Absent of Body

Sometimes the only time I feel present within my body is when I am in pain.

I used to cut myself to test that theory.

It was such a normal thing .. I forgot how abnormal dissociation really is.

In some ways it's a gift. Especially when dealing with chronic illness.

My threshold for pain is elevated .

Appendicitis , Gallbladder disease, bleeding ulcers,

14 years of torturous physical & emotional abuse...

I've become a master at leaving my body.

& Have been doing so for the past 30 years.

So today when I felt my boobs hurt because it's that time of the month,

(Sorry guys) I pushed on them to make them feel better

& I actually felt 'present' for the first time in a few days.

The awareness brought me back to a phase I went through when I was younger .

I loved the presence of men so much, I loved when I had significant others,

I loved when they touched me

Because when they did, I finally felt fully present & alive within my body...

when most other times I didn't.

I felt dead.

It was a recipie for lots of poor decisions & heartbreak.

& I can see why so many people with trauma histories often become addicted to relationships ..

Since when they are alone

they may not feel fully alive.

[aujoymyjoy]

With simple black font you poemed life of  x_23

You give me a window into the life 

Of my mother, 

Into myself. 

Thank you 🙂

[Hidden in reply to aujoymyjoy]

You're welcome

[beendown2times]

My dad used to cut me with a knife; shave parts of my skin. Guess that a his way of cutting himself. He would be slobbering drunk, and crying. I thought that was a good thing though, because he was washing all my sins away. My young mind thought I was paying for all the bad things I had done. In some ways I never felt more alive when he did things like that. And being so close to death so often. . . .

[Hidden in reply to beendown2times]

I am sorry you had to go through such horrible experiences.  I've been close to death myself many times. As well as witnessing the deaths of others. It changes your perspective on every aspect of life.