Still feeling so rough :(

[Teddysmum43]

Hi everyone,sorry I hate moaning but this is such a good place to get it out. I'm still not good,feel so unwell in myself. I asked for a telephone appt with my gp and they couldn't do it for a week,will talk to her Tuesday evening. I can't believe how hard it is to get to see your gp these days. I'm not overly keen on her anyway but she does try to make an effort with fibro patients which is more than a lot of docs do.

I'm definetely not good with seeing friends at the mo. saw one of my friends on Monday but she is so ill herself I was just freaked out even more. Made me feel even lower. I then agreed to see a lady I met throu the fibro support group I go to. I've been putting off seeing her as didn't want to end up with another ill friend. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's how I feel. I walked into the coffee shop and immediately saw an ex friend who hurt me badly,was the last personi wanted to see. We did talk but she made it obvious she didn't want me there and it just left me feeling worse. What I couldn't understand was I gave her a hug!! Why would I do that?? I can't stand her! What is wrong with me? I then saw another woman I knew who had also let me down,I couldn't believe it. We had a chat and she wanted my mobile number so we could meet for coffee but I bet you big money she doesn't get in touch,she has said stuff like that before and not called. I felt like such a doormat. Then the lady I was meeting turned up and I blurted all my stuff out to her. OMG what is wrong with me??? I just wanted to run out of there. She was giving me all this advice thati didn't really want. Then in came another woman I knew......I just wasn't up to it at all.

Note to brain at the moment I'm not up to seeing people other than my kids. I am not feeling sociable at all. I've given and given to others and now I'm going to stop. I have nothing left to give and I'm not in control of my gob either because I'm so nervous of people.

Two of my dogs are still in the kennels,I feel so guilty it's so cold at the moment but they do have heated kennels. I just can't go out in the cold,I just feel so ill. Next Friday I'm supposed to be asking Bambi to the dogs trust for an assessment for rehoming. I don't want to let her go,it's breaking my heart. I HATE this illness.

Sorry sorry sorry for being so negative but I know you guys will understand.

Ali xx

[crissy]

Ahh bless u hope it gets better for u soon x

[crissy]

Wot sort of dog is bambi x

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I know its heartbreaking for you over you beloved dogs but they will get good homes as you found out with your other dog.. And with the extra rest and knowing they both have good homes WILL help you.. Yes fibro. Is a rotten illness that's why we have to look after ourselves and put ourselves first although we feel guilty about it... Dont worry about the coffee shop you just weren't ready to face people and if as you say they don't phone you haven't missed anything important... Honestly when you have the dogs sorted out and can relax things will feel a little better and you will have the time to concentrate on you and being there for your children and everything else can fall into place behind that.

VG x

[Dixiesdaughter]

Hi Ali theres an old saying that if you trully love someone/thing you will set them free and only someone who feels real love will release the object of their affection if they believe that it will better their lives. You know deep down that rehoming the dog(s) are in their best interest and you are being unselfish and putting their needs infront of your own by finding them new owners who can meet their needs.

It is so sad that fibro makes it impossible for you to continue to give them a home but plz dont blame yourself as all of us with fibro have lost some aspect of our former abilty and life and have had to make re-adjustments which have left us all feeling some level of guilt, dispair, regret and saddness. I trully feel your pain as only other animal lovers will; our pets are much more than an animal they are our companions, children, confessional, confidant friend, teacher, pain relief and much more. Please be comforted by the role you played in the dogs lives and be reassured that others will now take on this role with love.

As for so called friends dont beat yourself up that they no longer play a role in your life People come and go in your life and teach us lessons some good some bad but even if they only serve to make us look at our own attributes and embrace those we like and change those we dont then they have made an invaluable impact on us.

If you re read what you have written you are probably more angry that you failed to assert yourself in these friendships a lack of assertiveness is something a lot of us fibromites have in common and one of the things I truly think contributes to our condition. Allowing ourselves to be manipulated walked over and used makes us voiceless angry needy and prone to beating ourselves up it also inspires this notion of perfection which drives a lot of us into an emotional and physical burnout how many of us are propelled by the thought that if only I was more....... interesting, pretty, clever, witty slimmer, curvier, smarter, richer........ Then he/she would love me, notice me, be my friend etc. Unless we love and admire ourselves warts and all we cant expect others to love or admire us.

In order to attract the right calibre of friend lover partner etc into our life and avoid the manipulators, controllers, users, fair weather friends etc we must first like ourselves be confident enough to assert our needs to ensure that the relationship is healthy and not one of dependency. Gaining a voice putting your own needs first and becoming assertve is so liberatng learning to say no without worrying about causing offence or throwing the world of balance is one of the benefits of assertiveness training perhaps like me you would benefit from taking up an assertiveness course it deff helped me as I found I lacked confidence hated confrontation and believe if I didnt say yes to every request I had caused upset and offence and this in turn made me over anxious to please and left me vunerable to abuse by other more dominant characters and more open to contracting a condition like fibro.

Im sending you warm hugs and hope that things work out for you

Take care

Dixie x

[Teddysmum43]

I am so angry at what this illness has done to me,i feel like its all coming out now. The first couple of years you are sort of hoping it will get better and I had enough energy to try and improve things,loose weight,go the gym,make new friends,fight the benefits people. Now four years down the line I'm seriously peed off. I mean Seriously peed off. This isn't going to go away. After all I've been through in my life and now this. I want to scream and shout and have a total paddy.The language I could use but I won't cos I know we aren't allowed to on here. I can't even punch a pillow cos it would hurt too much. The only way I know to get out the anger is to write it down or talk to my counsellor,actually shout at my counsellor but I don't feeli can do that yet.

My dogs are my babies,they are with me 24/7 and this is crucifying me. I know I've got to do it but it doesn't make it any easier but if I don't I will just get worse and could end up loosing all of them. Bambi is a whippet lurcher and Skippy is a patterdale cross. I can't let skippy go she is 13 now and too old to rehome especially with her problems. Bambi is just 4 so much easier to rehome and she is full health. I feel so badly guilty when I think of her.

Dixie you talk a lot of sense. An assertiveness course would be good for me once I feel a little better. I can be assertive in some situations but not with others.

I've had a lovely card from my fellow students from the counselling course,theyve all signed it with little messages,am so touched.

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I understand your anger and grief teddysmom and that's why i think you need to take the steps to make life as easy for you as possible because all this anger and grief doesn't help with fibro it tends to make us feel worse. I have had fibro 23 years so have had a long time to get angry, grieve for the life I had planned. I was 25 when diagnosed, and slowly as you make life easy for yourself so you are not pushed to anger and grief , acceptance and adaptation will come and you will suddenly realise one day,, hey my life is different to what I had planned but its still good, and when that happens fibro does tend to settle down a little..

VG x