you for your reply! I understand the cutting off contact. I cut ties with my dad when I was 18 years old. I had had my first baby and I knew I wasn’t having her around him what so ever. And like you said it was very triggering to be in his presence. That is a good idea, I hadn’t thought to write down when I do have episodes or what is causing them. Thank you for that advice. Do you mind me asking how old you are?

[Mamamichl in reply to Jcwy]

I’m 40. My kids are the age my mom started grooming me, so that was partially why I waited this long. It’s like I’m more defensive of my kids than myself. Isn’t it amazing how our kids put things into perspective and help us to better ourselves? I researched and found that we need to focus on doing well for future generations before trying to please the older ones.

[Jcwy in reply to Mamamichl]

Yes I absolutely agree with you on protecting our kids . I’ve been very open and honest with my children about what I went through my entire life and now especially that they are all older they are my biggest support system along with my husband. I want them to know why we do not associate with certain people and I do not force them to have to interact with anyone they feel uncomfortable with. They always tell me that my husband and I broke the cycle and it makes me so emotional

[Mamamichl in reply to Jcwy]

That’s so nice to hear! My kids know what I went through to an extent. The 14 yo heard me say I was trafficked by my mom and he cried because of it. My 9yo knows her grandma didn’t treat me well, and saw some of it herself, but I talk constantly to my kids and students about consent. Even when they were 2. Ask first before any touch. It’s a sign of respect.

[BrainIsFull]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

You've taken some major steps to help yourself.🙂

In my experience, this is a long and twisting road, healing from childhood trauma. BUT, I have been at it for a long time and I see progress.

It IS possible to heal!💚💚💚

[Jcwy in reply to BrainIsFull]

Thank you I appreciate that so much. When did to start your healing ?

[BrainIsFull in reply to Jcwy]

What a great question! I ALWAYS knew that something was wrong , even at a very young age, but I always attributed it to me being defective. So I was trying to find help early on, probably in highschool. But I did not find the tight mental health professional.

I had several experiences with therapists that were NOT good (unethical therapists). And then I had lots of therapists who were ethical but didn't help me.

I FINALLY found someone about 10 years ago who REALLY helped me! But like I said, it's a process. You learn things along the way. I'm 58 now.