Just feel like I need to get it off my chest!!

I've been in bed on and off for the last 4 months, had a good spell a couple of weeks ago when I first started takin gabapentin but that soon went away, now i'm back in bed with the worst fatigue I've ever had, seems to get even worse with every flare I have, I've noticed I've gotten much worse since my daughter and granddaughter moved back in with me when she split from her boyfriend in January this year.

I was doing great with the pacing myself and resting when my body told me to but my daughter is very lazy, shes a good mother but terrible at cleaning up after herself and baby so its left to me, shes also a typical teenage gobs****! which is stressing me out, if i mention anything about cleaning up after herself she goes off on one about coping with the baby and shes not always got time (she seems to think ive never had kids and a home I had to clean) so probly something to do with stress from that and feeling like my home isn't mine anymore.

I'm struggling badly to keep up with the housework because as soon as I've cleaned she wrecks it within minutes, my house never looks tidy anymore, she doesn't understand how Fibro and M.E affect me and puts on me all the time, I've tried speaking to her but I just get "WOTEVER" and she storms off, she thinks I'm always having a go at her, I'm not I'm just trying to make her understand how her not helping me with the mess she makes puts me back in bed because I'm doing too much, might as well be talking to the wall she doesn't give a s&*t

Its so disheartening when I've struggled so hard to keep my house clean and tidy and then I come downstairs to find all my hard work ruined, i used to only clean a couple of times a week and potter around the rest of the time if I felt ok to but now I'm cleaning everyday and if I miss a day because I'm too tired or hurting its twice as hard to catch up with the day after.

I used to love doing things for my mum, she had her own business and didnt get home till 9pm so I used to make tea and clean the house for her and goto school or work and look after my horse, kids are so lazy and selfish these days.

I can't ask her to leave as she has nowhere to go and I couldn't do that anyway I'd feel guilty, so now I'm just waiting for her to get her own place which could be a while and dont know how I'm going to cope in the meantime, I know it sounds silly but its really beginning to get me down in the dumps.

Irene x

13 Replies

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  • I can imagine, from a girl who has OCD with cleaning and making sure everything is tidy I can fully understand where you are coming from.

    I am not sure what the options are, could you write your daughter a letter telling her exactly how you feel. Sometimes if you write things down, you remember more and it can be mre structured as you don't get interrupted by the other person speaking and butting in.

    It is also very easy for voices to be raised as there are differences of opinion.

    For the sake of your health can you try and turn a blind eye to some of the untidyness??

    Good luck xx

  • hi irene.. diane here...

    im very much very the same as you but with no baby but to extra adults.. my eldest son is 25 next son is 20 and my daughter is 18 all still living at home.. my husband works full time but he helps with housework as soon as he comes home.. they can all be in the livingroom watching tv.. and watch either me or my husband struggle to tidy up after them... my sister has had a word with them.. a friend has.. WE have... but to no avail...there spoilt and i can only blame ourselfs... they are lovely kids.. all working... did well at school have lots of good nice friends.. would do anything for anyone.. but if we ask.. its.. they all start saying.. she has not done it.. he has not done it. then why should i..they dont even take the dog out, for which we have had for 10 years.. the old thing of.. they wanted one and would honest take her out.. because of my firbo and ME i am unable to take her now.. so its again left to my husband...

    my sister and i keep saying to them.. u were not brought up in a dirty house so why would u watch someone struggling and not help...

    i could be in my bed for days like u, with pain and severe fatigue, and they would cook there own food, but leave all the mess and dishes.. so i am really sorry i cant help u with ur trouble, people would say.. throw them out.. but i am the biggest softy ever and would be so scared incase they would never talk to me again...

    wishing you all the best

    from...... another struggling mother xx

  • Can I make a suggestion?

    How about she pays you some rent and out of that you hire a cleaner?

    Saves the arguments I think. I am not a mum but do understand how hard it is to say no, especially when the other party throws a tantrum.

    However....THIS IS YOUR HEALTH WE ARE TALKING ABOUT HERE.

    What she is doing is selfish and uncaring. If she argues about giving rent, then you will have to say I'm sorry, its making me ill, you need to look for your own place. Tell her you will always love her and support her, but not at the expense of your own health. If she is old enough to have a baby, she is old enough to act like an adult.

