Blowing up because I felt backed into a corner

[EndUser13]

A little bit of background info- I live in the middle of nowhere, I don't drive, I have PTSD with panic disorder and agoraphobia. I have to rely on the kindness of others to get the most basic things (I haven't gotten my mail in over a month), far too much is out of my control.

I had an appointment today to see a nurse practitioner about my blood pressure. It's way too high, there are very good reasons for this. Yesterday was a bad day anxiety wise and then last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. I have a cat that's going to be neutered soon but in the meantime, I have to deal with the incessant howling. I woke up numerous times (not all cat-related) into panic attacks, stuck in a mixture of intense anger and fear with my mind constantly going over stuff and me seemingly being unable to calm down.

I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to my appointment today, I feel awful due to stress and lack of sleep and it just would've been hell. I started a low dose of a blood pressure medication that I'm almost out of and a lady I spoke with is telling me if I suddenly stop it I'll be at risk for a heart attack or stroke (this was a receptionist, she had no idea about my situation so I'm not even sure she is correct).

I left a message for a nurse and she got back to me. I was my usual calm and polite self, I tried to explain that I felt bad about not being able to make my appointment but now I was concerned about lapsing in my medication. This lady knew next to nothing about me and she kept harping on me, after last night and all the frustrations I deal with, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I raised my voice but I did not yell. I was articulate and concise but I did not cuss. I 'explained' to her that SO much is out of my control, I'm not trying to harm myself on purpose, does she have ANY notion of what it's like to deal with PTSD and have a bad night then have people scaring you about health risks then giving you a guilt trip about things out of your control... etc.

I'm not pleased with myself, I'm genuinely a pretty nice guy but I have had to deal with so much stress lately, last night was awful and I HAD to react. I'm trying to calm down now but I've gotten to the point that I'm just so fed up and angry... I have a friend who has PTSD from his time in the Marines and I understand what he means when he just needs to be angry and have people leave him be until it passes... I don't get like this often but I've just had enough. I can't even explain things well enough without turning this into more of a novel because my situation in life is so screwed up... I just can't, WILL NOT stand nagging and guilt trips when I feel like I already have my back to the wall and I'm doing the best I can. I know I need to calm down but all I can seem to manage right now is a little worry and a lot of rage.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

I can understand the feeling of being in that moment when I already pushed myself way beyond my limits, quietly, and then have to explain a situation, feeling shamed, judged and definitely not understood. This has mostly happened in the past.

I think over time those events just add up. There is so much our bodies can handle. Each person is individual.

I'm really sorry you have little control over your life, EndUser13. It is a truly terrible feeling. I think it makes PTSD way worse and in return, PTSD makes it hard to have control over our lives, given the fact how difficult it is to sleep under certain circumstances and how much it takes out of the body to just cope with symptoms (this is generalised, in practice everyone's situation is different).

I am trying to not show things on the outside. It is not good to keep all the emotions inside, not speaking up, without having trusted friends to talk about what's going on.

Thank you for sharing your experience...

[EndUser13 in reply to Nathalie99]

Thank you for your kind words

[Hidden]

When I feel backed into a corner, I have to be left completely alone. So I sort of understand what you mean. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and honest. Thanks for sharing.

[EndUser13 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I'm a social person I just hate feeling like I'm being forced into being a jerk (if that's even a thing)

[Wantstobewell]

I didn’t sleep for days because of PTSD had a psychotic break I think I could of possibly hallucinated because of it I couldn’t get an appt with a dr until I screamed at them not in a nice way I told them I question their ethics. Ugh I can understand anger right now and it continues I continue to not be helped I pray for help and God sends a pandemic, social distance, lock down, I felt grateful yet I didn’t get unemployment even though I deserve it everything is beyond normal difficulties I can’t take it I’m exhausted I can’t even find it in me to be nice I’m done I’m sick of others rudeness and I’m sick of not getting what is rightfully for me. I don’t care to live anymore and I understand others many others feel like I do. I don’t know how this can help you other than to say I’m going thru it too and if it’s any comfort? What the heck is going on right now? And than drs are asking me to prescribe treatment what the heck your the dr? Than I’m not working and the dr wants me appt every week tons of Heavy meds but won’t prescribe unless I go every week. I can’t afford it I’m in dire financial issues I give up I pray that something good some kind of real hope you can believe in finds you. Writing this I’m in tears it’s upsetting. I can in no way control my emotions right now nor can I help myself much my Dr did document I have difficulty even talking about my issues without agitation and anxiety somewhat disorganized explaining writing it is easier strangely enough🙁 I pray for something good and healthy for you for everyone

[EndUser13 in reply to Wantstobewell]

That sounds like it was rough! I believe everything happens for a reason, even if I do not understand it... I guess I take it all with a lil bit of faith that awful things happen in order to make change for the better- even if it doesn't make sense sometimes.

I had a decent chat with the person who had set me off later in the day and she totally understood, she apologized for making assumptions about my situation and giving me a hard time and I apologized for raising my voice. Sometimes people really need to be willing to put themselves out there, you can find the best in people if you look.

That's not to say I haven't seen people who I have trouble finding redeeming qualities in but no one's perfect, we just do the best with what we have.

I try to focus on people who seem worthwhile, I've tried far too often to be friends with toxic people in the past and it never works out. I try to go through life with the understanding that everyone is fighting their own battles, things we may never understand.

One of the best pieces of advice I saw was a plaque on a wall simply saying "care for those that care for you", it's served me well.

I hope you are able to weather the storms that rage on in your life and end up better off for having survived them. I really do appreciate what you've said and I wish you well