Feeling drained: Anyone else on here... - Fibromyalgia Acti...

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Feeling drained

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt

Anyone else on here feeling sorry for themselves or is it only me.Spent last two days like everyone else. Up at 5, as usual, and started on Xmas dinner. Lovely dinner with OH, then after clearing up, a lazy rest of day. Really quite enjoyable. It is difficult having conversations sometimes with his dementia. But pleasant none the less.Today pacing myself, moving furniture and preparing buffet for 9 this evening. All went well. All departed. Me and OH cleared up , and now I am ready for bed. Totally drained.. But not before I have had a long weep. My own fault. Feel totally taken for granted and regret to say envious that my daughter's mother in law has spent yet another Xmas with them, and then with us today, with everyone showing concern about how she is and waiting on her hand and foot. I said last year I wasn't going to do it again this year, but I have. If I hadn't done, I wouldn't have seen my family at all.I always seem to be doing the giving and don't feel it is appreciated or reciprocated, and feel totally taken for granted, when I could use a bit of help. Whereas others get shown concern without doing anything. I did think of asking my daughter if her mother in law was going to invite us all to her place this year, but I know she would think I was being I b**ch Edited by Admin , which would have been right. I didn't, of course, but what is the alternative for nextyear. If we live that long. We are both in ill health and DH is 81 and I am 77. Feel better for getting this off my chest. All will be right with the world again tomorrow and I will continue as usual. I will get everything back into perspective and realise there are lots of people worse off than me. What I really want to know is all this part of fibro or is it just an accumulation of tiredness and stress.Thanks for listening, yet again, and best wishes to all for 2020. xx

34 Replies
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I can relate to that, I think that it’s accumulated stress and thoughts that just get too much to bear and basically you just get overwhelmed with it. You’re definitely not alone with this and it definitely is good for you to get it off your chest, if we feel this way it’s deflating the whole situation.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Zoonie

Thanks for that Zoonie. x

Please don't ever say that you are feeling sorry for yourself this illness really tests us at times and we are entitled to have a weep or feel down. It's bad enough that other people judge us without us judging ourselves XX at least you have the support of your other half I had only expected. 4 for Christmas dinner then my husband decided to ask his son and girlfriend then left me to struggle in the kitchen and I ended up burning myself to which I was told I should have asked for help!!!!!!! It hurts when they run round after other people and treat you as a second thought I have it all the time but my new years resolution is that I will not be disrespected or treated like an after thought some people in my life will see major changes in me , I hope you are feeling more relaxed today and I wish you strength for 2020 XX

Good for you!! I think it might be an eye opener if some of these people saw what you have written on this forum.

I really do feel lucky with the level of support I have plus everyone on here. Pm me if you want to. Love and hugs Lynne xxxx

Why is it some people are totally selfish or thoughtless and others are givers, it defeats me? Hope your burn is feeling better, and that you did get the help afterwards. 'Support' from my OH is ambiguous as he is barely mobile and has dementia, but to be fair I did appreciate him helping with the washing up and moving furniture. Feeling much better today, thank you for your concern. Onwards and upwards, and best wishes to you for 2020. xx

Christmas has become an ordeal for many people (me included ) and not a holiday at all

You seem like a salt of the earth type of person that people should really appreciate more fool them for running round your daughters MIL who probably can't even cook

That's people for you - well some people not all

I think it is a feeling common to many not just those with fibromyalgia

I think your new years resolution should be to indulge yourself with treats whatever it is that you enjoy go for it

you deserve it x

I intend to do my best. Thanks for listening and best wishes to you for 2020. xx

I think it’s always the people who care And are always doing for others who get taken advantage of, like we say in Wales, “You can be too Soft”, I’ve learned that over the years, time for you to look after yourself and your OH now, it’s good to cry and let it all out, hope you feel better now.😃 best wishes for 2020.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Mydexter

Thank you Mydexter. Best wishes to you for 2020.xx

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to ShelWhitt

(Sorry missed some off my response) I do agree with all say, thanks for listening. I do feel better today, and think the tears reduced a lot of tension. thanks again.

