So it's Mother's Day...

[MamaMeg]

So Mother's Day... I want so much to just enjoy it with my kids and have it be about nothing else. I am just in the throes of so much grief right now in my healing process and my biggest one is about never ever having been mothered by my own mother. My mother recently admitted to me that she basically just emotionally checked out when I was about 5 after a series of traumatic events in MY life. I suspect she was never really all that checked in to begin with. But having her openly admit to what I have always known has just broken open the grief in a much more intense way.

And then because of all that is going on with me, I am not the parent I want to be with my kids and that creates even more sadness , plus self loathing and flagellating that makes everything worse.

Anyone with similar issues around Mother's Day have helpful ways of reframing? Any ideas on making Mother's Day easier in the midst of grief and despair?

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

My therapist says to me you deserve to enjoy......you have the right to.....she also says when shitty stuff rises try to imagine parking it in a car park like you do a car and imagine walking away from it, it will be there for you to walk back to and retrieve. I've often used this between therapy sessions and the visual image works for me. Often around family birthdays I have lots of stuff rise up. As MY family daughters and grandchildren we celebrate them grandly and in style and I want to be present and enjoy them. So I use the park message.

[MamaMeg in reply to Lindyloo53]

I really like this idea. My therapist has used the container type of idea that sounds similar, but something appeals to me more about parking the car imagery. Thank you for sharing it!

[trekster22]

im like that on fathers day because of who abused me i mourn for the fact i never had a decent father.

[MamaMeg in reply to trekster22]

My father was my abuser however my mother neglected and abandoned me. For some reason I don't struggle as much with Father's Day as I do with Mother's Day. Maybe because I am also a mother and am still in relationship with my mother, so I can't get away with completely ignoring the holiday whereas I am a single mom with no relationship with my father for 25 years or so now, so I can completely ignore Father's Day. I am sorry that you know this pain and struggle, too. No one should have to.

[GeminiDancer Major Contributor in reply to MamaMeg]

Mother's Day has always been harder for me too. Though I've grieved a lot for never having any kind of real father...I pretty much completely ignore Father's day too. Kinda weird I guess. I had hope for a healthier relationship with my mom before she died...I think that's why. I've always known there was no hope with my father.

I'm sorry it was a difficult day for you. I can only imagine. I hope you pulled through and feel better this week.

[Hidden]

I think for me I found that in some ways I have to be my own parent. It's so sad to have the disappointment of a parent who just doesn't have it in them to provide the love you need. I had to tell my self parents are humans with flaws. Forgive and then pull my self nurturing tools to use in my own life. I still get disappointed a lot though when the phone call goes wrong or the support is not what it should be. But I know it's not a reflection of me. I hope your day went ok for you today.

[MamaMeg]

I did pull through and it actually turned out to be an ok day. I am kind of learning to accept ok outcomes as pretty good for me. I got out of the house and went for a long walk with my boys and my brother later brought me some dinner and hung out for a little bit and we were able to talk some about my recent conversation with our mom. I am seriously hoping I didn't trigger him in my eagerness for validation and comiseration.

I get what you are saying about feeling like there was no hope for your dad, though for me I also expect there is some kind of avoidance going on. I have never grieved having a father and don't remember ever feeling that loss. I could speculate in a thousand different ways on that but it's probably best to save that for therapy for now as I suspect it will be a "rabbit hole" of sorts for me. I have always, always, though, deeply felt and grieved the emptiness of never having had a mother.

I am so sorry for all of the loss you have suffered, Gemini. Hearing you talk about your mother's loss reminds me that though I have wished many times for my parents to just be gone already, their deaths will ultimately resolve nothing and the past will not disappear when they are gone. Though I don't see myself ever seeking a relationship with my father, there is still a potential for perhaps pieces of healing with my mother. Thank you for that bit of wisdom that comes from your painful experience.