very depressed

[peacefulandcalm]

After the fight or flight, a deep depression usually comes. Do a lot of people experience this? Seems every time. Also of course it is the holiday.

I feel pretty deeply depressed right now, worried. Wish I had more support at my home right now, friends, boyfriend. I have to go out, and don't feel like it, to visit friends and be with people.

It is Sunday and I know I will just nurture myself best I can.

Got an email from my father, huge trigger, asking about xmas present. He does it every year. Did not actually read the email, since I was so triggered anyway, but all this plus everything in life is getting to me and not sure how to deal with it the best way.

[peacefulandcalm Encourager]

asking about getting me something for xmas, I mean

[Hidden]

Peacefulandcalm... I have this on a daily basis and have for almost 3 years. I also had/have a medical issue that was undetected from that long ago so it didn't help me to heal emotionally. It is hard for me to do anything. I just run back home and hide, trying to calm down. I am completely alone and I am really having a hard time with this. I have been invited to a few places for Christmas but I'm too self-concious about myself to go - I think. I just want to hide. I'm in a "shut down" place right now and the emotional exhaustion is coupled with the physical.

So yes... especially when I started therapy when the PTSD hit hard. I would open up and let things pour out but then I'd have to go out "there" and get back in my car to go home where it was safe. I always feel exhausted after that.

I am improving with very small steps but my story is so complicated and long.

I have done nothing for Christmas. That scares me as I use to love it. I still do, I just don't have the energy and don't have my own place right now.

I go to bed every night thinking - tomorrow will be different. Maybe it will be better!

I am isolating almost completely and I will tell you (I'm pretty sure you're younger than I am) - it is the worst thing to do. Let people in. Go out.

I'm rambling but... you're not alone!

One day I'm going to post here and say - OMG! I'm over it!

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to Hidden]

hi Mia,

thank you, that was very comforting. I do feel so alone. And terrified. And like nothing left inside because all the energy is going into the fear. I need to go out, but same, need to stay at home to feel safe.

Do something to turn off the mind and feel peace somehow. Maybe listen to music .

I cannot even think clearly. Feels like one is walking a land mine. Have to be so careful not to step on a mine each day.

I am scared, going to take a mg of ativan, have some sleepy time tea in an hour maybe. Get back in bed and wait until the sun rises and some of the fear goes. Listen to my music.

So grateful for this site, people understand.

[Hidden]

Yes, I experience that as well. But also, when I get triggers and I don't freeze, fight, or flight I also often feel bad.

Last Friday I was practicing for a play and a guy working on the set came and grabbed my arm aggressively (why he chose me I have not a clue). I almost cold cocked him then and there, but I calmly told him to chill and later explained things to him. I still felt awful that I almost clobbered him and that it even occurred.

His actions were aggressive and intended to be such, so I didn't over react to a simple touch.

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to Hidden]

PTSD is so difficult. The feelings are so strong. Why in the world would he be aggressive? I don't get that. But yeah, if I am in fight or flight, and I am re-triggered, I want to punch hard whatever triggered me. Guess that is the fight.

[Hidden in reply to peacefulandcalm]

I don't know why except he has a reputation for being aggressive. There were 2 of us and we were in his way. The other actor is about six four and 280. Guess that's why he wasn't the target.

[WiseOwl]

I actually just noticed that I get depressed after a huge trigger yesterday. I am learning to be mindful of how I am feeling. I used some coping strategies, meditation, exercise, comedic movie. Cooked fish even though I felt nauseated. I kept working with thinking positive. Honestly, I was successful at the end of the day and did not cave and go to bed, which is what I usually do. I am not saying there won't be days when I cave, but I feel this is the begging of an awareness of the situation and how to maneuver through it.

It's okay to say no to family and friends. I feel we have to nurture and take care of ourselves, and set boundaries as to what we are willing and not willing to do.

This depression will pass. I hope you feel better and know that I get it.

[peacefulandcalm Encourager in reply to WiseOwl]

hi WiseOwl, thank you.

I have been distracting all day and being nice to my self. Made chicken soup. Got some more little white xmas lights to brighten up the room. Just took half an ativan. Had some soup.

I need to get netflix so I can get totally distracted in a movie. I think I will call them today. Only 9 dollars a month.

It is grey and cloudy, looks like rain.