Left Devastated:-(

Hi, I havnt posted on here before, but wanted to share. My fiancé has just left me and walked out of my life because he says "he cant cope with my illness"!! (FIBROMYALGIA AND ARTHRITIS OF THE NECK AND SPINE) when in the last 6 months I have helped and supported him through depression, and he has not helped himself, he made such a fuss about me taking anti-depressants and Gabbapentin for pain coz they altered my mood, so I stopped taking them1 and although I had a bad time initially I did a lot to improve myself, ive recently completed a pain management program, been for CBT and started an exercise regime and I have felt really good, but the last few weeks the exercise has really aggravated my Fibro and im in constant pain, my ex fiancé claims to have been my carer when in fact he did nothing for me and has made more of an issue of it that I do, I realise the relationship was wrong now, but it dosnt stop me hurting and feeling let down, that I have helped him through numerous problems and issues, but he couldn't care for me. I have lots of friends helping me through and im doing ok, but I do feel very alone at the moment too and have lost all faith in men! I just wanted to share this and perhaps make some new friends that understand:-)

Hope I didn't ramble on too much!

33 Replies

  • Hi and welcome to the forum... Having been in a relationship in my early 20s when I was diagnosed with fibro and the relationship crumbled for many reasons but fibro was included in the mix as I worked and was in bed by 9pm at night I can sympathise

    All I can say is do what is best for you you don't need your ex stressing you you say you have support from friends and I hope family so spend time with positive people who will help you and chat to your GP about the best meds for you.... If exercise has made you feel worse stop it for a short while or tone it down to suit you..

    I understand completely your lack of faith in men.... But ... Wait for it .... gardaqueen....... ( joke about me setting up a fibro dating site)

    I met my OH three years into fibro Plus i now have arthritis in my neck and other places..And we have been together 20 years this year we have a son and life except for the pain couldn't be better...

    So never say never...

    VG x

  • hi, thanks for your reply, yes im trying to stay positive and have lovely friends, my GP isn't very sympathetic to be honest! everything you say is right, the exercise I have toned down and im gradually introducing it again slowly. You made me laugh coz I was only thinking along the same lines of a dating site for Fibro the other day! but I think I will just concentrate on myself for the time being.


    x x x

  • Hi Tracey, So sorry to hear your plight. I don't know if other men find it difficult to cope with this illness, mine does but he never says I am imagining it (some doctors like yours think it's all in the mind) . It sounds like you have done everything to help yourself. I hope you can get some support, how are your family with this?. You will find great support on this site, it's invaluable to many of us. Keep strong, you are right to concentrate on yourself for a change.xx

  • Thank you Wednesday, I have a few other friends who's partners arnt able to deal with their illness's, I was diagnosed by a consultant, its just the GP isn't really supportive, although a few yrs back he did say to me, (its just a phase your going through), I only really have one family member who im close too who is supportive and my son is too, yes im looking forward to usin g this site x x x

  • Hi Tracey,

    Inevitably you will hurt for a few weeks, but just keep telling yourself how lucky you are to have got rid of such a waste of space!

    I doubt if it was all that much to do with your illness - some people just don't have enough love in them to weather any storm, and such storms happen to everyone - even those in rude health!

    He was obviously only concerned with his own welfare, and did you really want to be lumbered with his problems for the foreseeable future? No, of course you didn't!

    Tell everyone you know that you kicked him out 'cos you couldn't stand his whinging :D

    That might have happened eventually - who knows, but make yourself believe it. Please don't think 'devastated', think 'very p*ssed off, but rather relieved'

    I guess you got used to having him around, so he's left a big gap, but it doesn't sound to me as though he added much to the quality of your days. Fill that gap with happy things, and people who add value to your life. Don't search for understanding - with true friends that will come built-in with the deal.

    This upset has naturally made you suspicious of men, but that's not always a bad thing - just keep 'em at arm's length until you get to know them.

    All the best for the future, my dear. Rest up and get yourself together to suit YOU - not anyone else, and you will soon be laughing and glad that you got out of such a destructive and one-sided affair.

