Guilty for sharing

So I just got off the phone with a person, who I considered a friend. We swapped stories of the challenges we were going through. All of the sudden I started talking about the trauma I went through and she hurriedly got off of the phone. I started feeling guilty for sharing pieces of my story. AWKWARD. Why? I remember my therapist telling me to save the heavy stuff for sessions, but right then I felt like I needed to release. It seems that I only talk once a month. Any thoughts? Has anyone had these experiences?

[Hidden]

Ouch, PoeticOvercomer! I'm sure that felt terrible. I've had a lot of friends go blank on me when I tried to share my world, and then just fade into the distance. I've recently made amends to and patched up with a friend where I had leaned on him too heavily when I was in a really bad spot. I think the therapist has good advice to share the heavy stuff in sessions - but you can't always be in their office when you need to share.

It has seemed to work best for me that I have a number of friends to talk with, and share just a little with each of them. It keeps my need to talk bled down some, but doesn't overwhelm them. Some of my friends have been with me for almost 30 years, and with them - they can listen and just let me wind down. Thank God for them!

Guilty - I think I feel guilty when I do a lot of things, so in sharing, it's not different. "Did I say too much? Why did they suddenly leave so early from dinner?" That sort of thing. It's tough to deal with.

[Pepper_bg in reply to Hidden]

I think I replied to you about this before but I am so relieved to find out you and others share my embarrassment over talking too much. My only way to avoid this is to not talk

[Hidden in reply to Pepper_bg]

I remember that conversation, Pepper_bg. I know - it is such a relief to realize it's not just me! How have you been?

[Pepper_bg in reply to Hidden]

Hi DanH, not too good lately, started to tremble when walking MGM fog in the park, feel myself shutting down but trying to keep busy. Can't relax, can't switch off my thoughts, shakey , feel rigid, clumsy accidents and don't feel a little bit separate from what's around me. I am just annoyed how it interferes either my day to day functioning. I am exhausted. Thank you for asking. Looking for an EMDR therapist. Do you have therapy ?

[Hidden in reply to Pepper_bg]

Wow, Pepper, that is a lot going on. I do know the feeling, and at times it's been like that is my world. Tired, interfering with day to day how I can get along - yes, it's been like that. Fortunately, it's gotten a lot better now.

I have done therapy, but am not doing it currently. I did EMDR, and not sure my therapist was all that wonderful. We did 4 sessions, and she assured me "you are disconnected from those old abuse memories. It didn't work that way for me. It sped up the process of releasing the abuse feelings, but wasn't a magic bullet by any means.

[Pepper_bg]

Yeah, I hear you; I was in a high state of anxiety yesterday and for the first time ever I messaged my sister to tell her the effects of her ignoring /avoiding me and not being able to really hear me and how hefty lack of apparent care feeds in to my extreme PTSD reaction to abandonment. Now I regret it because when she reads it she will make me out to be the crazy one and still not hear me. Aagh! I wish I could take it back

[timelychef in reply to Pepper_bg]

If she's like my sister then maybe you should create some distance and find another confidant. My sister and I just overwhelmed each other with our shared history. It's sad but I treasure our happy memories and know that we are better off being distant relatives.

[Hidden in reply to timelychef]

Hi Timelychef! It was a weird thing. I've been journaling more and decided that it's okay to release some. I'm not gonna be hard on myself.

[Hidden in reply to Pepper_bg]

I agree with timelychef. My family is mostly in recovery for alcoholism, so you'd think they'd have some awareness and sensitivity to my PTSD issues. Instead, we just don't talk about it. I've lightly mentioned it once or twice, and they looked uncomfortable. I think they have similar issues, but just not ready to deal with them.

Distant relatives - I notice a while back my family would gather and not really talk to each other about anything substantial. I realized they already are distant relatives, felt the loss and have tried to move on.

[timelychef]

My recommendation would be to go to therapy once a week. If you can't afford that, then keep a journal. I overwhelmed my sister and she has PTSD and her rantings didn't overwhelm me but they did stress me out because she was always telling me what to do. We haven't spoken in three or more years and my life is better without her.

Writing everything down, editing it, re-reading, contemplating, etc., can be very helpful and prevent you from feeling the need to gush to others. At least it does for me. I woke up very anxious and just reading this and responding is calming me down. It can be very cathartic to at least express your feelings on paper or the computer. Then just save it to read later. It can show you how you get better over time.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor]

Oh boy have I ever! I'm a good listener. Partly my nature partly because I parented my parents and partly because I know when I talk it's of a heavier nature. So all of my friends are used to me listening and not talking as much as them. Self absorbed people love this set up. But when I do choose to talk and share I'm almost always ignored or shrugged off. It's so hard for me to share myself as it is let alone when met with this disinterested reaction. My constant sense of isolation and aloneness stems from this I'm so envious of how others just ramble on about all their stuff knowing I can never have real conversations or connections because my dad abused me my mom died years ago and my brother killed himself. I have to precariously avoid any convo where people may ask about my family. It's a main topic for most people. I totally relate to what your friend did and it always pisses me off when it happens to me. I remember feeling like my only real human interaction was once a month with my therapist.

