Suggestions On How To Continue?

[HealingWillow]

This could be a bit of a long post, so I'm going to try to summarize it.

*****MENTION OF PTSD AND TRAUMA*****

My partner and I have been together almost 2 years. Almost a year ago, they started to take testosterone. (I'm just going to call them X on here.) I'm very proud of them for taking the steps to be themselves, and to start their transition. Anyways, if you aren't familiar with testosterone, there are symptoms to go along with the transition. Such as a deeper voice, more body hair, acne, practically everything a teenage boy goes through in puberty is what is going on with my X. However, if you've ever known a teenage boy, you know that mood swings are a huge part of puberty. Now it's not the mood swings that are freaking me out. I have a moody family, I know how to handle those. But what I'm freaking out about, is the yelling.

Growing up my dad had quite the temper. It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened but enough that whenever someone starts yelling I shut down. The bad part with this is, the closer the person is to me (friend, family, partner, etc) the worse the toll is on me, because I care more about them. Meaning that even if X isn't yelling at me/something I did, just the fact that they're yelling and I'm there is sending my body into survival/fight-or-flight mode. They could have dropped their food by themselves, or something fell from a shelve, etc, and they scream about it, my body shuts down. And not in the 'my body shut down I can't move' way, in the 'I have to nod and agree and don't make them madder or else I'm in danger' way. I know X would NEVER hurt me on purpose, but that PTSD is there.

I've asked X to try to control their volume a bit. I know they're frustrated and going through a lot right now. And they need an outlet, like yelling is for some people. Everyone is different with what they need. I asked if they could give me a heads up so I can put headphones in, or I could even help them find something else that would help as much/more. But its one of those things they did for a day or two, and now they're screaming again. I try my best to ignore it or have headphones around at all times, but sometimes its too much. Usually X will scream/yell and then go and hid in the bedroom/bathroom for an hour or two before coming out and acting like their fine. While they're doing whatever, I'm trying to calm myself down that I'm not in danger and that everything is alright while crying and shaking.

My question is. Should I bring it up again and see what happens? Should I be putting my mental health at risk for X? Any advice?

Please comment, I could really use some help.

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s always very difficult when you have to hear what reminds you of the past.

I hope that X can find a positive way to express what is going on,

You need to protect yourself, you need self care.

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

It sounds really difficult for you. I’d certainly raise it again in fact I’d raise it every time it happens. Perhaps suggest to X that everytime they feel like they are going to yell they take themself off to another room.You do not deserve to be treated this way.

I wish you well in resolving this issue.

[Midori]

Yelling is preferable to throwing things, but I understand. I had an abusive husband and even now, 30 years later someone yelling will put me back into fight or flight!

[Hidden]

It is wonderful you are being so supportive. At the same time you don’t deserve to be mistreated. I couldn’t live in an environment with a lot of yelling. If you think this is a passing phase and will go away once they adjust to the T- it might be worth it to stay. Would they be willing to go to couples counseling? They need to know how this is affecting you and be working on managing emotions. This kind of behavior won’t be allowed in any setting so working through this will be good for them too. If they won’t do couples counseling then it would suggest they don’t want to change and it’s time to move on to someone who can support you.