What I Know About My PTSD So Far and What I Want to Know More

[js_k]

Earlier I said that one of the most frustrating things about PTSD is that learning the new issues of ourselves that we didn’t notice before.

Now, this post is dedicated to summarize what I know so far about my PTSD.

1. I learned that my struggle with assertiveness is not because I’m kind (opposite to what other told me) I feel like I can’t be assertive because I am afraid to deal with guilt, shame fear, and anxieties that comes along for being honest.

2. I learned that noticing is key to huge progress. If I hadn’t notice the prolonged tightness on my chest, I probably would take longer to realize I was abused. My healing journey started with noticing that I have chest tightness everytime my abusive caregiver enters the room. I didn’t know wut it means until I feel the need to release the tightness through expressive writing. First thing I thought of? Forgiveness letter. But later I learned I am not ready to forgive. But the letters helped me to articulate what happened in the past (which was like a jumbled disorganized stuff in my brain).

3. I learned that no one can love me and hurt me more than myself. Even though I have a loving supportive partner and sister, the amount of work that I need to do for PTSD remained pretty much the same compared to when I am by myself.

4. I didn’t realize how much impatience I got for myself. It’s like I got an automatic self-critical thoughts. Instead of changing my thoughts, I notice them come and go. In fact, these thoughts didn’t stay long. They are short bursts. They come and go.

5. Meditation helps me so much to create space between me and my thoughts. I am still struggling with sudden anxiety attacks, but it wasn’t that often after I meditate 10 mins per day. How can 10 mins per day of meditation be such a life-Changing habit?

6. I learned that I got codependency issues. I want to rescue someone, heal them and basically play the role I had in my childhood to my caregiver. I feel like I have to stay on this role for all of my relationships even after I don’t communicate with my caregivers anymore.

7. People are abusive not because of me but because they got problems themselves. My caregivers would abuse me because they do that to themselves. The idea of emotional projection was hard to chew but now I could see it was how it works.

8. I learned that I cannot blame myself for having PTSD because it was the only way for me to survive at that time. My body did the right thing. PTSD is like fighting for a war that is no longer there. I am still struggling to come into terms that PTSD is not my fault.

9. The reason I didn’t care so much about my physical health was because I feel disconnected from my body.

What I wanna know more:

1. Why did I feel so disconnected from my body?

2. Why that even though I am struggling with disconnection I turned down my friends?

3. In what ways does seeking external validation helped me in the past?

[Nathalie99 Partner]

Thank you very much for those great reflections about your journey, js_k.

The disconnection with the body (and emotions) can happen as a protective mechanism to switch off feeling the physical and emotional pain during trauma.

That's the general way it is described.

Turning down friends could be for a variety of reasons. I tend to isolate during pain because partly I need to protect myself from others and partly I feel shame. I also don't want to burden others.

I think many people seek external validation and I remember learning a lot from observing how others functioned in the world.

I needed validation from my parents and people closest to me but I didn't get it much.

I eventually did give myself validation and it helped a lot.

I know our journeys are different and I find it helpful reading about experiences and reflections of other people. Thank you for sharing...

[js_k in reply to Nathalie99]

I’m really happy to hear that you’re practicing self-validation! It’s challenging but rewarding! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences too

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Once again I’m blown away by your insightful observations! I really enjoy reading them and couldn’t agree more with all of them!

Forgiving too soon or expecting ourselves to forgive too soon can actually set back our healing. I’m so glad you realized this.

We must first acknowledge, grieve and validate our own experiences and pain before we can truly forgive. Sometimes I think there is a fine line between what some people call forgiveness but is actually denial.

I agree with Nathalie’s feedback on your questions.

I, too, wonder why I push friends away even though I struggle with lack of connections with others.

For me I think it’s multi-fold:

- I’m too overwhelmed with the internal experience of CPTSD to have much room for anything more than a stressful full time career, workout routine, life partner, caring for a house, trying to eat well and care for a puppy.

— I tended to set up friendship dynamics where I’m always the listener. When I try to talk or share, I notice they’re not interested or don’t have the capacity to listen to me even for short, mundane things. This makes it exhausting and one sided for me.

—I don’t think I’ve ever really found my tribe of truly like minded friends.

—I’m an introvert so I replenish energy by being alone.

—-I must still struggle with shame on some deep, abiding level where I’m not comfortable sharing about my life or myself. I feel I don’t have much to talk about when it comes to mundane topics. I’m still very private though I can and do open up very deeply when I am with someone I trust and is open to listening to me.

These are just some of the reasons I can think of off the top of my head.

Thanks again for sharing your insights!

[js_k in reply to GeminiDancer]

Wow I’m so impressed by how deep you know yourself...Thank you so much for sharing your observations about why you isolate yourself. I’m sorry that you are struggling with shame. Your reflection actually shows how resilient you are against symptoms of PTSD. It shows strength and courage to be honest with what you are feeling about social connections.