I feel like a lost cause

That's how I feel,am sorry guys who are supporting me but I'm having a horrid morning and feel crippled by anxiety. I'm so so disappointed that I don't think I can carry on with the course,my mental health is awful and after what happened on Saturday I've really crumbled. Everyone is saying carry on with the course but I feel terrified,absoloutely terrified but also feel under pressure to carry on. I spend all week dreading going back on Saturday as it usually sets off a massive anxiety attack that lasts all week. The butterflies in my stomache are awful. I just want to hide under my duvet and not come out. It has been suggested I defer for a year to see if I can get strong again. People say I'm strong but I'm not,I just try to keep going because I have to,I have to be there for my kids. I don't want to let them down. I only have to put a foot wrong and their dad is there in the background ready to condemn me. We are divorced.

Just a bit about my background which might help you to understand why I am like this.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family,my mum was in and out of mental hospitals. I was in a constant state of anxiety trying not to do anything wrong so I didn't upset her. She eventually threw me out at the age of 18 straight into the arms of a very abusive man. I was forced into marrying him andstuck that out until I was 23 and ended up going straight into another relationship with another abusive guy. I had two children with my second husband,I had severe post natal depression with both my kids and ended up in a mother and baby unit. During my second bout of pnd my husband had an affair. It was an awful awful time,how I got threw it I don't know. We split up and divorced,he married the other woman but he carried on with his abusiveness towards me for the next 8 years. I did start my own business,I had a florist shop,I wanted to show him I could be successful(he thought I was a waste of space). It all backfired on me and I became unwell with fibro and had to close my shop and go bankrupt. I eventually ended up in court with my ex trying to take the children from me. He didn't win and he had his access reduced and he wasn't allowed near me anymore. You would think that would make me stronger wouldn't you? But straight after that my mum became gravely ill and died a few months later. We had resolved our upsets years ago but she was always hard to cope with,I was quite frightened of her. When she died I was okish for the first year I had some bereavement counselling and I was focused on sorting out her finances as I was executor in her will. Once that was done I fell apart. I had more counselling and seemed to be improving,it was my counsellor who suggested me doing the counselling course. I wasn't sure but then I thought we'll why not it will give me something to focus on. But all it's doing so far is making me more and more frightened. Actually I'm not allowed to say it made me feel I'm suppossed to say through doing this course I am feeling frightened...........

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm sorry for. Being such a pain. I drive myself mad let alone everyone else.

11 Replies

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  • Hi,

    I think you need to decide for yourself whether you want to carry on with the course or not, not doctors or councellor pressurising you. They don't know how you feel and to be honest if you are actually becoming frightened it can't be doing you a lot of good.

    You sound like you've had an awful lot to cope with in your life, I have too but nowhere near as bad. An ex boyfriend tried to kill me 23 years ago because I wouldn't marry him (I had a four year old sitting on the stairs listening to what was going on, and 19 month old twins asleep upstairs - none of them his luckily) I was frightened that he would attack the children so I had to just let him slash me with a double sided carving knife.

    Yesterday I was feeling very upset because of the pain and life in general and I thought why didn't he just kill me when he had the chance as he would have saved me a lot of problems later on. So you can see that even after all these years I still haven't really got over it. I think you should start being kind to yourself instead of feeling a failure. Think about what you have achieved instead of what you can't do at the moment. You are not letting anyone down, certainly not your kids as they would probably be horrified if they knew you were putting yourself through this every week because you think that. Could you not do some studying at home for a few weeks to give yourself a break and then get back into it in the new year.

    Please take care of yourself, and think of you for a change

    Love Lynne x

  • First off, cut yourself a little slack. Anxiety can be completely crippling, and the fact that you're managing at all is a tribute to you. I nearly lost everything through my anxiety - it affected my relationship at a particularly important time (my boyfriend's Dad had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer), had me taking on so much at work that I was in a downward spiral, and I was alienating everyone. It takes a lot of strength to fight it, and a lot of help. I know you said that you were having counselling as well as taking the course; what type of counselling are you having? Straight counselling, or CBT? CBT might help with the way you're feeling about the counselling course, as I have found that it helps me to rationalise things a bit.

    Secondly, that course tutor needs a slap! Not that I'm suggesting you give her a slap, but she certainly sounds like she would be better employed tending the dying with a whip. If you can face going back, see how it goes for a second week. If you can't, or if it continues, then you may need to report her behaviour. Maybe her private life is completely screwed up at the moment, and she's taking it out on her students, but it's not acceptable, whatever the reason, to make you feel like this.

    Finally, remember: you're not a pain, or a burden; you're a strong woman who's been to hell and back several times in her life, and needs proper support. I hope that you find it in 'real' life, but you always have it on here.

    Hugs xx

  • I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rotten time. A few years ago, I went to group counselling, there were about 10 of us I suppose with all with different sorts of problems and anxieties.It was called CBT.There was one lady leading the group and each week we concentrated on different things . No doubt, with your counselling course I am sure you are familiar with this. Anyway, one thing that stuck in my mind from these sessions was a remark that the counsellor made when discussing moments of self doubt and anxiety, when we question our own abilities to do stuff that perhaps other people don't even give a second thought. She said " it is worth asking yourself whose voice is it you hear in your head when you criticise yourself ?is it yours or is it someone else that was close to you ? " This remark gave me a lot of food for thought . It sounds as though you have had to cope with rather a lot of people who were critical of you in one way or another and have undermined your self confidence .I suppose we cannot always blame other people for everything .We are captain of our own ship after all.But I do think that our early childhood experiences, which we don't have any control over, shape us and so, to a certain extent, we must not bash ourselves up everytime we think about our limitations or what we perceive to be our limitations. We just do our best for the most part and muddle through, just like everyone else.I think what I am trying to say to you in a clumsy way is, please don't be too hard on yourself. Other people have faith in you , you have run your own business, brought up your children and someone must have seen something in you that made them suggest you do this counselling course.Not everyone is cut out for that. Anyway, I do hope you feel a little better about things soon. This rough patch you are going through will pass.