    Moffy x

  • I am so sorry you are having to cope with this situation on too of your fibro, You have done all the right things to manage your fibro, so kudos to you for that :-) now you are having a flare up and my feeling is that if he can't cope with you and help you through this, then maybe he isn't right for you anyway. You will find a great deal of help and support here - I have a friend who has just lost her OH due to his inability to cope with her illness, I do so hope you will find family and friends who will help you through this, you need to take care of you and do what is best for you.

    Sending healing thoughts your way

    Foggy x

  • thanks Moffy, so spot on with all you said, yes I do feell like there is a gap in my life, but am determined to fight back, if anything this has me me stronger and even more determined!

    ME ME ME!!! is what its about now :-D x x x

  • You go, Girl! xxx

  • Hugs. And yes, it should be about you now :-). Glad to hear you are fighting back :-)



  • i think what hurts the most is that for 2yrs ive dealt with his numerous mental health issues and depression, and lots of problems (too many to mention) and I stood by him and supported him!! but hey-ho he isn't the right person for me, I know that that now. Thank you all for your positive comments and thoughts :-) x x

  • Wow he really needed to be kicked into touch didn't he!!

    What a poor excuse for a human being, your best rid aren't you.

    I think once you are over the initial hurt and shock, you will go from strength to strength.

    And one day meet someone who loves you just for being you.

    But for now give men a wide berth and just concentrate on rebuilding your confidence

    And loving yourself a bit more.

    Bibi xx

  • Thank you Bibi, yes time for me now.

    Tracey x x

  • Hi Fibro Tracey,,,

    I am sorry to hear what's happening to you at this present time. I want to say also ,, please don't feel bad for thinking you haven't the right to moan at him about pain or anything to do with your illness. Your only human. If he claims to have been your carer,, where's the care? I hope I don't sound too unsympathetic towards him.

    My boyfriend has moved out and got a flat for much the same. I don't care, I also supported him financially whist I was on a good wage, the wage isn't here now as I've lost my job, I need the care now and financial support and now I'm on my own. I was upset, but some things have become more clear to me in my head.

    I don't care, I love it.

    There's only me and my daughter now. Hardly any housework less money, but more space on the washing line and plenty of milk in the fridge. I share my bed with my little cat, I have more bed space and sleep better. My daughter leaves me to lay in and brings me a cup if tea in the morning . I have all this bed space and I get up in the morning to a tidy house I don't need to fight for bathroom and enjoy just sitting with my daughter on an evening. Yes I miss him , but I count my blessings .

    Youil be down for sometime , to be honest I was ok after a week. I realised how much I actually did for him, I am the poorly one but seems I was also the housekeeper, cook, cleaner . Mmmm , seems it was never on a even keel.

    my daughter and I do the housework together and I've soooo much more other time now . I relax more and feel better in myself. My thoughts are not as confused , I always spoke to you guys on here anyways , so it's no difference.

    We are always here fir you , please let us know how your getting on,,, love Jo x

  • Don't think that because your ill, that you may not be so appealing to fellas, I will tell you that's not the case, I hardly go out but when I do I get chatted up , even if I say I have a condition and spend a lot of time visiting the hospital. It doesn't seem to put men off. Not that I'm interested I'm not I'm happy here with my daughter and my two two lovely cats. I'm having a great time. Even though I have no money , I have all the love I need right here in my home.

    Get sky tv if you can afford it, what my saying you may have it already , there's some great stuff on there. Great entertainment , I've taken up knitting dog coats to sell on ebay,to make some money . I have all this time I never had before.

    I cancelled my sky when I lost my job but I watch my favourite stuff online I still have Internet . I know it will be strange without him fr sometime. Main thing is to focus on other things that will enrich your life, you fit life round fibro, you. Can't fit fibro around his. Hope that made sense I kinda know what I meant to say. It's like having a new baby ,, fibro takes over everything. If people don't understand we'll that's too bad for them.

    I have a way of dealing with things,, I think and say to myself in my head this sentence ,, it's a self centred one but works for me.

    You chill out , relax, your extremely important and don't need the stress.