    Hope I havent spoken out of turn, but I am concerned for your health.

    love to you x

  • i have to say i have been in that position and did just that ,, they get over their strops ,, its that or end up more ill ,, xxx

  • Sorry, another point, but what doseage of gabapentin are you on? I was started at 300mg which worked for a couple of weeks, then I have gradually increased the dose to 1500mg. I have been weaned onto this doe by my specialist, but each time the new dose would work for a while, then the pain would come back so the dose was increased again. 1500mg is still not working all the time and I can go to 1800mg next time which I might well do, but the pain is controllable - not gone, but tolerable just.

    Just might mean you have to be weaned to a higher dose is all xx

  • same here we coped because we had to in some ways i think it made me a better person x

  • hi sorry to hear you are having a rough time buy your daughter is so lucky to have a roof over her head witht he baby too i would do like you but you have to dont you but she should contribute to the house both financially and doing the house work etc after all when she does get her own place she will have todo it if i were you one evning when baby has gone down make you both a cuppa and say you want a chat get a bit of paper and between you write out a rota explain about your illness etc and hopefully that will do the trick love to you diddle x

  • is it possible you could have family mediation through social services, this was suggested to me and my family by my social worker, it then gives everyone one a chance to voice their problems

  • Hi

    Everyone above is right, my son is 21 and so messy, i am stressing out at him and his untidiness at home, my daughters dont live with me and causes me all sorts stress but at the end of the day i can not answer the phone to them but my son (dont get me wrong he is funny, charming and a grafter (at work) and i love him to bits) but he wont listen to me when i try explaining how i feel, and soon as i tidy its messed up within seconds so now i have given him chores (even at 21) he pays me rent for his room and towards the gas/electric each month and as he doesnt treat me or my house or things respectfully for now i am going to put up house rules and if he dont like it he can leave by the front or back door his choice. After summer (lots going on til then) I am going to suggest him and his friends try to houseshare as the stress of seeing my house a mess all the time, starts my flare ups.

    You have to be strict its the only way they are not going to walk over you. Believe me i know how hard it is when they have a tantrum at you, you just want peace so you give in. Please dont if you dont want it to get too bad.

    Hope you get it sorted.

    Hugs for you xx

  • Hi Irene

    I so feel for you and know exactly how you feel. I have my 23 year old living with me and my partner and he is solazy,spends all day on his xbox,never does his dishes,leaves wrappers,cans coats etc on floor or just thrown down,expects me to run round after him and i feel like telling him to buck his ideas up but i dont want it turning into a argument as it will only make me stressed and washed out.

    I dont want to have to tell him to pull his weight,but when im tired he says im lazy,and i feel like giving him a clip on ear,makes me so frustrated and angry that all he wants to do is play on a bloody xbox when he comes home from his girlfriends after 2 weeks,stays with us for 3 then goes again.

    I love my kids to bits,but jeez he's so hard to explain and talk to at times,so i do feel for you hun and wish you well,i hope everything improves with your daughter hun.

    Hugs to you. xxxJules

  • WOW! that sounds just the same as I am going through. My daughter, 8 year old granson and 5 year old grandaughter have moved in with us as she has split with her husband. I have only recently been diagnosed and I'm feeling terrible. My daughter is also very lazy and sits on the computer nearly all day. I am very house proud and hate the mess. I also find the noise from the kids unbearable when they are playing. They have been here 3 months now and I have definately gone down hill.

  • thanks for all your replies everyone,

    not been online for 4 days, got family over from jersey, I didnt have to do a thing, i refused to go downstairs for a couple of days and it seems to have worked, she knows why im fed up shes not stupid and i must say she has been pulling her weight, how long it lasts i dont know lol, its not perfect but its a start, you'd think she'd understand with having her own place for a year, she had to do it there but expected me to do it here.

    anyway thanks again, if standards start to drop again, I will deffinately look back on this post and try a few of your suggestions.

    Thanks Irene x

  • I really feel for you. My daughter lives in the annex next door to me and my partner but still comes into our house and uses the bath as she only has a shower in hers. I don't mind but she leaves wet towels all over the floor all her hair stuff laying around and just doesn't think. She 21 and works full time. But my other daughter comes round with my grandson and when she leaves it's like a tornado has been thru my house. She baths the baby and again leaves all wet towels on the floor.

    I don't often ask for help but at times I've no energy to do the basics. Without talking out of turn, I would sit her down and calmly say this is not working, you love her and your granddaughter but your just not well enough to cope.

    And give her say 3 months and she has to make alternative arrangements. Is there not another relative that can help out? It shouldn't be put on you. And I'm afraid with a shitty attitude she would be out the door. But I know it's hard as my two take the pee out of me all the time.

    Good luck. Xxxxxx

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