Just feeling exhausted

[SILVER-M00N]

Trying to keep everything together I’m so exhausted. I hear my self saying I’m just tired when my kids ask me what’s wrong . It’s everyday though . Dealing with unresolved childhood trauma , the ptsd from that and many other crisis in my life . Trying to raise my kids alone with no support longing to move to a more supportive community . . I’m just so tired and it’s not the sleepy kind of tired . It’s the physically emotionally and psychologically kind. Just so much to process and don’t know where to start .. on top of maintaining work home kids bills pets ... it gets so heavy.. and chaotic some days it feels like I’m drowning

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Hi SILVER-M00N,

I know that feeling you describe... It's exhausting to deal with all that trauma. I was doing so many things when I got PTSD at some point. I hoped that focusing on things and being busy would make the symptoms go away. Not this time.

I was shocked that I did all the right things and PTSD somehow happened, overriding every positive action. It didn't make sense at first.

Then I learned about that the trauma is stored on subconscious level and in the body so that means it just happens to us and rationalizing doesn't quite work.

I started processing things on a deeper emotional, subconscious and body level and eventually found a therapist to help me work through the things. It's a lot to process but I noticed that the symptoms started to ease so it works.

In my case it has been slow as I had more trauma happen since then and a lot of changes that mean less space for therapy.

I feel that it's really tough when you have responsibilities to do trauma therapy. It really is a lot of very difficult work. It helps but at times it is too much. If I'm responsible for someone else then having therapy means I can't be fully there and I would feel bad.

I think with support and in the right moment it is possible.

I hope you will find strength, wisdom and light to guide you through and figure out how to heal while caring for your children.

[SILVER-M00N in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you ... and some of it is just having the traumas validated helps as everyone is oblivious to how it’s effecting me . Therapy ... that is a tough one as I’ve had therapy throughout my life and never seemed to be what I needed to heal or it was for underlying conditions as I used alcohol and drugs to self medicate twenty something years ago I’m past all that but want genuine healing and think that by being diagnosed as an alcoholic at 19 was the worst because it wasn’t the true issue I was suffering from . It’s hard when the trust had also been violated many many times in therapy . Trust itself is an issue from too many episodes of betrayal and frustration with the outcome of it all honestly . I have no support system in my small community so there is a hindrance to the things I deal with as well . It’s just a struggle to get through most days , not all days are bad but when they are I just want to cry but that really doesn’t seem to help either. I’m carrying all this in my body as I feel it crushing me sometimes and I just want to release it . I take anti anxiety meds but I don’t want to , they are a low dose and some days o can go without them , I hate having to take them on the days that I need them. I just want to feel normal sometimes like life should be enjoyable not such a constant struggle . Thank you for understanding . It means a lot to me ❤️

[Nathalie99 Partner in reply to SILVER-M00N]

I agree, it's hard to explain in ways that someone else can understand, SILVER-M00N.

Most people don't go through things that cause PTSD so they don't really know how it can affect a person.

I can relate to having therapy in the past that haven't helped or made things worse. The traditional psychotherapy would make things worse for a trauma survivor.

However, there are some really good therapies out there that are effective. It's not easy to access therapy for PTSD but it's worth to try.

I understand that you needed to face the self medicating first. It sounds like it might have complicated things and it's certainly a very courageous thing to do.

My father was never able to face this so I have enormous respect for anyone who has faced taking away their coping mechanism.

It does mask deeper problems and eventually addressing those things hopefully will bring some peace.

Trauma therapist especially specializing in any kind of trauma from abuse, would be able to understand how important the trust is.

Small communities don't have as many resources and services, unfortunately. You would need to travel to access the health care that isn't available in your area. That's challenging particularly if struggling a lot.

I'm sorry you are struggling, I have been too but healing is possible.

I wholeheartedly agree that life should be enjoyable. Sometimes we can have those moments of joy or some deep sense of hope and this can get us through the tougher days a bit.

Sending you a virtual hug...