just named my amygdala. to try and contact "him"... because he is jumpy about any thought or thing in the early morning if i allow thoughts to overwhelm me. so i just say "it's okay, just thinking Amygo". and i found Amygo did calm down. the seizure ended mostly and i also mentally embraced my inner "assailant" that hurls sharp objects and such but i am on a break from symptoms with a little cannabis through the day. i got moved to the new place and i am exposed to different factors but now i am also feeling safer with my friends and in my room and everything i do is not too difficult. i was sore from moving but doing it caused a welcome shift, and it feels okay rolling with it. i went to the welfare office today and got my shelter info/intent to rent form for 1september, and dropped off my application for federal disability designation. benefits...but i really don't want to self identify as "helpless" - and now may be pulling out of the rut but not in some organized motivated profitable way, partly because money is often charged with unfathonable nastyness and chasing her is self torture when you feel rusty. i just want to take some nice mushrooms and stay home at night or stay at the beach all day, with my mushrooms, some cannabis , water, towel, guitar...then some nights you just stay at the beach all night, swim, gaze at the stars, the water...these mushrooms well although not recommended for bipolars and some others, i also find that pscylocybin makes the brain's gating system bypass the amygdala (fear trepidation distorted speculation jumpiness reflexive jolts and seizures) or somehow bypass the freeze ups and the panic / rages etc. now, i am pretty subdued by depression and other things and i am for the first time in a WHILE feeling like i am looking back at ptsd, it may not be, or i may find it returns when i don't medicate with cannabis. i will feel pain but it can pass. it's a constant decision. do you want to be in pain or high. neither is perfect. i want to go on this camping trip but it will cost me about 500cad$ - i only have myself to justify it to but on financial assistance...i don't like to spend freely but camping sometimes is a very important refreshment recreation and fishing is one novelty that often provides fish to eat at only the sport licence rate.
thanks Nathalie and others who said something when i was pretty scared to move. it felt a bit like "something will go wrong" and would be homeless very soon. now my big worry is if when unpacked i can get to things without too much struggle. and figure out a good plan - maybe there is some training and work that's fine for me. i just found all my paint brushes and paint tubes in my old storage. i started playing my classical guitar last little while. i like my new mattress. threw out both couches.