I think it is an accumulation of everything and I think Xmas can magnify all the hurts. I used too Xmas dinner and tea for ten year after year and strangely one year I was too ill to do it but we didn't get invited to anyone elses house. I had the salient lesson that they only wanted me for what I could give them and weren't at all interested in me as a person. It was so easy the next year to have other plans. If I was you next year I would just spend the quality time with your dear husband as I can tell you enjoyed Xmas day with him.

You would have wept as you would have been shattered. This illness takes it out of you on just a normal day but to haven to cater for so many without help must have totally drained you. Take care of yourself and have a good rest you deserve it.x

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to rosewine

Thank you rosewine. You have empathised my feelings to a 'T'. I definitely think you did the right thing in your situation. I wish I was as strong. At the moment I am thinking things will be different next year - but I am such a soft touch, I can't guarantee it. Feeling much better today though. I do think a lot of it was exhaustion and stress. I have decided to take the stance of the moral high ground. Congratulating myself on doing a good job, without help, if no one else did, and having had the enjoyment of seeing my family ; which is ultimately what I wanted anyway. If only I was fit it wouldn't have been a problem, as I love doing things for my family when I can, although in this instance a bit of help would have gone down well! But. whatever, I did it anyway. At the end of the day, they only have one mum and dad and they have to live with how they treat us; in the same way as we have to live with how we treat them. My conscience is clear. If they want to take us for granted, that is their choice, and their problem. I might not like it, but I can't change it, only they can. Let's all hope for better times and better health next year. Best wishes for 2020. xx

What you have said is not part of fibro. It is part of living and most people have their moments where they think like this. To do what you have done requires being on automatic. One event follows another.

It is very difficult to have a conversation with some one when they are in automatic mode. People see you in this mode and assume wrongly that you are always like this. The preparation you have done is not appreciated. People like fully engaging with people.

You have the abilities of someone in their near 80s. You are slower than your daughter in thinking. It is time to show the age card. Less dinner prep and more conversation prep. Others prepare the meals next time.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to johnsmith

If only it was that black and white. You need to know the people involved to pass an opinion, and relationships can be fragile and can easily be broken. Some people find it easier to break relationships than others. I guess it depends how important a relationship is, and the circumstances of the people involved at the time. In my case, at the moment, I am thinking I care for my family more than they care for me, partly because I have had a particularly bad twelve months, with very little support and am very tired. Which is not good. But I am aware that my family have had their own problems in their own lives to deal with and that is also a contributing factor. It is probably a double edged sword. Hopefully things will resolve in the New Year.

johnsmith
johnsmith
in reply to ShelWhitt

Thanks for the reply. You say: "You need to know the people involved to pass an opinion". Actually You don`t. You need to know yourself and how you and others you know have responded to situations over the years. You ask oneself how did I respond or how did someone I know respond.

I know two ladies in their 80s. I have heard many a story from them about situations. As a member of Buddhist groups I have heard many stories of how the members behaved in certain situations.

You can only give an opinion looking at a particular viewpoint of events. If the viewpoint changes the opinion changes. One can only express an opinion to be looked at for consideration that a particular chain of events is happening or not. In human dynamics things are very variable because a human being responds to a whole host of things. An event occurring can change how following events can be viewed. The event which modified everything may never be reported. Different people apply different importance to minor events. What one person may consider minor another may consider having great importance. Often, we do not know what is of minor and what is of major importance.

We have trouble knowing how we think and why we act in certain situations. So it becomes impossible to know how other people think and act in certain situations. All we can do is see the result of events that we can only see a small part of.

