Sharing my story (trigger warning)

[springlullaby]

I joined this website about a month ago to give and receive support for certain mental and physical issues, but there is still one thing holding me back greatly and not too many people know about it, and I am hoping writing this on here will help me move forward and reach some people who have had similar experiences.

When I was 17 I was groomed into a relationship with an older man who had the same art class as me at college, he was 25 and I had an uneasy feeling around him the first time we spoke. The first time we hung out outside of school, he slapped my leg so hard he left an imprint of his hand and it was raw and red. The time we went out on our first "date", he publicly choked me and slammed me onto the ground at a park and told me that he liked the look of terror in my eyes. I told him to stop, but he choked me 2 times on different occasions after, one being at a different park. I blamed myself for not standing up for myself at the time and was too scared to leave the relationship. I distanced myself from my family and friends and never opened up about how scared I was. I did not trust him and constantly eyed the doors whenever we were alone, and always had my water with me in case he wanted to drug me Eventually over the course of months, he slowly groomed me into getting used to being touched and handled roughly and started becoming sexual, which I will not go into detail. . It was difficult dealing with the feelings of shame afterwards, and for a long time I blamed myself for everything that had happened. It lasted around 9 months, and it was a very traumatizing experience for me. There were many other red flags and events that happened in those 9 months, and it is difficult still for me to write it out.

I met someone a month after I mustered up the strength to leave the guy, and we went on a date and eventually fell in love. However, when we were intimate I would sometimes break down and cry, shaking, and I had no idea why until many months later I realized it was a response to trauma The relationship was wonderful, but eventually we broke up due to the timings of our lives. But the crying and shaking during sex did not go away and still happens to this day.

I have noticed as more time has passed, it has become harder to move on. I kept denying what happened and that he really loved me and had no intention to hurt me. And I am angry at myself for taking so long to realize it. I have other triggers too, like those covers you put over your dashboard in the car to keep the sun out because it reminds me of the time he r*ped me in his work van. I just want to be able to one day be in a healthy relationship, until then I want badly to heal from all this. I am currently seeking therapy and have found a therapist who is wonderful.

My perception of myself altered in so many ways after that entire experience. I was angry, sad, lonely, and full of shame and regret. I convinced myself it was my fault and that I knew what I was getting myself into. I am mad at myself that I ever loved him. Of course I am working on these things, it is tempting to go back to those dark victim blaming thoughts. I know they are not true; I was young and taken advantage of by a much older guy who should never have been with a minor. I just wanted to get all this out! Thank you if you managed to read all these long texts

[Marnie22 Volunteer]

Thank you for sharing. It can be a hard thing to do. Sending a hug (if you want one!) 🙂🌸

[Shy_Guy]

I am glad you could open up. It helped me to talk about it. I am sorry this happened

[SavingGrace Administrator]

Dear Springlullaby. Welcome to the forum and thank you, for sharing your story.

I think you sound incredibly brave and, I am so glad that you are here -

this surely shows a sign of starting the process of your healing and recovery.

I understand how your sense of self has changed since this period of your life. I am so glad that you found love afterwards, though sad too that this did not work out in the end.

I think you are right to be reaching out and aiming to process the difficult time in your life. There can be so many emotions held back from such experiences and it is important to allow them to be voiced, in your own words.

That will count and will help you overall, to find a renewed sense of - not just self, but inner peace.

Thinking of you and saluting you.

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

Thank you for trusting enough to share some of your story. I’m really sorry you’ve been through so much. I can identify with crying after s*x and during it. I’m not sure if you are seeing a therapist. What has helped me work through and to come into a more comfortable place with intimacy is having processed those memories with EMDR. It’s not the therapy for everyone but for me it has worked. What I like about it is I do not have to give voice to those moments simply hold the memory while the processing happens with the therapist. If you’re not seeing a therapist I would suggest you research various therapy’s and find one that seems a good fit for you then find a therapist who practices that modality. I do t think I would be where I am today without engaging with therapy. All the very best to you on your journey to wholeness.