I am finding my therapy really, really hard at the moment and feel as if I am sinking into a black hole.
Been at it 7 months and last week went through the the 3rd anniversary of my husbands death.
The first time I have processed it with any degree of emotion.
I was raped and physically and emotionally abused by him for years.
I then had to nurse him through stomach cancer which traumatised me in a different way.
I was also physically and emotionally abused by my parents.
I think it is all only just beginning to seem real.
Today my counsellor asked me what would happen if I stopped self harming.
I self harm by cutting on my stomach and by drinking.
I couldn't answer but now I am in turmoil and my mind is screaming "Wrong question!"
It should be "what needs to change to help you stop self harming?"
I have horrendous flashbacks nearly every night and my cutting helps me to get rid of the contamination I feel and the drinking tips me into oblivion for a while which is some relief.
They feel like part of my protection.
Until I can get some degree of control on those I can't do anything.
I'm beginning to think I am never going to beat this.
When he died he wanted me dead with him and more and more of me is wishing I was