Things can only resolve if you take steps to look after yourself. This is easy to say and difficult to do. "Age UK" in your local area will know useful contacts that could prove beneficial.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to johnsmith

You may well be right, but I am afraid I do not fully understand the philosophy and psychology of your advice, it is a bit too intense and complicated for me to take in. This may well be due to brain fog, or may be I am not on your intellectual level. Either way, you advice was well intentioned and I appreciate you taking the time. Thank you.

johnsmith
johnsmith
in reply to ShelWhitt

The difficulty of what you read is neither brain fog nor because it is too complicated. New ideas have no previous experience to latch onto. So on first reading it appears difficult. When read several times it will make hopefully more sense. Or it could be that I made errors in my presentation.

I used to tutor young people. I taught them to read difficult assignments three times. The first time fast. The second time a bit slower and the third time for comprehension of ideas.

Why we don't say things to our children or close family is because we have unconditional love for them. Unconditional love, hurts us sometimes I think that is true to say, that's how I feel about it. Also , sometimes people can be a bit selfish. Also we don't say thing because we don't want to, rock the boat. So feeling sorry for yourself, its ok. Some people don't know how to show tact or empathy when the need is required. I'm not sure if these feelings you have are because of Fibro, but they sure are because that's the way other people have made you feel. I'm sure like you say, you would have forgotten all about it soon enough. take care. xx

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to bobbybobb

Thank you bobbybobb. Everything you say makes total sense to me, and relates to exactly how I feel. Thank you for your response. I am much better today, and am glad I had the family to visit, in spite of everything. Tomorrow is another day, as they say. I do think fibro is a contributing factor, as things which seem to upset me easily these days, I am sure I would have taken in my stride a few years ago. I really appreciate your reply and understanding. Best wishes for 2020.xx

I know how you feel. We just get on with it. Although feeling exhausted, I loved having my family around me. My daughter spent christmas with her new partners family. She had a lovely time but said it wasnt like the ones we have, which made me think that over the years we have made family traditions without realising it. Which gives me a warm feeling that it is worth the effort. You never know next year our grown up children may take on the responsibility of continuing the traditions for their own children to enjoy.

We must all be too good at it and victims of our own success.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Manaus

I totally relate to everything you say. We have had lots of lovely Christmases over the years, and still follow the same traditions. Games, etc. I really think it was a case of total exhaustion after the dreadful year I have had, with my health and coping with OH. We did have a lovely day. I am feeling a lot better today and am glad I went ahead with it anyway. Here's hoping for a better year in 2020. Best wishes. xx

I don't think that you feeling taken for granted and totally disrespected is anything to do with your fibro - it's the family who are at fault! They need a good talking to, I feel so angry on your behalf, how can they treat you and the other mother so differently?! You must definitely try to change the situation for next Christmas, say next time you talk to them how much you are looking forward to your turn to be spoiled at Christmas! xx

Thank you for understanding. You are absolutely right, but I have decided taking the moral high ground will be best way to deal with it without any acrimony, after the event, this year and to make sure it doesn't happen again next year. Best wishes for 2020. xx

Definetly agree. Not doing it next year. The effort & consequences just aren't worth it. I have moved Xmas to the winter solstice & will be celebrating it instead of the feast of consumerism which xmas has become.

I watched my family wrap presents for others & didn't receive one myself. Why ? Because iam taken for granted and its the final straw.

Never again.

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Vivalaviv

Hi Vivalaviv. So sorry you have had such a disappointing experience this Xmas. I have certainly realised I am not alone with disappointment. You are absolutely right consumerism has taken over. It is too bad that you did not receive a Christmas gift. I think that is totally thoughtless, but thoughtlessness seems to be a trend. Personally, I won't let the family spend much on me for gifts, as to be honest, I am happy to get a nice card. I do love a nice card. Good luck in your plans for celebrating next year. All te bet for 2020. x

I always find it leaves me drained and somehow let down. I anticipate it then it is flat.

Always glad when its over, TBH, and New year too!

ShelWhitt
ShelWhitt
in reply to Midori

You're right I think we are all drained. Why do we do it? We all seem to get carried along with the hype. I know some families have a good time, and to be honest we, as a family, have had loads of happy christmases, and family get togethers in the past, but I know there are a lot who don't and there can be a lot of friction when families get together. It is also true that consumerism has taken ove, r and in in my humble opinion a lot of children get far too much, which is not always a good thing. But hey ho this is modern life and progress - I have to get used to it. Best wishes.