[Hidden in reply to GeminiDancer]

I do hear you on the listening, GeminiDancer. I had a lot of friends who would call and "dump" their current stuff on me, and after a while I realized they'd walk away feeling great, and I felt terrible - carrying some of the stuff they had dumped. I finally woke up and realized "who listens to the listener?" A lot of them didn't, or if I wanted to talk about me - they didn't have time.

I started backing up from those friends, and sure enough, they didn't like it. It hurt to do - it's in my nature to listen - but I didn't need the extra weight they'd throw on me so carelessly.

[Hidden in reply to GeminiDancer]

Thanks for the response GeminiDancer. WOW. You brought to light an issue and that's dealing with the self-absorbed. They love me, but I try to stay away. I'm going to change that talking only once a month bit. I'm not being fair to myself. I deserve to talk too DUH! LOL!

[Hidden]

I too have said more than I perhaps should have to a person that I thought I had a stronger relationship with than I actually did. It is far more likely that your friend was feeling overwhelmed than she was uncaring. I think we are better off to share with professionals until we have the exposure portion of therapy done. Because THAT part is often like giving birth once started. The average person just doesn't know what to do with the info coming at them. It isn't that they don't WANT to help, it is that we are all kinda pre-programmed to think that we should know what to say. Few people have learned that the BEST thing we can all do is to LISTEN and to love the person through whatever they are saying without judgments and being wholly present.

Bear in mind too, that you may have triggered something in her that she was not ready to deal with.

Hugs <3

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Great response!

[johnsmith]

You cannot read body language over the phone. You can also end up shouting on the phone without realising we are shouting. There is a tendency for high level emotions to cause the hearing to shut down with the voice raising in an attempt to hear at the same level.

When in high emotional state sensitivity to what is happening around you decreases.

So your friend may have got off the phone because you were running away with your self. If your friend is old enough they would have done the same thing at some point in their lives. So they will understand what happened.

Hope this helps

[Bluejay77]

I completely relate. Socially frozen! Hate it.

[Stuck1 Pioneer in reply to Bluejay77]

Thanks for sharing with me, Bluejay.

((Hugs)) xx

[Hidden in reply to Bluejay77]

It's awkward at times.

[Hidden]

Stuck1 I sooooo get that "old"me person. I was like you. I was very quick witted, humorous, and popular. I'm trying to get there but it is a struggle. I'm getting into the new person. Hang in there Stuck1. Blossom!

[aujoymyjoy]

A person's response often says more about them than it does about me. Because I am hypersensitive and expecting rejection all the time, I assume I am being the 'overt annoying in your face' nutjob. However, often what I say brings up something in another person's life that they want to avoid.

I get why you feel a need to release. Is the therapist the only person I will be able to share with? Will I be confined in relationships because of what happened to me/the way I am? Is my story so freaky that only professionals will listen? That is what would be going through my mind, maybe not yours.

I have shared in groups some of my stuff. Silence all around, people walk away and avoid me next time I see them. Often I internalize their response and make it part of my life story now simply because that has been my story in the past, so I see it in the same light as before.

Or it could be more about them. I find that when I don't have people to talk to, and stuff everything, it will come gushing out like a broken water line and drown everyone around me. Insight i learned? Talk, or write (i have journaled conversations for 14 years). If someone abruptly leaves, ask them why. Ask them if the conversation made them feel uncomfortable. Ask them what they heard you saying. They may hear what you say differently, but it would be a place to start conversing for them and you.

Hope that helps.

[AnyaC]

Oh, my! It happens time and time and time again.... and still I continue to share my world. Who knows? Maybe there's someone I meet struggling with the same issues who needs to know they're not along. As for those who pull away and disappear, I don't need them in my life. If they can't care about all of me, I don't need "fair weather" friends. I need friends who love me regardless of what condition I'm in. Granted, I have few friends, but those who are there are precious to me. They are my cheerleaders when I need them, and my fun friends when I don't.

[maggymac]

PoeticOvercomer… So been there. It was terrible when I was younger as I often seemed to use my traumatic stories as a "test" of whether I wanted someone as a friend or not. If they would listen to me, they were "in." If they wouldn't, they weren't "worthy" of being my friend. Clearly trust and loyalty were and continue to be pretty big issues for me! It took along time to realize that my history was not appropriate subject matter for light social conversation! In recent years, I have put my energy into activities that I can talk about easily with potential new friends - gardening, cooking, home decorating, travel. While it doesn't help me manage the PTSD symptoms when they arise, it has created a nice - if superficial - social group that keeps me functioning. I save the PTSD issues for my journal and my therapist.