This is going to be a long one on my journey of finding self belief.
After a very difficult week battling anxiety I managed to get to my counselling course yesterday which I guess was an achievement in itself. I wasn't feeling at all well in myself but I didn't want to sit at home all day feeling horrible.
It was the last day before our Xmas break. We looked at What we have learned in our first term. I was so upset because when i started the course I was in a fairly stable frame of mind. How wrong was I?. We also had to do a drawing about our journey in the first term,it was quite powerful and also made me realise I have not been using my creative side since I had to close my florist shop when I got fibro three years ago. I've been too frightened to use it and I'm not sure why. I'm going to try and change that,I guess when ur in a lot of pain u don't feel particularly creative. But without creativity in my life it's become dull and monotonous.
We had a morning break,I was talking to one of my fellow pupils and she mentioned her dad being very poorly and I just burst into tears. I sobbed and sobbed,god I am so embarrassed. I knew it was the grief for my mum coming out as I didn't cry the day before,the anniversary of her death. I ended up getting a bit hysterical everything was coming out I just couldn't stop it. Our lady tutor took over and got me to calm down with deep breathing. I managed to get throu the rest of the day. Another thing that my tutor said was to stop punishing the part of me that has been hurt,that I need to take care of her. That really helped me.
However once at home alone again the anxiety returned. I fell asleep on the sofa then woke up with an overwhelming urge to harm myself! It was so bloody scary. I have had these thoughts before but have never acted on them but last night was overwhelming. I text my friend and she was brilliant. Thank god for friends! However while I was lying in bed I remembered what my tutor had said. I realised that we all have different parts of ourselves and I knew the rational part of me could look after the very frightened damaged part of me and that gave me such comfort I just can't tell you. I realised that my rational side of me would let no harm come to me and I had to listen to her. I did have a horrid nightmare about my ex husband but that's. no surprise really.
I've woken up today feeling much calmer although I do have a headache. Another thing I wanted to say was despite my mental health being not so good,with going to the counselling course and seeing a therapist during the week my physical pain has improved. I feel my physical pain is tied up very much with my emotional pain. I think the fibromyalgia happened for a reason,I just had enough I couldn't do anymore so my body shut down. By letting out the emotional stuff in a safe environment is helping me no end. I've been so resistant to it because it's been unbearably painful but maybe just maybe I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.