Do I have it?

[Ldyblue]

I’m currently undergoing therapy for childhood trauma and I haven’t been fully diagnosed with PTSD yet. therapists don’t want to label me but I have a hard time with being yelled at or being confronted by someone. I have panic attacks when I even think about seeing my stepfather. I get flashbacks but most of the time.. I can barely remember any of my childhood.. my sisters have told me things that happened, traumas, that my brain has blocked out. I can’t get into any part of my memories that my brain thinks I can’t handle, it just immediately dissociates me and I feel a wall around the memory. It’s just blank. It’s excruciatingly frustrating. I’ve tried EMDR but I still can’t access anything further than what my brain has allowed me to remember. It’s just a big wall in my way. I’m wondering if that’s why they won’t label me because they don’t have enough evidence to go off of because I can’t tell them much even though I KNOW it happened even if I can’t remember everything. Or if I don’t really have it I’m just being over dramatic.. I just want to remember my childhood.. even if it hurts me. I want to stop feeling like I don’t deserve treatment since it feels like someone else had a life much worse than mine since I can’t remember what happened. But if I have so many things that can put me into an attack or fears that I will get in trouble by him TO THIS DAY even though he’s a thousand miles from me something had to have happened for me to shut it all away. Sorry for the long post I started rambling my thoughts as they came.. if you feel the same or have any advice I would love to hear it..

[Agara33]

This forum is here to get your thoughts out, it's one of the reasons. Things in your subconscious effect you even if you don't remember them. And if it is interfering with your life and you want to know why, I know that a trauma focused nlp therapist might help. It helps a lot of people. You can research about it, its similar to hypnosis-but it has to be trauma based with someone who really knows what they are doing. I had a therapist a few years ago with a lot of patterns and disorders in her life and she found out through nlp that she went through sexual abuse as an infant. and it healed her to process it and put it behind her. nlp can release you from things that seam too big to recover from. Some might say that if you don't remember it than it might be good to leave it that way, but you are the one who knows what you want.

[hypercat54 in reply to Agara33]

What's an nlp therapist?

[Agara33 in reply to hypercat54]

Neuro linguistic programming-you can find a lot of information on it in the internet

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi Ldyblue,

Welcome to the community.

You are not being over dramatic, memories can be blocked due to trauma.

I understand you want to remember to be able to be diagnosed but my experience was that when I was pushed to remember, I then lost all memory of the here & now or years out of my life for a bit.

I think it was horrendous the way that professional forced me over and over asking me to describe every little detail and he insisted on trying harder to remember. Eventually I fainted after hours of that interview (it was about 6 hours non stop).

He apologized for pushing me. I found it very unprofessional later on when I realised what he had done.

It is not good to push through that wall until you are ready. If you don't remember, I would say don't force it but I am not a professional.

I think if they don't feel ready to diagnose then maybe you can say you know you've been through trauma but can't talk about the details.

You can ask to not go there right now. Firstly they should give you grounding techniques and ways to calm down when you get triggered so maybe just working on that, initially, could help.

Everyone heals differently so it's personalised.

I'm very sorry they put you through so much pressure.