That's how I feel,am sorry guys who are supporting me but I'm having a horrid morning and feel crippled by anxiety. I'm so so disappointed that I don't think I can carry on with the course,my mental health is awful and after what happened on Saturday I've really crumbled. Everyone is saying carry on with the course but I feel terrified,absoloutely terrified but also feel under pressure to carry on. I spend all week dreading going back on Saturday as it usually sets off a massive anxiety attack that lasts all week. The butterflies in my stomache are awful. I just want to hide under my duvet and not come out. It has been suggested I defer for a year to see if I can get strong again. People say I'm strong but I'm not,I just try to keep going because I have to,I have to be there for my kids. I don't want to let them down. I only have to put a foot wrong and their dad is there in the background ready to condemn me. We are divorced.
Just a bit about my background which might help you to understand why I am like this.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family,my mum was in and out of mental hospitals. I was in a constant state of anxiety trying not to do anything wrong so I didn't upset her. She eventually threw me out at the age of 18 straight into the arms of a very abusive man. I was forced into marrying him andstuck that out until I was 23 and ended up going straight into another relationship with another abusive guy. I had two children with my second husband,I had severe post natal depression with both my kids and ended up in a mother and baby unit. During my second bout of pnd my husband had an affair. It was an awful awful time,how I got threw it I don't know. We split up and divorced,he married the other woman but he carried on with his abusiveness towards me for the next 8 years. I did start my own business,I had a florist shop,I wanted to show him I could be successful(he thought I was a waste of space). It all backfired on me and I became unwell with fibro and had to close my shop and go bankrupt. I eventually ended up in court with my ex trying to take the children from me. He didn't win and he had his access reduced and he wasn't allowed near me anymore. You would think that would make me stronger wouldn't you? But straight after that my mum became gravely ill and died a few months later. We had resolved our upsets years ago but she was always hard to cope with,I was quite frightened of her. When she died I was okish for the first year I had some bereavement counselling and I was focused on sorting out her finances as I was executor in her will. Once that was done I fell apart. I had more counselling and seemed to be improving,it was my counsellor who suggested me doing the counselling course. I wasn't sure but then I thought we'll why not it will give me something to focus on. But all it's doing so far is making me more and more frightened. Actually I'm not allowed to say it made me feel I'm suppossed to say through doing this course I am feeling frightened...........
I honestly don't know what to do and I'm sorry for. Being such a pain. I drive myself mad let alone everyone else.