Today

[martinerd]

Started back in treatment today. My psychotherapist apeared to pay more attention to me than last time. I couldn't say much thou, I couldn't find the words, I just sat there. I don't feel there's any point in it. I just feel terrified...

[sange]

agreed totally great reply and so encouraging to read ..thanks

[Stuck1 Pioneer in reply to sange]

Thanks Sange. I sincerely mean every word in the post. I hope it helps. xxxx

[martinerd]

thank you so much. it is the same therapist I saw first time round that I'm seing again and I feel that it is just going to be the same senario all over again. i don't know if its because he's a male and I was attacked by a male that I have problems trusting him.at times I felt ok with him but at others I wanted to run as far away from him as I could get.I did however always turn up for my appointments,even if it took everything I had in me to do so.he is the only person around my area qualified to help me and I cannot afford to go private so I'm stuck.he always wanted me to be improving everytime I saw him and he doesn't do the talking thing,as he called it,so I never knew what was going on.my sessions only ever lasted about 20mins.I just hope its different this time.I do try to avoid anything that reminds me of my trauma.I keep askin myself why I asked to be referred back to treatment.it was my choice but it is now one that I keep questioning.I know its the right thing for me I just don't understand why it is - if that even makes sense?

[martinerd]

yeah I know I need to do something about it I just need to find a waythat I am comfortable with doing so. I have been in some very dark places before and I cannot go back to them. I know that I wouldn't have the strength to get back out again. I was on self destruct mode, couldn't see it and didn't care. I struggle to accept that my life will never be the same again,physically and mentally,because of what that man did to me.my deputy manager at my work was the one who kept trying to point it out to me and guide me.obviously I fought her.she never knew the details of what was going on but it didn't stop her.she is always there for me no matter what I say or do.whether I need to talk,need a cuddle,her attention or just to know she is there,she goes out of her way to help.even if I can't say anything she will just hold me or bring me back to reality if I need it.she is the one person I can trust,even if I don't tell her anything I just know I can depend on her.BUT,I know she is not the one to help me through this.

Michele is an inspiration to me.her memoir 'before the world intruded' is the most helpful resource to me .I bought it last july and have read and then started it over again ever since.have you read it?if not you should.every trauma survivor should read it.it gives me hope and is my most treasured possesion.

thanks for sharing.I live in scotland and there doesn't seem to be much help available.

[martinerd]

Thanks, I will try. xx

[Stuck1 Pioneer in reply to martinerd]

We will continue and try together!! We both on this path so might as well share our journey! xxx

[martinerd in reply to Stuck1]

yeah we will!!!xx