    That's my sentence ,, then I think calming thoughts, pick up a book and. Do feel better...

    So sorry bunny your having this sad time. Please don't forget, I'm here ,, were all here,, your fibro buddies x

  • Hi Jo, thank you so much for your thoughts, and everything you've said is true, chief cook, bottle washer, picker upper from work, taxi service, best friend, supporter and his strength!! well no more, yes I spent 2 weeks crying, but im so over it now, like you said a bed to myself and house (which I do actually like), less work, less stress! yes its brill, oh im not totally alone, I have 2 house bunnies who I love to bits, I have 2 sons, one of which is profoundly disabled, and my other son calls in when he can, "you know what lads are like"!! I have wonderful friends and now ive found a whole lot more friends on here, im staying positive despite my physical pain at the moment, my mantra is tomorrow is another day!

    Thanks Jo

    love Tracey x x x

  • Oh and by the way Jo, I do have Sky, and I love it, I think I would die without my Sky plus and my planner!! lol....and I did used to get moaned at for watching too much telly!! now I can watch to my hearts content :-) x x

  • Like Very Grumpy said, never say never because you just don't know what special man may be waiting around the corner for you. I spent 23 years with a man who abused me in every sense of the word, physically, emotionally, and financially. I walked away with 3 children and 1 bin bag of clothes, that's all I was allowed to take. I spent 2 years on my own with my children just getting to know myself and promising myself I would never trust another man. I then met a wonderful man on an internet dating site, we have now been together 9 years and married for 6. Two years after meeting him I was in a car crash and everything health wise started to go downhill from there (Lumbar Spondylosis, Fibro, Arthritis, IBS, Bladder Incontinence, Plantar Facititis, Suspected Meneries disease). But he has been absolutely brilliant. He not only cares for me, does all the cooking, massages my aches and pains and ferry me about when I am to exhausted or in pain to drive, but he is not in the least bit embarrassed about it. He sat me down in the supermarket one day and rubbed my feet as they were aching so much.

    I thank god every day. So don't give up on men, there truly are some wonderful ones out there.

  • Hi shaz, you have been through it hun, but sounds like you have a wonderful man there, I know they're not all bad, im going to spend some time on my own for a while, if this has done one thing for me, it has made me a stronger and more positive person and that's the way im going to stay.

    Tracey x x x

  • Men eh! Can't live with them, can't live without them! Time for yourself now........and you get the remote control all to yourself! Seriously tho' it's better that you know where you stand. And better that he made the decision to go now. From here on its your life, your decisions your time. Live it!

  • Hi Cat,

    Thank you hun, and I intend to do just that.

    x x x x

  • Hi Tracey,

    There is plenty of support on here when you need it and one thing that has to be said is never ever feel a burden to anyone who offers to help as they would not offer in 1st place .

    Relationships can be odd even for those of us who have got supportive OH's because something's can be challenging and can push buttons.

    My 1st relationship broke down due to physical verbal and mental abuse and so much more and 3 children but strength took me away for my very young childrens sake and calling bluff and I am still here to tell the tale and Then some one much better who walked into my ready made family and I had severe post natal depression and he helped me through it and its been very tough but 16 and half yrs later we still here and I have said to him if he wanted to walk away he can but he thinks those words should be banned from me .

    So my point and words to you are you are worth much more and any signs of a man who cannot cope is not worthy as your the one with the issues.

    So think of number 1 and what will be will be.

    If I was alone it would not bother me either as I am independent so all this help I get is also tough because I am used to doing it all and looking after them .

    But as of days am having it shows how much I appreciate the help.

    Your partner never appreciated what you did for him or he would be helping you!!

    A very warm welcome to you


    Caroline xxxxxx

  • Hi Caroline, I am also quite independent too, but the support and care from my ex would have been nice from time to time, but hey-ho, no dwelling on the past, whats done is done, what will be will be, im quite happy on my own, its just strange getting use to it once again when you've spent so much time and effort on someone and living a lie because that person tells you over and over that they love you but then can just walk away like that!.........onwards and upwards.

