DISCLAIMER: INCLUDES TALK OF POSSIBLE SELF HARM, SUICIDE AND A LONG WHINGE - SORRY BUT I NEED TO GET IT OUT. IF THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DELETE. THANK YOU.
I am lucky as I have the best husband, a wonderful Carer who is also a long term friend and a Step Mum, who doesn't really understand the condition and my other health conditions, but is always there and never judges me.
My Biological Mother also has many physical conditions including Fibro but I cannot talk to her about it as she just says to push through it. I have tried that but I am obviously not as strong a character as her.
I am in bed again after a busy day yesterday. I have an ongoing flare and I don't know when I wake up, if I sleep, what the day is going to bring.
I have a few hobbies that I am trying to hold onto however even those are getting harder to achieve. I want to make my time useful and fulfilling however I try and do something and then the next day the Pain Monster rears its ugly head and just goes and kicks my butt.
My husband and I have been together, on and off since 1994, and friends since 1990 and he has been by my side through a hysterectomy, my Dad dying of Cancer and now the Fibro, with all the additional issues that brings and Degenerative Disc Disease. We will have been married for 5 years this October and he has stuck by his wedding vows i had a hysterectomy at 28 after various miscarriages so i have no children. I now see this as a thankful thing as I would feel so guilty if my child had to be a Carer for me. The worst thing for him (and me) is a serious lack of sex life. I cannot have sex due to a buggered up hysterectomy which brought on Atrophy of the Vagina. Even getting aroused hurts. In 5 years we have had sex, or attempted to have sex, about 5 times but it always ends in tears and apologies from me and him feeling guilty for hurting me. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done. I am on the highest dose of HRT which usually solves this problem. I don't know why he stays with me. He works 12 hour days and then has to come home to cooking, cleaning etc. He is my rock but he deserves better.
I am seeing a Psychologist fortnightly to help me through the mental issues that come with the physical issues and also to help me make sense of problems I had growing up.
I am 43 but my brain is still in its 20's and wants to go clubbing and to the pub and party all night however I find myself having to cancel arrangements time and time again as I just don't know how I am going to feel on a specific day.
Hence the title of this Blog. I have tried to kill myself and failed. I feel paranoid that people don't believe I am ill. I am one of the lucky ones in that I have a Blue Badge, however I feel I am being judged every time I get out of the car. If I had £5 for every look that says 'why is she parking there!' I would be a lot richer than I am! I try and use humour as that is how my Dad got through his Cancer but somedays even that doesn't work.
I am sure this will be read and there will be differing opinions however I am tired of just existing. I have tried to do the pacing and gentle exercise and coped better until a thoracic disc buggered up.
There isn't really an ending to this Blog entry but I just needed to write and get this out of my head. Thanks for allowing that.
I hope you are all having as good a day as possible.