My body is tense 24/7. I am upset. Stupid 'boyfriend' who is not there for me, lives in another state and with his mother. Does not care when I am feeling horrid. Goes camping when I feel so badly. Have been dissociating and very angry. Huge bump on the back of my neck due to stress and strain for decades.
I am angry. So some guy who is 62 and lives in NM says I need to stop talking to my 'friend/boyfriend' if we are to continue to talk. He has a home in a quiet place in NM in nature, and a home in Ecuador. These are my dreams....home in nature and travel to such places, live in such places...
He has been on a spiritual path for decades. I have too. My friend/boyfriend has no desire to seek a spiritual path. He constantly leaves me crying in pain, doesn't care.
I want to get married to my best friend/partner. This doofus guy in NM says we could never be best friends because he is more advanced or some crap....I don't even remember. I need someone to help me to heal, who understands my need for nature to live in, my soul's need for other country's values and people, someone who is living what I want to live. To teach me some things. Now this doofus guy in NM, who I don't find too often- someone who is living the way I want to and has some similar spiritual needs...says this thing about he cannot be my friend, we have to be in a relationship or nothing. I am angry, upset. I know, it seems easy, just let it go, well, it is not so easy. I need people who understand and soon, I am not well and I need to do something very different.
My neck hurts, I have been dissociating and feel like a fool when I do, simply because one is not quite 'with it' and it feels embarrassing.
I am so confused, angry, overwhelmed and I know I am just writing little bits of stuff of a whole big picture.
Don't know what to say to explain all this, I know I have felt this before and then opportunities to change life just drift away and I am sicker and sicker staying with how things are....I need to make changes in my life. My neck is bent like a swan's and the car noise at my home has made me so ill I don't know what. I need out of this home, a quiet home, a supportive, kind husband who is there for me, best friend and who's soul is similar to mine. I cannot wait and just get sicker and sicker anymore.
May be some dissociated due to car noise and tension I have going on. I feel like I cannot take anymore, need to change my life, and need to break free of the hell that is causing hell on my body, soul and mind.
I just go back to daily activities and changing one small thing at a time, but I cannot deal with things this way much more. Taking ativan, tramadol for pain. I am so angry. People do not understand....this guy in NM at least understands my soul's needs for the same things he needs- people of Ecuador, nature, healing foods and plants. This makes no sense I am sure, I am so angry. And so tense. My soul needs to stay alive and needs to follow what warms it.