Sometimes the only time I feel present within my body is when I am in pain.
I used to cut myself to test that theory.
It was such a normal thing .. I forgot how abnormal dissociation really is.
In some ways it's a gift. Especially when dealing with chronic illness.
My threshold for pain is elevated .
Appendicitis , Gallbladder disease, bleeding ulcers,
14 years of torturous physical & emotional abuse...
I've become a master at leaving my body.
& Have been doing so for the past 30 years.
So today when I felt my boobs hurt because it's that time of the month,
(Sorry guys) I pushed on them to make them feel better
& I actually felt 'present' for the first time in a few days.
The awareness brought me back to a phase I went through when I was younger .
I loved the presence of men so much, I loved when I had significant others,
I loved when they touched me
Because when they did, I finally felt fully present & alive within my body...
when most other times I didn't.
I felt dead.
It was a recipie for lots of poor decisions & heartbreak.
& I can see why so many people with trauma histories often become addicted to relationships ..
Since when they are alone
they may not feel fully alive.