I tend to put my foot in it...

[aNonnyMouse]

I'm afraid to say anything to anyone about my boundaries because I'm always dismissed as being too sensitive or having a victim mentality. I'm often not even sure what my boundaries are myself. I often don't know I'm overwhelmed until I'm off-the-charts overwhelmed. Most of the time, I try to just ignore when others offend, insult, or trigger me. I tell myself that I don't have to let it bother me, that it isn't about me--even when it is. But when I feel overwhelmed, I tend to lash out. Usually with sarcasm or wit, sometimes with indignation and resentment. Then, I obsess about how I've offended or insulted others, berating myself for not being able to "handle my feelings." Then I explain what I meant by what I said, trying to be understood. Then I apologize for being so bad at expressing myself. Then I'm dismissed as being too sensitive or having a victim mentality. Do you see where this leads?

For a long time, I've focused on serving others. I get myself out of my own thoughts, I do something for someone else, and I feel like I've contributed to the world. Besides, they can't be offended or insulted if you're helping, right? Eventually, though, this leads me to feel resentful and rebellious. "I give and give, and what do I get..." do you see where this leads? Of course, I haven't let anyone know that I have a problem with something, so any negative reaction will appear to come from "out of the blue." This reactive loop plagues my attempts to make friends. I say I want friends, but then behave in ways that reveal my desire to be left alone. I don't want others to force their expectations on me. I don't want to have to change things about me in order to be accepted. I like what I like, I believe what I believe, I behave how I behave. I hate being judged.

I'm so sick of people trying to make me "turn to Jesus" for healing. I'm so sick of them ignoring that I have my own spiritual practice, and that I don't need "saving." I need to be accepted AS I AM by other humans. My husband accepts me and loves me, as do my children. My family of origin have criteria I must meet, expectations I must achieve, and duties I must fulfill. How do I build relationships with people who don't see me? How do I find people who DO see me?

All this reminds me just how far I've come. One day at a time. One step at a time. As they say.

[Hidden]

I hear you, aNonnyMouse, it's sometimes hard for me to tell when someone has crossed my boundaries, except it feels like something is wrong. I think you've come to a great place to find other people who completely understand what you've expressed here. We have those same issues, and you'll find people who are very supportive.

I'm glad you're here, and that you're sharing what's going on with you!

[Hidden]

I am glad you have a few people in your life that accept you as you are. I also understand the irritation when people try to "save me" How arrogant of them to think they know what is good for me. I tend to stay away from those types of people. My own spirituality is my business.

[maggymax]

I could have written this post. I have heard it all, too. Victim. Hyper sensitive. Selfish. When you grow up in an environment where boundaries are weak or non-existent, it makes it tougher to set them for yourself as an adult. It just isn't natural. And when people call you a "victim" for setting boundaries, they are telling you that asserting yourself makes THEM uncomfortable. If you have legitimate feelings and needs, they have to ask themselves, what does it say about us for ignoring you and your needs all these years? Constant giving (or "people pleasing") is one device those of us from dysfunctional families learn in order to be "accepted" by others and to stay safe. Of course it leads us to resentment and usually exhaustion. I would say to you as I have so often had to say to myself: Listen to yourself and be kind to yourself. Your feelings and needs are legitimate. Your inner voice is more legitimate than a thousand external voices. I have had to disengage from my FOO. They refuse to "see me" and work very hard when they are around me to push me back into a persona THEY are comfortable with but who isn't me at all. As one therapist told me: "They are living their dream and have cast you in the role that works for them." So I have had to let them go, sadly. Keep building your inner certainty. Spend at least as much time serving yourself as you do others and you will grow in the direction you are meant to. To answer your question with my take on it, when you fully "see" and accept who you are, the healthy people you need in your life will start showing up and will see you, too. Thanks for your post. It helps me feel less alone. Bravo for the distance you have come already!

[Stilltrying_ in reply to maggymax]

I can SO relate to the above MaggyMax. Thanks for expressing it better than I could and for helping me clarify and YES I WILL do those things you suggest. I really like your suggestions there.

Gemma x

[alamagoosa Pioneer]

I know what it feels like to be told God or Jesus can save me. That makes me feel like the person who said it means " Sorry you're not my problem, I'll send you to God". I know you have family who loves you. The one you married into. But I it's instinctive to have your FOO love you. It's supposed to be our tribe. And when they don't love us the pain goes right down to our genes.