constant tension and miserable

My body is tense 24/7. I am upset. Stupid 'boyfriend' who is not there for me, lives in another state and with his mother. Does not care when I am feeling horrid. Goes camping when I feel so badly. Have been dissociating and very angry. Huge bump on the back of my neck due to stress and strain for decades.

I am angry. So some guy who is 62 and lives in NM says I need to stop talking to my 'friend/boyfriend' if we are to continue to talk. He has a home in a quiet place in NM in nature, and a home in Ecuador. These are my dreams....home in nature and travel to such places, live in such places...

He has been on a spiritual path for decades. I have too. My friend/boyfriend has no desire to seek a spiritual path. He constantly leaves me crying in pain, doesn't care.

I want to get married to my best friend/partner. This doofus guy in NM says we could never be best friends because he is more advanced or some crap....I don't even remember. I need someone to help me to heal, who understands my need for nature to live in, my soul's need for other country's values and people, someone who is living what I want to live. To teach me some things. Now this doofus guy in NM, who I don't find too often- someone who is living the way I want to and has some similar spiritual needs...says this thing about he cannot be my friend, we have to be in a relationship or nothing. I am angry, upset. I know, it seems easy, just let it go, well, it is not so easy. I need people who understand and soon, I am not well and I need to do something very different.

My neck hurts, I have been dissociating and feel like a fool when I do, simply because one is not quite 'with it' and it feels embarrassing.

I am so confused, angry, overwhelmed and I know I am just writing little bits of stuff of a whole big picture.

Don't know what to say to explain all this, I know I have felt this before and then opportunities to change life just drift away and I am sicker and sicker staying with how things are....I need to make changes in my life. My neck is bent like a swan's and the car noise at my home has made me so ill I don't know what. I need out of this home, a quiet home, a supportive, kind husband who is there for me, best friend and who's soul is similar to mine. I cannot wait and just get sicker and sicker anymore.

May be some dissociated due to car noise and tension I have going on. I feel like I cannot take anymore, need to change my life, and need to break free of the hell that is causing hell on my body, soul and mind.

I just go back to daily activities and changing one small thing at a time, but I cannot deal with things this way much more. Taking ativan, tramadol for pain. I am so angry. People do not understand....this guy in NM at least understands my soul's needs for the same things he needs- people of Ecuador, nature, healing foods and plants. This makes no sense I am sure, I am so angry. And so tense. My soul needs to stay alive and needs to follow what warms it.

4 Replies

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  • Hi,

    have you tried anything to help reduce the tension in your body? Like some light excercises, or yoga or anything relaxing? For me it's swimming and a jacuzzi.

    Some people on here wrote about that working on the body helped them release the tension and ease the symptoms.

  • yeah, I am doing what I can, just don't feel well today and it just feels like torture too many days for too many years. Going to start playing tennis again, go to the mountain, meditate. Just overwhelmed and angry so much. The noise of the cars in this home is too much for my damaged CNS and then the noise of the ac which is necessary in 100 degree temps.

    Just venting and struggling. Always feel better as soon as I get up to the mountain.

    Going for a biopsy of gland Aug 4th, just worried some. Pain all over for 7 years, all sorts of things.

    Need to calm down, let it all go. I like massage. Meditation. Running or walking on the mountain.

  • Sounds really a good idea to spend some time in the nature. It must be beautiful up there in the mountains. Living in a city myself. All sorts of noises, I get you on that one.

    Having medical worries too, trying not to assume the worst but that things will be okay.

    Being overwhelmed is normal when there is just too much stress. Taking a step back and focusing on small things that I am still able to do helps in those moments.

    I had to push the troubles out of my mind, it was too much. Imagine literally pushing a big pile of stuff, troubles, aside :-) Something like that, not to think about everything in the same time but rather deal with one thing at a time.

    Hope you play tennis soon, it's a great fun :-)

  • Hi, You sound in a bad place at the moment. Not sure what to say about your absent boyfriend and the doofus. Maybe they are not helping. I am so sorry that you feel so angry and you sound lonely. I am going to read your profile because I do not want to say anything to upset you further. I will send you a Hug :)

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