Hi ShelWhitt,

I am sorry you are (were) feeling so down and I can completely understand why. I don't think it's completely down to Fibro but I think it's a factor. Because it's an invisible disability people just don't realise how much effort it is to get anything done - and hosting Christmas would be effortful even for someone in good health!

It will have taken a lot out of you and must've felt so lonely having to work extra hard, managing the festive celebration alongside your condition, and not be appreciated. I hope you can find a way to rest and recover now. From scrolling down the thread I can see you seem a little better now.

Of course it's up to you, but I think you've done your bit and that it's worth drawing a line under this so it doesn't happen again. After all, next year will be a new decade so you could tell your family that next year you're doing it differently and taking time for yourself at Christmas. You could go to a pub/restaurant with your husband and/or possibly another close friend or relative for Christmas dinner and not invite anyone else. That way, if the rest of your family want a Christmas celebration of their own it'll be up to them to sort it - you won't be there for them to rely on.

Present wise, you could give to charity instead of your family and explain that in the spirit of Christmas, you want to "give to those less fortunate than us" to your children. It might make them stop and think. And we know that to those who are struggling it really WILL be appreciated. Or if you must get your family a present you could put a limit on how much you spend. Don't invest much if you're not getting enough back. We only have limited spoon supply so we must use it wisely. You still can do all this while treating your family with grace and love - you can find a way to love them without exhausting yourself and then use the rest of your energy to invest in You.

It's not unkind, it's just self preservation and managing your health. It could even be argued that donating to charity, and in doing so, gently reminding them that there are those who less are fortunate than them, is more loving thing to do for them than getting them a Christmas present(s) which may, again, be under appreciated.

You could also just explain to them that the age you are and with your Fibromyalgia that it's all too much, and you can't do it anymore. That way you're getting your point across without bringing them (feeling they weren't appreciating you) into it.

Anyway, you're not alone in finding Christmas a struggle this year.

Wishing you all the best for a new year and a new decade.

Xx

What a lovely well thought out and sensitive reply - Respect!!!

I totally agree with Zoonie. It is a lovely response, showing total understanding, which once again makes me appreciate what kind and caring friends there are on this site. I hope I can be of help/support in return if/when it is needed. Take care all and best wishes, once again. x

Thankyou Zoonie and ShelWhitt 😊 <3 xx

You’re welcome 🙏💖🙏💕

YASMINTINA
YASMINTINAFMA UK Volunteer

Morning , 1st of all well done you for pulling this off, catering for 9 people tidying the house etc will have taken its toll even without the fibro, yes dust yourself off and have a good moan ,it does feel much better after, people can be very single minded we try put ourselves out and push with this horrid condition your just wanting someone to give some love back or an invite , this does happen a lot I find , we are the givers and yes there is always the takers, you deserve a pat on the back but I do know where you are coming from, I seem to have kept going till Saturday and now gone down with a viral bug in bed that’s differently slowed me down, take care xxx

Hi Yasmintina. You're right. Eventually got over all the work and stress of the last week, with the help and encouragement of all my new friends on here, but now it is pay back time. The last three days I have spent resting most of the time with my hot water bottle. Think it's a major flare, but I will ride it out. I just keep telling myself - you did it! You got through it! For another year! Now, back to one day at a time for me . (Who am I kidding?) Feel sorry or you, getting a nasty viral bug, straight after the 'festivities' is not good, It never rains but it pours! (Apologies, I seem to be quoting cliches all the time on here). I think it is called the 'let down syndrome' , similar to some people who suffer with migraines in the same way. Anyway, sending you love and hugs, and hope you feel better soon, and that things improve for us all in the New Year. Let us know when you are back on your feet. It is nice to read a bit of good news sometimes! Best wishes. xx

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