The skeletons are coming out

[brokenankle75]

An old friend of mine’s Son died a few days ago. He was only 23. We raised our kids together so I know him. I can still hear his voice in my head When he was a child. It has brought out memories of sexual abuse to the point of down to detail of things he did to me or just taking my mind crazy with those thoughts. A lot of sadness Because it makes me think of my kids because neither one of them want anything to do with me. And my son will probably be at the funeral. And I’m not going to go into conversation with my son because he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He posted his graduation picture online with me him and his dad and he scribbled out my face so I’m not gonna allow myself to open those wounds even though I am in my head. I tried for years for them to see I’m not the same person. But my son took my life to craziness. He sexually abused my daughter and it, let me just say was hell especially without the support system that I had. Only with doctors and counselors and other medical providers. My friends and family will allow them to be alone. So that was all nightmare in itself as well. I had to choose one child of the other. To keep her safe.So that brings those thoughts in back of my mind. It literally sent me crazy. I honestly don’t know why I am alive. Some thing higher from above. I tried to commit suicide. But I went crazy but I came back to reality that’s how I know I was actually crazy because of everything that was happening

[Agara33]

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. Not all parents would have done what you did. You protected your daughter, you chose right

[brokenankle75 in reply to Agara33]

It was complete hell. The doctors and my counselor were like I don’t know how you’re keeping it together. I was dying though. Especially not being respected by my mom and my ex friends husband. I was in nursing school and I had a nervous break down on clinical at the veterans home. I told my instructor what was happening. The next morning in class I got called in to talk to the director of nursing. She advised me to drop my classes. It was only a month left of school. They were the easiest classes that you take for nursing. A breeze. She told me I could come back at any time but it wasn’t A hop, skip, jump fix all. I was living that hell for many years. I got to the point to where my son couldn’t live with us. I went back to nursing school in 3 years. So when I tried to go back I didn’t have the money to buy the books and of course The books changed and I could sit in on the classes but had nothing to follow along with was totally clueless of the material cuz I forgot it so I quit. It’s still haunts me to this day of course

[SavingGrace Administrator]

You put your daughter first, which is amazing. You honoured your contract as a mother with her, which is so profound in my view.

I'm sorry that nursing did not work out. I hope that you get to care for others still in some other capacity and fulfill this side of your soul's nourishment.

[brokenankle75 in reply to SavingGrace]

Actually yes caretaking is just a part of me. I moved into an elderly community . I’m 45 and became best friends with my neighbors who were/are in their 80’s. it’s a long story but to sum it up his wife who was my best friend died on Valentine’s Year n a half ago or so. Roger my other best friend her husband would’ve died if it wasn’t for me . nobody helped me . No member of the church not even his pastor and he went there for years and years. It made me sick.we were in and out of the hospital he’s my papa. I’m now has power of attorney. I hear all this wish wash that I’m just using him for his money. I had to put in a nursing home which was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. He had his 6th stroke and everything was going downhill. And he loves it. We talk at least 2’xs a day. He’s my family and I am his

[Anij3443]

Oh I am so sorry......I had to do this....to the point he went back into foster care (we had adopted him out of foster care at a young age)...years of therapy and meds and eventually he became so unsafe we had to fight the court to protect our other children. He's 15 now living in an institution. He will likely always need some sort of emotionally sterile environment like that the rest of his life.

I know the awfulness of feeling like a failure (YOU'RE NOT!) and feeling helpless to get the resources he truly needs. Never believe the lies of the enemy. You did not fail him or your daughter. Whatever he was/is going through is his responsibility to work through. Not everyone can successfully work through the stuff they are carrying.

I am proud of you for continuing on with the journey of healing. Some things will continue to trigger the deeper emotions of loss. Now might be a good time to reconnect with a therapist to go deeper into what you have been through. I am praying for you!

[brokenankle75 in reply to Anij3443]

Thank you I do go to therapy. I’m sorry you went through it too

[Midori]

You can't be all things and everywhere for your children.

It is a shame your son has taken against you, but he abused your daughter for heck's sake! I had two kids, (one of each) and if my son had done that I would have given him up to the police, no question. I am sorry that your daughter has also become estranged from you.

Fortunately my son has grown to be a good man, and is my carer. My daughter is married with a son, and lives in another part of the country.

I too was a nurse, but I managed to qualify, although I branched out into other therapies.

I don't think you have any reason to berate yourself, you were doing the best you could in difficult circumstances.

Cheers, Midori