Mental Abuse/Anxiety/PTSD Diary

[michael_frye]

Hello, I'm a freshman here and you can call me Michael,

my great interests/talents are talking all sorts of philosophy and learning multimedia skills,

I have a mentally abusive family which unexpectedly gives me social anxiety and PTSD, and I'm not proud to declare it,

I don't have a stable friend circle due to distance and time, so I'm mostly independent and hungry to socialize.

My reasons to stay here are:

-Pour the pain that have been soaking me since I was 8 yo.

-Share my everyday haunting flashbacks for advices.

-Help other people with my philosophy when I can.

I'm currently enrolled for Software Engineer degree, and it's at the verge of drop out with other plans in my mind after my mentally abusive family problem, but I see this community can make a positive changes on it and I'm also willing to combine my energy and commitments with this community.

I hope everyone take good cares of health, because now I know how important health is.

[Beingindependent Volunteer]

I think COVID-19 has made things difficult for many people.

I have read many stories of college students that couldn’t go home because of abuse and even though in person learning had stopped they couldn’t go home. So many had to get roommates in order to live at different locations.

I think that it’s good to look at all options of staying at different locations.

If that’s not possible then to like you said concentrate on your health and isolate to protect yourself.

Your major will give you a job throughout your life.

Yet it’s your life pursue what you want. Take care.

[michael_frye in reply to Beingindependent]

Moving out would probably mostly solve the case, the tragic story was, my scholarship has been cut off due to my bad social anxiety during interview, and I don't take loans because it's a poverty trap. So, no way I'm gonna win a hostel unless it's free or there's a contract I'm willing to work with. Even if there's a contract, my grades would splat like ice creams on the ground while focusing on the contract.

Social anxiety was a result from my mental abuse flashbacks that I spent 3 years fighting directly (in my foundation studies mostly) and still lost anyway. When I was recovering, I was still in contact with my family which neutralized the recovery.

I have plans for a stable income after I drop, once I succeeded, I will surely move out.

I appreciate your opinion and perspective, I seriously tried and am in a lot of suffering right now. 🩹

[Beingindependent Volunteer in reply to michael_frye]

I hope you can find people to help you. Perhaps you can reach out to friends.

[pam4him]

Michael, please don't give up on school. I realize it's hard, been there, done that. But it can be done. Lessen the load if you need to but don't give completely up. Counseling can help as well. Maybe reach out to this site for resources: bit.ly/2bYaQqv. Hang in there, you CAN do school, get help and accomplish great things. Prayers for strength, peace and stamina.

[michael_frye in reply to pam4him]

I really don't want to give up on school too, I've got many achievements, certificates and my grades were all straights and flats too. Throwing them away just like that is like a violence to myself.

But how I look at life is not expectable by everyone, I suffered in most of my studies, but I don't blame the studies, I blame my past that gave me social anxiety from flashbacks triggers and PTSD afterwards. My constant effort in fixing myself alone since middle school has built me to become a good leader and an independent person, I noticed that was why I can cope in my studies alone.

I tried to find counsellors, and even had talks with my trustable selected friends for months. The results were the counsellors is not my type of recovery because my ego in being independent is too sticky for the way I was raised so I can only take advices as painkillers and fix the situation by myself technically, and I lost contact with almost all of my friends due to studies differences, times, places and even my conditions.

I used the link and wasn't able to find any clinic around me, thanks for your caring effort, I really appreaciate it.

With the pain and severity of my condition right now (3 days PTSD on bed after a trigger, with no appetite but migraine, in the midst of degree), I'm really willing to give up on school and apply my alternative surviving skills.

Thanks for believing in me. 🩹