A Really Bad Day

[1jayne]

I am finding my therapy really, really hard at the moment and feel as if I am sinking into a black hole.

Been at it 7 months and last week went through the the 3rd anniversary of my husbands death.

The first time I have processed it with any degree of emotion.

I was raped and physically and emotionally abused by him for years.

I then had to nurse him through stomach cancer which traumatised me in a different way.

I was also physically and emotionally abused by my parents.

I think it is all only just beginning to seem real.

Today my counsellor asked me what would happen if I stopped self harming.

I self harm by cutting on my stomach and by drinking.

I couldn't answer but now I am in turmoil and my mind is screaming "Wrong question!"

It should be "what needs to change to help you stop self harming?"

I have horrendous flashbacks nearly every night and my cutting helps me to get rid of the contamination I feel and the drinking tips me into oblivion for a while which is some relief.

They feel like part of my protection.

Until I can get some degree of control on those I can't do anything.

I'm beginning to think I am never going to beat this.

When he died he wanted me dead with him and more and more of me is wishing I was

[Scars85]

Don't be hard on yourself, therapy is the first step in your healing journey. I can't even imagine what you have been through. I don't know if this helps but try to keep yourself busy, whenever I have nothing to do I tend to think about the past and the flashbacks start... So I try to keep myself busy all the time. Take care.

[1jayne in reply to Scars85]

Thank you scars I just feel he has no idea how powerful my husband was- he keeps trying to get me to say he is dead and I truly know that but you know when you have a flashback HE IS THERE.

[Hidden]

Don't be hard on yourself about the coping. Being aware is the first step to change. I think it's common to take on those type of things in PTSD. There are things you can do for flashbacks. Like grounding, deep breathing, and mindfulness. You have to find new things to put in the place of the wrong thing. You can't just take the wrong away and leave yourself with no way to cope. I know it may sound odd but I think it's true. I used to control my food. I have gone back and fourth with it for years. About a year ago I was doing it after been in recovery for over 15 years from that. I didn't even notice I was doing it until I started to lose weight. That's a bad way to cope but I did it a lot as a child also. I think because I could not control anything else so I tried to control my eating. Ended up being way too thin. I never had intense therapy for it I just corrected it myself. Now I am fully recovered from that and at a healthy body weight. If I catch myself thinking about controlling my eating I stop myself and remember it helps me keep a clear mind and gives me energy. That has worked so far.

[red85]

Your strength is amazing. I realize you may not agree and that's okay.

your honesty has truly touched my heart and I thank you for having the courage to share your story.

Many people will see themselves in your words and that helps us to feel like we're not alone.

Everything changes. Always.

Know that you are safe and accepted here.

[1jayne]

I can only say thank you and that I don't feel so alone now.

[rgwilliford]

My prayers for your deep suffering -- please know you are

not alone. I pray you will come to know your deep value.

My love to you as a total stranger but as another person

struggling with PTSD.

Together, with mutual support, we will make it through to

our true identity as persons of deep, deep worthiness --

just for being human beings, and, in my opinion, children

of God.

with ongoing prayers and love,

Rhonda

[1jayne]

Oh Rhonda you made me cry. Your support means a lot.

I am coming out of it now during the day.

It is the nights that torment me in particular.

My love to you too. x

[PNIAuthor60 Major Contributor]

This was a hard post to read as I was in a similar experience with my own spouse and found myself so conflicted so many times. You are a brave person to have the trust in this community to share from the depths of your heart. Giving voice to your pain (mourning) is very important. moving toxicity out of your thoughts and body. Take each day as it comes, when again you feel burdened, come here and let us know. I am going to keep you in my prayers. You are doing the best that you can right now, take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and your courage in posting so transparently inspires me to do the same when I need to.

[1jayne]

Thank you all so, so much. You give me courage to face another night.