Getting Better...

[Kinali]

So.....I was finally able to do this today. What I mean by that is I was finally able to go to Gram's grave and sit for a bit and not tear up. The cemetery was very quiet minus the lady who found it necessary to drive by as slow as she could and stare at me.. So many people have been coming out of the wood work introducing themselves to me and adding me on Facebook. Gram's friends, neighbors, many of my cousins that I have never had the chance to meet. Most of these people know only who I am because of the fact I am Gram's twin. But for me, it has been very hard to trust any of them. I am very careful as to what I say as most of them knew Grams as a kind, caring, and sweet person. I knew her to be that way but not very often. To me at least. I don't want to bad mouth and make myself seem like that type of person but they don't know her like I did and never will. So, I keep my mouth shut. My family and I on that side are pretty distant at this point. Actually, it seems to just be one of my cousins and my aunt but that being said, my aunt's kids will talk to me, it is just more of a secret thing. I don't really trust them a whole lot at this point and I don't know what it will take for me to be able to do that at this point. People that haven't been around Grams in years to know what she has been like these past few years have now become my friends. They are a bit older than me and it has taken a lot for me to even begin to trust them. A girl who used to ride with Grams to school each day(Grams was on her way to work so she just dropped her off) is now one of my best friends. It was hard to tell her what Grams was really like but in the end she started to understand and even when she came to see her in hospice with me there she could see the pain written all over my face. The pain of this happening so fast, not knowing what to say to make things right, and not being in control of her taking a turn for the worse. As for the future, I have decided that if family wants contact with me, they will have to come to me. I am not going to be the one to reach out first. As for kids, there will be no contact until age 18 or unless I decide otherwise. I know that my dad's health is declining but at this point considering the fact he had to make a the talk of the funeral, embarrass the crap out of me in front of people that I didn't know, and follow me out of town just to be an ass there will be no contact. I will not let the people close to me, especially my future kids see what their mother went through. I won't allow them to be as traumatized as I was and have to fight as hard as I did to have a life(long story short, sperm donor is an alcoholic who beat on both me and my sister). These past few weeks have been filled with uncertainty but they have also been filled with good things as well. My nightmares have stopped although I think that I must roll or kick things around a lot because I usually, at least these past few weeks, I have everything except my pillow laying in various places across the room. Ooops. A social worker who helped get my sperm donor's visitation rights revoked when I was in elementary has also been in contact with me. She invited me over to her home. It was so nice to be able to see her again. She introduced me to her husband who was very nice. Just seemed like one of those people that I could be around and be ok with. Usually I am very guarded when it comes to meeting new people but with him it was a bit different. Not the person I was expecting but hey, that was perfectly ok with me. She is no longer a social worker due to cases like mine that took so long for the state to resolve. She just couldn't sit there and watch people like me fight as hard as I had to at such a young age. The best thing to ever come out of it is that I am still in contact with most people from the case and they think of me no differently than anyone else they know. For that, I am truly thankful for. All of these things bring me to this, I have decided not to tell no one on that side of the family of my PTSD diagnosis. Seven years and they spent a total of a month and a half with me. They never once noticed any of the symptoms. Or maybe they did and just didn't say anything. I have also decided that I am not going to tell them I know about all of the lies I was told. One of them being that we are Native American hence the fact I blurred my grandma's name since it is a unique Native American name and it wouldn't be hard to find. My looks do point to it although considering everyone can see my pasty white feet you really can't tell all that much lol. I guess I was just never meant to understand why all of this is happening. Why I was born into a family like this. A family that would smear you in a second if they knew any of your flaws. Why is it so damn hard to tell the truth and not treat people like they are a piece of crap under your shoe? Why is it so hard to be real anymore??