  • Do not ever let anyone make you feel pressured into doing it. Having the counselling yourself is making your emotions very raw. You have been very brave in continuing so far.

    Prior to fibro, I was going through a really rough spell during my 2nd year. Everyone was willing me to carry on. I tried but could not concentrate on what was happening during lectures and my level started to drop. I along with my course leader discussed the situation and how they could assist me. I then found out that my father was dying.

    I deferred for a few months, so that I could recover. I ended up receiving so much help during this time and when I re-started. My level and results improved immediately as I was mentally ready and determined to pass in memory of my dad.

    I graduated with a 2:1, where I had previously been predicted a 2:2. I was overwhelmed. At graduation, my course leader pulled me aside and said they persisted to help me as they knew I had the potential to be a brilliant social worker as I had passion, was doing it for the right reasons and I would fight for social justice for physical disabilities.

    I was at an awards ceremony yesterday as I had been nominated by my client for 'changing her life'. I assisted a young severely disabled client to move out of her family home into independent living with a full team of workers. I had pleasure in being able to take her to the event.

    I do not do my job for awards, I do it to fight for peoples rights for independence as much as possible, due to my own grandfather having a disability and the injustice he faced years ago. If I receive complements, I won't have them read out in team meetings. It occurred to me yesterday and writing this that I am so happy that I deferred at the time. I did not fail and I went on later to become the strong worker I am now. Although due to fibro now, no longer full time. I still have the same passion and now having a disability myself has increased my will further.

    I hope that if you do make the decision to defer, my positive story will help you not feel you will let anyone down but will give you the determination to achieve when you feel ready to start up again.

    You have been through so much both now and in your history, that I am sure you will be a brilliant counsellor in the future that has passion in what you are doing.

    Good luck with everything.

    Jo

  • I feel for you, I have had very similar past and I am waiting to go to PMP clinic this week, Im dreading it, I havent had to pay either. I have also worked at florists. I had a mentally ill mum and abusive ex, who harassed me for 9 years after we finished. I am not too bad today but tomorrow I could be feeling suicidal, try and rest and not worry, sod the housework and sod everyone thats what Im beginning to do, I dont feel so guilty now I know I have Fibro, its an illness that no one understands so I dont bother trying to convince anyone anymore, I know my limits and I believe I have done everything I can to help myself. Not had good exp with GPs or Benefits, its a hard world and I struggle, but Im determined, I am lonely because no one wants to listen to you moaning so I dont bother anymore. Hope your feeling better soon Sue x

  • Hey Teddysmum,

    It sounds like you're having a really difficult time and I'd reiterate Daphne and SootyB in how important it is to be kind to yourself. Generally, most of us would never be so hard on anyone else as we are on ourselves. I've also found CBT to be helpful in the past, I think because it's quite a practical form of counselling but do remember also that just because someone is leading a course, no matter what their credentials, it doesn't automatically imply they're good or effective at what they do ( I knew of 2 uni lecturers in psychology and counselling that I wouldn't have gone near with a barge pole, whatever their academic prowess showed) and how many people abandon counselling sessions because they don't feel able to talk to the counsellor.

    Even on my social work course I found myself telling the course leaders that they needed to ensure support networks were in place when they seemed to insist on 'undoing' people but didn't help to put the lid back on again.

    Sometimes I've had to talk to myself and try to think what I'd say to a friend in the same situation, and it's always a million times better and more constructive than what i say to myself. You're also a survivor, it seems you were a young carer and so you have a wealth of inner strength, just allow yourself some deep breaths and space to review what is in your best interests, and do be as kind to yourself as you'd be to your loved ones.

    ((hugs))

    Shads xx

  • Well you sure have some wonderful advice from every one and I would just like to say you are the most important in all of this. So if you need to have pause till after Christmas Go for it dont let it become a massive problem!

    Courage take care be positive xgins

  • try 30 days with no caffeine or alcohol - anxiety will go up for first week or so, as you withdraw, then fall a lot - you may find your anxiety is caused/exacerbated by them - best wishes

    (see caffeineevaluation.blogspot...

    and the comments here coffeefaq.com/site/node/11)

  • Thanks everyone.JC I am already caffeine free and I hardly drink alcohol at all. I have written another blog for today as I'm feeling stronger. I can't take a break short term from the counselling,I could only defer for a year. I do appreciate you all replying it means a lot xx

  • It's our pleasure TM, we are always here for you, as we are for everyone! :) xxx

  • I can relate to your past up to the pnd, I never had that and I am sorry you did. You are not a pain but you are in pain and there is a big difference. If you feel it is right you should defer then defer. I see no point in continuing something that is making you unhappy and therefore triggering a multitude of other problems for you. You are strong, you must be to come on here and say what you feel, and you support others on here too and there is a lot to be said for that. Whatever you decide to do we are here FOR you, not to condemn you xxxxx

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