Cruel illness

Im a 46 year old lady who has had many health problems and stress in my life but I dont know if fibromyalgia is linked. I am a strong person, I have had to be and this illness has knocked me sideways. I grew up and was sexually abused for years has a child, then I spoke out asked for help only for my mum to go and have a nervous breakdown. Ended up in care and when I got back home but my Mum was never the same, cold and uncaring, so I brought myself up really. I married the first real boyfriend I had who turned into a raging alcoholic, he made my life miserable and I left on New years eve with bin bags of clothes and went into a womens refuge with my 3 daughters aged 13, 8 and 3 at the time. I have always tried to do the right thing but being kind and honest and quiet doesnt get you heard. I am too soft and end up being walked all over. I have so much I could tell you but I'll be here all week. At present I wake up with severe back pain and I cant do anything until the pain killers work. Im not sleeping im not concentrating, I am like a zombie most days and a trip to the shop is too much has my pain is so bad when I try to walk. So I stay in, and rest and rest and pity myself. I have trapped nerves in my neck and I constantly have numb legs and hands. Im going through the change at 46(hot flushes daily) a little early but its due to my hysterectomy I had in my 30's and that was cos I had a prolapsed womb after the birth of my 2nd daughter. I slipped a disc in my 30's too but I learned to manage through it. My body feels wrecked and Im weary. I got my 3rd DLA appeal next month and I am starting to feel stressed about it because my last two went bad and made me look like I was lying, I was told I couIdnt claim again unless there was anything legally wrong with what the Judges decided but they lied about me, they said I walked in slowly and when I returned for the decision, I got up out my chair fast and walked out the room quickly, I never even went back in for the decision my rep did. It made me feel upset and angry and when I pointed this out my rep said I wouldnt bother complaining because nothing will change. So unfair. I know I cant work, so how do I manage, I have worked all my life and I loved my last Job, (was there 12 years) and I couldnt get ill health retirement because the doctors were so slow in diagnosing me. I think the violence by my ex husband didnt help, he would terrorise me and kick me in my backand punch me, I was so scared and weak and vunerable. I wish there was real magic wands, I would make a spell to free me of pain and tiredness and have some quality times again. I miss life. Im a nice person, just lack confidence and alot of people just dont get me. I seem to be alone more and more because I cant socialise and I just feel like its a cruel world xx

9 Replies

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  • I was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease and Fybromyalgia by the specialist at the neurosurgeon and told they could not operate. I have been quite serious with pain since 2008. forgot to say. Fibro foggy days x

  • Hello love, you sound like I feel only without the sexual abuse. I have anxiety and depression and Scoliosis. In Pain all the time and living alone with my 2 cats now. I am awaiting blood test results for whatever they look for in Fybromyalgia. If you are new on here welcome, xxxx

  • Thanks for your comment, Im sorry to hear your suffering too. The specialist told me that I have 16 out of 18 tender points in certain areas, there is map I think but dont know how you would find it. But I still have to appeal for ESA it didnt seem to be enough to qualify?

  • Hi, You sound like a really lovely lady i was quite overwhelmed reading your blog and i wish i knew what to say, value yourself and realise your own self worth Fibro and all that comes with it does indeed make it a cruel illness thankfully we can help and support one another on here, sending big soft and gentle hugs your way Love Della xxx

  • Hi, you sound just like me too though I was brought up in a house where alcohol ruled the day, very abusive but in a different way....one failed marraige with three children also involved. I have gone on to remarry 'very happily 17 years' two more children and appart from my health all is great.

    Have you got supprt from anyone, family or children or maybe even the church? Not sure what sort of community you live in but is there any clubs that you could join? I think its easy to fall into a situation where we just stop having a life and joining in with things. Is there a charity shop where you could offer some time, even an hour will give you such a boost...I worked for one of the national charities for 6 1/2 years as a volunteer and it was one of the most rewarding times of my life, once I retire I will be back there like a shot....I'm the same age as you are btw.

    You sound like a lovely person who needs a bit of help and support and I am sure if you seek some outside help then you will soon be able to feel better about life xx

  • Hi omg I was so moved when I read your post you've had some very harrowing experiences throughout your life have'nt you? The main thing that struck me after reading your story is just how much of a survivor you are; your strenght is amazing!! Im very sadden that you have been a victim of sexual abuse and I trully believe that this trauma can be a trigger for fibro, there are several organisations in the uk which can help you address this issue by offering counselling and facilitating support groups; if you havent already I urge you to contact them. I agree with some of the other posters who have advised you to consider donating some spare time to helpiing a charity; volunteering can give you a sense of pride and purpose and can reduce feelings of isolation and as you are a volunteer you can choose and control the amount of time you give. I too suffered sexual abuse as a child and like you went into an abusive marriage which I thankfully escaped, i went to counselling for a few yrs to address these issues and credit talk therapy for saving my sanity and making me stronger and wiser in regards to what I want and deserve in a relationship. I will pray that you reach a place of peace and contentment in your life and will be able to move on from your past into a better future.

    God bless and comfort & care for you

    Dixie xxx

  • Aww thank you for your kind comments, I couldnt do any work at the moment but I hope too, especially volunteering. Im trying to sort my head out and sometimes the pain causes me to dwell on things and I have always been insecure, I was on my own for 6 years bringing my 3 daughters up. They have done ok considering, but I dont want to burden them. I was also lucky to meet someone again, and he is 13 years younger than me. He gets frustrated with me though, but its only because he doesnt understand this illness. We have been together nearly 7 years now so we must be doing something right. He makes me laugh and that helps alot too x x

  • I read your story (filled me up).. so much to say about my life to .and I to would be here all day! But mine is not the same as yours in some aspects (hope you understand what I mean?) So happy for you to be with someone again.I have been widowed nearly 8 yrs.and not found any one else, my late husband was disabled through a accident at 18.we were together then, I met him when I was 15 and a half he was nearly 17 I stood by him cos I loved him we got married had 3 sons.life was a struggle at times.his health got worse as he got older.then at 50 was diagnosed with prostate cancer (life can b so cruel)..his cancer went to his liver he died at 54...and all that time I was suffering with my Arthritis.working part time as well.looking after family, house etc worrying about my father in law who had cancer as well.and my late mum..cos I am a worrier!.I got on with my life.(no choice ) worked more hours.had a knee replacement 3yrs ago,but things seem to have gone down since then..good thing is I retire next sept.but would still like to do some work..fingers crossed.Have just started Amitriptyline, used this be for but did not stay long on it..just need some decent sleep!..Think I will stop now,cos i might get boring..lol xx..((HUGS))

  • Im sorry to hear how hard life has been for you too, but we have to be strong, its just a shame we have to get this cruel illness because life is hard as it is. I hope you sleep better, I too have recently started Amitriptyline because I need better sleep, Im too scared to take them sometimes though, I like to be alert and Ive been on strong medication for years now. Just love to have a clear head. Take care xx

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