I've experience a lot of indirect trauma in my lifetime, meaning that I've witnessed some pretty terrible things that have happened within my family, but have never really been the direct target. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, after experiencing traumatic flashbacks that were so disturbing and vivid, that I could not get myself out of bed in the morning. These flashbacks come out of nowhere, and it feels like I'm right back there in the moment, but it's almost as if it's even worse. I can't stop myself from crying, because now I have the time to process what is actually happening. I've come to be okay with the feeling, and allow myself to push through the awful emotions that come with these images.
Recently I've been experiencing very mild flashbacks to things I can't quite remember. They are not as vivid and clear as the memories I usually experience, but they seem bad. I'm scared I've forgotten a past trauma, and it's trying to come up to the surface. I've had so many friends who have forgotten a traumatic memory from their childhood, and only when they reach their twenties do they remember what happened. It comes back to haunt them. I'm scared something happened that I've just completely forgotten. I keep digging deep into my memory, but I find nothing. I'm scared it's going to come back to haunt me. Every so often, something triggers a brief split second of a memory, and I don't know if it's just my imagination, or something worse. Maybe I should just ignore it, just forget about it. Maybe I don't want to remember. It's just so scary to think that a memory has been completely lost.
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puppypancakes3
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It's very distressing to have flashbacks and not remember where they come from, puppypancakes3.
Early childhood can be particularly tricky. Also, brain protects us by switching memory off in that moment.
In some cases it is practical to leave things as they are (for the moment) if you are still able to function and have important events. Trauma therapy is often like a full time work so it's hard to function without having time out from your usual activities.
But if you can set time aside and have the opportunity to process it then working with experienced trauma therapist especially in childhood trauma, would be beneficial.
It's hard to go on with things that don'tet go of us.
It's not like we can't let go of the past, it's the past that doesn't let go of us...
I am sorry you are having flashbacks. For years I waited for flashbacks to appear. I had so much shame I thought memories would come up. I do not remember most of my childhood. The things that I do remember were pretty bad. I think my brain did not record a lot of it. I dissociated and missed it. The really bad memories never really did appear. I had to work on the shame that I did feel. I had to deal with the anger, sadness and loss without all the memories that my close friends were experiencing.
So the memories will come without any help. Either they will come up or not. I have not been able to control them. The memories that I do remember are completely different than my brothers memories. He was right there next to me but we did not remember them the same. I still had to deal with my memories as I remembered despite how my brother remembers them.
Detached memory fragments with vague meaning... I happen to have a mess of those too. And now that I think of it, they’re all from the time I have almost no memory of (6-10yrs). I’ve spent considerable energy trying to remember stuff I don’t remember, but think I should.
I “know” something was going on during that time. But I am a dissociation wizard! Even when I recently started having flashbacks, they were of events I had previously remembered but under the anesthesia of dissociation. My flashbacks, however, come in all their terrorizing, soul-crushing, life-sucking glory.
What do we do with junk we “might” remember? Does it change what we need right now? Isn’t what we do know enough to work on now? And doesn’t that prepare us for being able to face whatever does come? Just wondering.
Whatever comes, I hope you’re able to overcome your present heartache.
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I ran into my abuser today and now I'm a complete mess. *trigger warnings*
Seeking Your Insights About EMDR
I'm probably overthinking this
