to recover from PTSD/ complex PTSD. While I say it’s possible for me there will always be triggers. Recovery for me is knowing when I’m triggered and immediately kicking in with my coping strategies. It takes a lot of work and willingness to live as a survivor and not a victim. This has been my lived experience.
I had to work through what rewards remaining a victim gave to me. There were too many to note. Then I had to imagine getting my needs met in an adult way and work through and identify how this could happen.
I then had to commit to the therapy I still have today. I mean really commit to it like laying my life bare. I had to be open to challenging my narrative and my false way of looking at the world through a victim lens. I had to clean off my glasses and refocus through a survivor lens,
Finally for me I had to let go of wanting to get revenge on the perpetrators of trauma. This kept me stuck in the past.
I also ‘grew’ the little me inside up to an adult where I live today in the main.
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Lindyloo53
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I feel I have made it to the balance beam. If it tip I can get myself rebalanced much quicker than in the past. I'm walking on the beam instead of falling off it all the time
Healing is a full time job. None of this is to be taken for granted. There is always more to learn and things to brush up on. The coping skills in our tool box need checks so they don't expire.
Now that we have made it to this point our stories become more important as we can help support those that are still working on balance.
I don’t know. I’ve seen so much death in my life. I just don’t know if I can ever truly heal 100%. I’m still beating myself up over not stepping in when the coke/crack dealers were stabbing that dude to death. I can still see, hear, and smell that neglected dog. my eyes can still burn from the smoke of the apartment fires I’ve been in. My lungs still react too.
I have a lot more. Just dozens more. I’m not trying to say mine is bigger. No. I am trying to say I don’t know.
I’m just tired. Very tired. I’m trying to stay optimistic here. And reading posts like yours helps my breathe a little bit better. Thanks for sharing.
I also wonder when/if I will get to the point where I feel more stable, most of the time. I don't know. I go through times when I DO feel really strong and then I have phases where I feel really shaky again. And, of course, life circumstances contribute greatly to my feelings of stability / non-stability.
But, when I objectively look back at where I started and where I am now, and how much I have achieved, then I see how much progress I have made. And that was achieved through determination! And a drive to keep going.
We're all different and how we heal will vary greatly.
Keep on moving! Keep on processing and accepting the emotions!
How has carrying the guilt for not stepping in when someone was being stabbed to death helping Yu today? Serious question. If it’s keeping you stuck then I’d suggest it’s not serving you well or helping Yu recover.
Could the exhaustion you feel be because you’re fighting with yourself?
Hi Lindyloo, Even more memories pop their heads from their hidey-holes. How is it serving me I wasn't able to rescue my Grandma? I don't know. It's decades lost, hiding in the past, but ready to pop up and recall that I wasn't enough.
That’s a great question Lindyloo. Short answer is I don’t know. I will say that was the first time I chose not to intervene while something like that was going on. In my defense, I thought they were just beating him down. It was during the month of January. Got dark very early. It was night. It was raining. I didn’t see the knives in their hands. I did walk by his dead body as I walked to the store though. Cops were there, gloved up, standing around him.
A colleague of mine saw it from a different vantage point than me. She saw the knives. She told me and another colleague what happened. It was her first seeing someone get murdered. She was crying and jittery. I never saw her again after that. She asked for a transfer. I feel like I should have given her a hug then. But, I wanted to head to the store and grab more alcohol. So I had to go. The cops were there. And at that time it was safe for me. Safe for me to walk and get more negative coping.
I don’t know if it’s a fight within myself. This will need to be talked about in therapy. I haven’t had a chance to so far. I’ve had to deal with my mom dying, wife coming back from the dead, abused animals, my car’s engine blowing up, and a hostile work environment. All of that since then.
Maybe one of these days this shit will stop. Then I can try to untangle these memories. Then I could answer your question. I think my mind and body want that answer too.
I’m sorry to hear this. Breathe. Take deep breaths. One thing I like to remind myself whenever I go through a tough time is that my track record on getting through those tough days is at 100%. And that is pretty darn good.
Hang in there. As best as you can. Try and hang in there.
On a positive note I would like to add that I did not have heart palpitations on Sunday and yesterday. Furthermore I only had about two nightmares on Monday night. I was able to sleep pretty well. Get this! My legs and back actually moved around yesterday! It was great!
100% healing, still don’t know. But, I did have a good day yesterday.
That's great to hear good news, 1Mechanic. Thank you for writing those positive things.
I had some really interesting dreams in between my nightmares. They were in colour and completely immersive. It really helps to have even one good dream every now and again.
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