    Thank You

    Tracey x x x

  • Hello Tracey,

    Please don't let this so called man make you feel bad, this is not your fault it's his, he is the one who can't cope and it sounds to me that your better off without him. As others have said you don't need that type of person in your life, use your energy on YOU!

    I totally understand how you are feeling, I went through the same thing last Oct.

    My fiancée said that she couldn't cope with my illness and its effects any more. We'd been together 6 yrs, engaged for 3 due to get married this year

    She met me with Fibro and CFS/ME (so its not like it was something that had changed during our relationship). So she packed up and moved out. Let a huge gap and hurt like hell (still does at times)

    However like your ex it was her problem not mine, just like it's not yours.

    "THEY can't cope with OUR illness" Its a cop out.

    Focus on you, be kind to yourself, do things that make you smile,

    SPOIL yourself.

    Think of all the extra energy you'll have now that your not using it up on him :)

    Sounds like you have some good friends, friend do help.

    Finally can I also say, not all men are like that, don't give up on all men because of an idiot, some of us are decent people. I don't judge all women by my ex's standards hehe.

    I hope today finds you a little better than yesterday.


  • Hi Drew, Im sorry to hear your story too and like yourself my ex knew all about my FMS and CFS and Arthritis before we entered into our relationship. And yes he is the one with the problem(s) not me, when you love someone you are supposed to love them unconditionally warts and all, take the good with the bad, and what also hurts is that he is totally ignorant and has twisted all the problems to be mine, when in actual fact they are his!! he made the issue out of my illness not me, and yes it is a cop out!

    I know not all men are like this just like not are women are either. "I will survive":-).


    Tracey x x

  • Yes you will Tracey, and i'm sure you'll come out of this stronger :

    Keep smiling :)


  • Hello sweets.sorry to hear your not having a good time.our illness is something we cope with better than those around us,its strange way of things...your better off without him.my man didnt get it and struggled.he gets it now but after i forced him to research fibro...stay strong and stay in touch.xxx

  • Souds as though it was the best thing to happen when he left, although it's a hard at the time. Yoou don't need oxygen bandits like this! Pleased to hear you've got good friends. It might be an idea to change your GP. Good luck with everything. Becky. X

  • Hi FibroTracey, wow that is just not on. It seems that he was just not cut out to be the caring type. Selfishness seems to be the way of some people and then you find that one person who will stick with you no matter what. Keep your chin up and you will find that one special person who is meant to be your 'hero' and he will love you no matter what happens in the future. Gentle hugs xxx

  • Hi Yorkielover, thank you for your kind words, my turn to be selfish now and think about number one for a while!:-) and yes im sure my knight in shining armour is out there somewhere:-)

    Gentle hugs x x

  • Sorry but its time to move on. Time to get to know yourself without interfearence. Sorry I didnt mean to sound harsh, im really quite caring, but I think you shouldnt waste another minute on that man, this is your time now, get to know about yourself. What works and what doesnt,time to make a future for yourself, good luck hun, I hope your life turns around for you xxx

  • Thank you Julie, im already over it hun, LOL x x

  • Hi Tracey

    So sorry to read your problems,

    I am just a bloke but when my wife has had her problems I have supported her and she has with mine, this is what caring couples do so sorry to say it but you have to be better off without him as he js one of those people in life where if it is going their way all is fine but as soon as things get a bit difficult they just up and leave - they are the parasites who live off of people. (I don't mean to disrespect him really as I do not know him but to do this to you at a time when you need him just says it all to me, sorry)

    I can't say I know how you feel but hopefully this will end up as a blip in the past.

    As you can see there are lots of understanding people here and when you want a rant we all understand.

    Take care and kindest regards


  • Hi Terry, ah thank you for saying that, but it is in fact true what you say, and I don't want to tar all blokes with the same brush because I know there are some caring people out there, and you sound like one of them, and you and your wife are lucky to have each other, cause after all like you say, that's what you do for one another that's what a relationship or marriage is all about. Im getting there and its took me a while but I know what everyone says is right, I can see that now, and such lovely support on here too.

    Thanks again


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